Making progress?

[tankgirl]

Hi there.... I dont know if I should feel good or not. I recently had a little 'showdown' with someone I relate to in not-too-positive- a way. She kind of put me down in a parental kind of way when I was with a group of friends, plus she was impressing a man she is newly in love with. I found my blood boiling at her put down, and then wondered if i had seen something that was 'not there'. After a lot of constructive thought, I have come to the conclusion that she could have rephrased herself so as not to appear so blunt. I have (next time I see her) decided to just say: I know you are very much in love with this man, and you need to focus your energies on that relationship. Please remember that I have been a friend for 9 years and have tried to be a good friend at that. So please do not put me down in front of people we know, or I am trying to get to know.'

Does what I intend to say sound sensible? Or not? (At first I wanted to rip her head off at the restaurant - but I refrained, just saying in my defence 'My comment was intended to be neutral').

I feel I have tried to please her in the past, and my 'verbal comebacks' are a bit new to her. May I also admit that our relationship has been intense, and I have been over-sensitive to her reactions, which I think have stemmed from my abandonment fears of the past.

I feel like I am at the beginning of what is going to be a long, long road to recovery.

Love Tank

PS will try to make a Chat soon, but my timings are UK, and in the early hours here.

[lildee]

Dearest tankgirl,

For me when there is confrontation there are always options as how to act and not react. The first thing I do is check my own motives. Why am I feeling the way I am? Am I jealous? Am I hurt? Is this person infringing on my boundaries? and so on. Once I have determined the reasons why I feel the way I do then I can take some reasonable action. Different motives call for different actions. If it is one of my character defects raising it ugly head, I will back off let it go and try to work on that defect. If it is because someone is crossing one of my boundaries I will take them aside and explain it to them in a private non threatening way. If I have been hurt I will say it to them, "You have hurt my feelings when you did such and such." So basically you must look inside yourself and find the reason for your anger. Feel the anger, deal with it in an appropriate way, and then heal it. Hope this helps.

God Bless
lildee

[Lin]

Lildee had a good point. Checking our motives is a great way to see why we are behaving like we are. I call it trace it, face it and erase it.

I know for myself, when i am angry, even mother theresa could tick me off. If I am angry at my spouse for something, then a clerk does nto get something right, I want to lash out and climb down their throats.

yesterday I was in a good mood. The lady at the bank kept asking me if i wante d to cash the two smaller checks in my deposit envelope. I told her no. She asked about the 4th time and i said..they are written on the back of the slip and included in the deposit. She said OH, ok. If i had been angry, my manner of reply to her woudl have been one of rudeness. Instead I let it go. I thoguth to myself..she must be new here. And I waited for her to finish my transaction and thanked her. If I'd had a bad day and had been angry, I would have wanted to point out to her that deposit slips have two sides and she needs to check the back before asking such a question.

So ask yourself if your good friend actually meant to hurt your feelings. standing up for ourselves is important if she did it to purposely hurt you. Confronting jsut to have the last word is something i have learned to let go.

(one way I have lerned to let it go is to write the person a letter. I get out jsut how i feel about their actions. I cry, cuss, what ever i need. and then i DELETE it. )

The progress I can see in you FROM HERE IS...you waited. You did not lash out and start something on the scene. You did not try to embarrass her or make her feel badly jsut because you were hurt. its l;iek the old saying to count to ten when you are angry before you reply. You did that nicely.

Think about it. Pray about it. If you need to tell her your feelings were hurt, then do. I find that communicating works better when i use "I" statements. I WAS HURT. I FELT EMBARRASSED. Instead of YOU MADE ME FEEL EMBARRASSED. She'll be on the defensive if you start with YOU . A long freindship is at stake.

I wish you the best, tankgirl. I do wish you could get to some of our meetings here. we ahve 2 ACOA meetings. They are botha t 8 eastern, 7 central and 5 pacific on Wed and Sun,.

Best of luck!

LIN

[tankgirl]

Hello there Lildee and Lin,

I've really read your posts with a lot of interest - I've never properly concentrated on what my motives have been before, wow. I can see how much use that would be to me right now. (I really hope my friend can question her own motives before she says hurtful things!) But I was thinking a lot last night about the whole relationship, and I feel I need to rise above a lot of the details in order to be peaceful about someone who I think is not going to change in a hurry toward me.

So I've been making a choice - to leave the friendship or to re-define my whole feelings toward it.

Basically, we are both wounded children. One of us at least needs to grow, and it may as well be me. I am philosophical at the moment, and I made a little affirmation which I want to share with you. I think it will help me when I feel I might want to bite:

I look on you as though a child
I see that child in your eyes
To see the child is to know the child
And my understanding will rise and rise.

I think this kind of philospohy may help when I am dealing with somebody else's stuff directed at me, and plus questioning my own motives at the same time. Since I did this, the show-down did not seem to matter as much. I was just thinking, if my inner child needs a lot of love, and I am acknowledging my inner child, I can have some patience for someone else's wounded child. I know she is ultimately responsible for herself and her own stuff, but I could understand more.

Thank you for sharing with me

Tankgirl

[Lin]

What an awesome share. THANKS!

When i first came into ACOA i had so many problems with self esteem and with how I felt about myself. I felt i deserved all the crappy things folks directed toward me.

One thing that helped me was a book. It's called daily Affirmations for Adult children of Alcoholics. I loaned mine out and about 6 years ago ordered another from Books a million. It has a copyrigth of 1985 and is published by Health Communications, INC. The readings are very thought provoking and comforting. They are uplisfting and so help ful to me. I was able to rise above some of the negative ways i was feeling about myself.

You are right. If one of you is to GROW from all of this, it may as well by YOU.

Keep coming back!

LIN

[caressa222]

Not speaking out at the time is bonus. If you feel like a confrontation is necessary, later in private is good.

I like what Lin said:

Trace it, face it and erase it.

Look at our part. Recovery isn't about the other person, it is about me and my attitude.

As ACOA we tend to discount things as well as ourselves.,

Have a Happy October. 🎃