Dysfynctional

[adagio]

Does anybody have any stories on how they detached from a person that was giving them problems? I'm ACOA and have explained to my husband several times how loud voices and anger affect us (just now getting rid of the knot in my stomach). He keeps either forgetting or doesn't think it's important enough. I have decided that I have to detach from his over-the-top anger in a big way. I haven't argued, just told him that I don't want to talk about it, but he persists, and I end up feeling like a basket case. Any words of wisdom would help. By the way, I bought a new book..."How Al-Anon Works" that is fabulous! It even has a section in there that fits my husband. It explains that he is an alcoholic without the alcohol, a dry drunk.
The way I'm feeling now, I could very much use my two sponsors...maybe more..

[lildee]

Hi adagio,

Well in early recovery the first thing I did was cry when I was under attack. I would leave the room and lock myself in the bathroom and let loose the rivers of tears. As I kept working MY recovery, I got stronger, more courageous, more daring. Soon I had enough guts to say "your words are hurting me" or "could you please lower your voice." In early recovery detachment was a difficult thing to do. Even though I understood the concept, detaching from the disease but not the person, I was still having a hard time putting it into action. I had gone to a meeting and we talked of detachment and someone there gave me a wonderful story that I would like to share with you. When the "A" goes off on one of his ranting an raving binges, or when there is some other behavior that is upsetting you. Picture him in your mind with a giant Band Aid across his forehead. It will remind you just how sick he is. And that you are dealing with an ill person. I have used this several times and it helps me to stay focused on MY recovery.

Coming from a dysfunctional home can be a nightmare. There is no rhyme or reason why the people in that environment act the way they do. And for the most part they don't even know why they act that way. Keep the focus always on you , and your recovery, and building yourself up. After a while you will learn to pick and choose your battles. One line that a friend of my always uses is "How important is this? Is it worth the fight?" We you stop and think for a few minutes some sanity returns and you can deal with the situation more effectively. Hope this helps some.

Good Luck and God Bless. Remember you are amongst friends here who will support you through the rough times.

Love
Arlene

[adagio]

((((((Arlene))))))))

Thanks. It really helps to have someone who really understands.....I have spent most of the afternoon hiding in another room on the verge of tears. For my own sanity, I will get the detachment learned and also my responses. I no longer yell back, but it seems. since I've talked myself blue in the face, I will say simply that I will be unavailable for talk until the emotions go away.
Thanks again.

[lildee]

Dear adagio

Be gentle with yourself. It takes time. Lord knows I didn't get this messed up over night !!!

Don't hide from talking come here and talk.

Love ya bunches
Arlene

[adagio]

This happens to be my favorite hiding places. ;D I don't want to do without people, just certain ones for a while.

[Lin]

I can totally relate. Both of my parents were alkies and they argued and yelled at each other and us kids all the time. Now angry voices make me very uncomfortable. Like arlene said, I use a visual image to detach. Insted of a band-aid i see a red A for alkie, or adddict and it reminds methat that person is sick and the voice they are using is their disease..not aomething on purpost to hurt me.

Another things i use i call the CHAIR. I imagine they have jsut called me a chair instead of the hurtful name i jsut got called. And since i know i am not a chair...i remind mysel fthat jsut because that person says it, does nto make it true. So i say to myself..i am nto a chair . That is kind of silly, but it works. I am able to9 not go hide out and cry when it happens today.

i ahve also learned to stand up for myself. in a polite and calm way i can say..I am uncomfortable with you yell like this. Or I woudl appreciate it if you used a different tone of voice to me. Learning to walk away from an argument..saying YOU MAY BE RIGHT..or LET ME THINK ABOUT THIS AND GET BACK TO YOU IN THE MORNING..or in a few hours. Those things stop that know from forming in my stomach.

Hope this helps. its jsut what helps me.

LIN

[adagio]

Thanks Lin. My husband must be getting very uncomfortable in his comfort zone! I was yelled at again this morning, because I questioned a long-distance call, just saying..."Who do we know in Fla.?" I will have to use just certain tactics, because he never even gives me a chance to talk! For the time being, I will just have to walk away, and picture that band-aid (he's not A, that I know of anyway...I spent a year denying that he was a dry drunk) or some other reminder on his forehead, read my books, talk to sponsor, come here, pray, say the serenity prayer, etc. And go to a meeting. Here or f2f.
Hopefully, it won't be as bad as last time. I have acid reflux, and get terrible pains and an acid feeling in my throat. That time, it lasted almost two weeks. This time, I seem to be handling it a little better...no pain as yet.

[Lin]

That sounds like a good plan. LOTS of tools in recovery. If one does nto help I always jsut try another!

GOOD LUCK!
LIN