discussion topic- ABUSE

[Lin]

This was the meeting topic for last night's meeting. I hope folks who can relate but were unable to attend would reply.

I seee abuse as having many kinds...verbal, emotional, mental, physical, and sexual. I never had sexual abuse directed toward me, but I sure did all of the others.

The one I felt most into my adulthood was the mental abuse. My mom and dad were both active alkies. I can remembre so many times...my mom woudl be drunk. She'd wake up my6 little sister and i and tell us she was leaving in the morning and going back to Oklahoma. She said by morning we had to decide if we wanted to stay with our dad in our home or pack up and move with her. My sister and I woudl stay awake the rest of the night. We'd cry and whisper. We were scared she'd get in the car and leave us. We were scared we'd never see one of our parents again. We'd not go back to sleep all night and often had to go to school that next day. By morning she had forgotten all abou it and everythig was fine. this happened repeatedly. My sis and I still talk about how that made us feel. it was like fear of abandonment.

This feeling carried over into my life and made me have a difficult time with relationship. As soon as I had a giid friend or boyfriend, I'd back off and sabatoge the relationship for fear they woudl leave me.

Abuse had other effects on me too. I felt guilty. I took the blame. "If you hadn't done so and so, I would not have to beat you with this razor strap"...if you had done so and so differently i woudl not have to scream at y9ou and smack you around>" I heard it so often I believed it. I felt i deserved every abuse that was directed toward me.

How have I moved past these feelings?

By the time i found recovery, both parents were dead. I wrote them a long letter. I went to the cemetery and read it to them and cried. I burned it and left the ashes there. I told them I know now why they acted as they did..they ahd a disease. it was not somethign i did or even deserved at all. it was not about me or them, but theri illness. And i forgave them. That helped so much! I also got closer to my HP again. And faith in HIM helped me get thru each day. being active in my recovery, working with myy sponsor...working the steps...helped me see i had many good qualities to build on. I also developed a talent and found ways to be proud of my own accomplishments.

When I got old enough I escaped the abuse by marrying my very own alcoholic! I did not realize I was hopping from the frying pan into thte fire. I had abuse all over again. Again my self esteem was in the pits.

I turned to emotional eating and gained weight. A little over 2 years ago a 'friend" called me his "little fat school teacher freind". that did it. I expected such names from the alkies in my life, but not from a stranger. So i took it upon myself to do soemething about the weight. I joined a gym. i joined weight watchers. I stubbornly worked my weight loss program to the best of my ability. It worrked. I lost 65 pounds and have kept it of for over a eyar. That helped my self esteem more than you can imagine. it also helped many health issues for me

I have learned to be assertive. (learned it in recovery groups as well as in Weight watchers) today i stand up for myself. If a person calls me a name, I have tools to detach from the words and ways to politely stand up for my rights. Taht feels as good as losing the weight!

Abuse is serious. it's harmful on so many levels. One positive thing about recovery is hearing that others ahve been right where i was. They ahve the same fears and feelings and frustrations. And they have gotten better. They have moved past it. And I can too. I never have to face thsoe feelings alone again.

I'd love to hear your ideas on ABUSE...and how you may have gained strength to get past it.

LIN

[mrsspanish]

lin,
this might be alittle late in responding... i am glad you are getting past it... i am having trouble.... not only from my husband who is out of the house but i now realize that my father was and still is ( more so than ever) emotionally abusive and he is not an alki or addicted to drugs. he is a holocaust survivor.... i wonder if there is anyone out there with a similar experience..
besides, i cant seem to get past it and any man i come into contact right now is also emotionally abusive ... how do i get past it?

[caressa222]

Many types of abuse, mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. Thanks for sharing ladies.

Have experience d it all. As I have shared, I went for sexual assaults counselling at 15 years clean and sober

The biggest thing was learning what abuse was. A lot was old tapes that I continued to play in my head. This is what a good wife, daughter, mother, friend, etc. should do. We can hopefully forgive the person, but sometimes the acts are hard to forgive or are unforgivable.

I need to let go and forgive myself and then I am better able to forgive others.

[majestyjo]

This posted elsewhere on the site. Thought I would put the two together.

Signs of Abuse
I saw this today in Dear Abby. This is something I wish I had seen years ago...it would have saved me a LOT of grief if I had known about these 'red flags'. Also, these warning signs can be for both genders...women aren't the only ones that find themselves in abusive relationships.

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody