Saturday July 30th, 2016 Chip Loyal/Disloyal

[bunnypie]

I have been extremely upset and discouraged with a former friend of mine. He promised to hold my hand and be there for me thru this cancer nightmare. He is a 10 year cancer survivor and was going to comfort and explain every aspect of cancer treatment for me. I have NOT been able to contact him by phone or email for over a month. His loyalty really sucks!
I was loyal to him and helped him thru some bad financial and physical sickness. I expected his loyalty in return and I got sh*t!!!! I have not even got an explanation of why he just cut me cold and would not answer the phone or emails. It has been over a month now and I just am sick to my stomach that he could be so disloyal. If he is alive I would like to kill him and if he is dead I would like to stomp on his grave. The broken promises and disloyalty really make me disgusted. I have to turn it over to God and Let Go or Be Dragged!!!! I can't afford to be dragged thru emotional turmoil. I am too sick & weak myself to waste my energy on that. I have to be loyal to myself. To Thy Own Self Be True!!!----Bunnypie

[majestyjo]

Remember that in the Big Book says to lower our expectations, especially of others who can't meet our expectations of them. Saying and doing are not always the same thing and hopefully the man is not suffering more cancer himself.

Some people are just not capable of meeting our expectations. Loyalty is something that I found people are very short on and is often short lived and easily forgotten. Look how many people use to come to this site and share and no longer come here. I hope it isn't about me, if it is, then it is there problem. I have as much right to be here as anyone else. I work my program and hopefully they are still working theirs. EoR has been my port in the storm for many years, even though I was kicked off the site for posting too much. It was not an ego thing as was implied, it was me working my program, sharing and caring about others. If you don't give it away, the Big Book says I will lose it. When you can't get out to meetings, you look for spiritual help in other directions. For me, EoR was it. If people aren't willing to share that is their issues, if they don't like what I share, that is their problem. If they can't keep an open mind, then they are jeopradizing their sobriety. The program is one of suggestion, and we find what works for us. I think people forget that I qualify for both sides of the street and have gone to AA, NA, CA, Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, CoDA, and ACoA, plus 6 years of counseling to find my recovery. I meditate with my angel, animal, nature, and Native American cards. For me to use is to die. That isn't an option for me in today.

[bunnypie]

YES! I did expect him to be a man of his word. I am deeply disappointed and it is my job to "get over it" Expectations are something I struggle with. I had an old timer back in the day tell me a formula to deal with this but I have never been able to get it right! The formula = I/E=S that translates out to Intelligence over Emotions equal Serenity. My emotions over ride my intelligence and get me discouraged, disappointed, and despondent. You are correct. He may of had a relapse on his cancer. He was only in remission. He had lots of problems medically. When I am sick I want everyone to know about it. When he was sick he just wanted to isolate and not let anyone know. He hated to have any kind of pity. I am thinking he would rather have me angry at him then to pity him. I still doesn't excuse him cutting me off cold and not answering emails & phone calls. He did promise to be there for me and the very freaking least he could do is say "I can't do it. I'm sorry" The lack of manners and loyalty just infuriate me and yes if nothing else at least give me an explanation!!!! My sponsor has told me that if you don't expect anything you will never get disappointed. I understand that but just can't seem to accept it. I expect to get treated with dignity and respect if I have been a good friend and bent myself into a pretzel to help you. I just can't seem to get past that concept.......Baffled Bunnypie

[majestyjo]

Yet the principle of the program is to give and not expect anything back as a result. Some people are not capable of giving, let alone give back. Our giving, like our love is suppose to be unconditional. It is sad that he can't keep his promise, but I know what that is like. My mind and body aren't always able to do. I always say God Willing. Even though I say I will be there, I now try to say, "I will try to be there." A young man said he was celebrating 5 years a few weeks ago. I said, "I don't think I can be there, but I will try." There was no way I could go, it was night time and I would have had to walk 5 blocks with my walker, and that makes me feel vulnerable and I not only feel at risk to get to the meeting, but to get myself home. I live right on the outside of the 'in' place for the swingers in the city. I can hear them from my apartment, I don't feel safe walking by them with my walker. I don't have a lot of possessions, but they don't know that. It was a Sunday, so more vulnerable because most of their money was spent Friday and Saturday night.

If you are looking to get paid back, I am afraid you are in for disappointment and set yourself up for hurt. Human nature doesn't act that way. They say we have to give in order to not lose our sobriety. It doesn't say we will always get back, certainly not to the people we give to, but the Lord will bless us and we will be given back ten fold.

[bunnypie]

I do understand the concept of giving away without ever wanting anything back. Over the past 32 years I have given away God Cans, marbles, cds, Grapevine magazines, bought coffee, given rides, and spent endless hours talking and giving advice and listening to problems. I don't ever expect to get any of that back. It gives me pleasure to unconditional sharing like that. I have shared the "Chipping Away column and not had much back from anyone. I do it for me but it would be nice to get participation. I do thank you again & again for your replies because it keeps me going and not feeling like I am talking to myself. I know we have readers who are not posting and that gives me encouragement to keep going. What really is different(for me) is when someone swears up and down that they promise to be there and don't even have the courtesy to say "I'm sorry I just couldn't do it" They just cut you cold and refuse to give an explanation or answer the phone or reply to emails. I think that is just so d**n rude and ignorant. I don't know if they are dead or alive. I don't know if they are being rude & ignorant & isolating or if something really did happen to them. There is no closure or explanation!!! I hate to be left wondering WTF happened??? I don't like mystery! It is too aggravating to me and "vexates my spirit" I like to know where I stand with people. I have been shunned and ignored by several people because I have cancer. I am bald and sickly looking and many have ran the other way when they see me. It hurts like hell but at least I know where I stand with them.........Bunnypie

[majestyjo]

I can understand what you are saying, but it not yours to take on and you need to let go. As the Big Book says, "Start praying for him." You have a major resentment and you are hurting you, and you don't need his stuff and you need to take care of you. If he can do what you want him to do, there may be a good reason or not, but you can't continue to resent him. I don't like people not keeping their promises, but many times because of my illness, I can't do what I said I would do. I start things and can't finish them, which is a sign of an adult child of an alcoholic. I do try to call though. I will also book an appointment, only to cancel again. Life is! It isn't that I don't want to do, I am just not capable, and sometimes that includes picking up the phone. It is part of fibromyalgia.

[bunnypie]

I commend and applaud you for at least cancelling an appt. or saying I might not be able to make it. The Golden Rule of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is called golden for a reason. Brutal, thoughtless, cruel treatment is something I can handle very well. He once told me that he didn't deserve a friend like me cause I was so generous and thoughtful to him. It is my fault for not taking that as a warning. I don't deserve to be treated this way and I have to Let Go or be dragged thru more emotional turmoil and resentment. I am really trying hard to get rid of it. Resentments are a long hard process to let go of for me!!! Off Topic:I just had a warning on this site of a Malicious Trojan Virus. I did an advanced disinfection and a full scan. I hope my computer is okay now but if I don't make it back I want you to know why. I can't risk my computer crashing right now!!! Just so you know and are not left wondering.......Baffled & Nervous Bunnypie