new here, need support

[lynd]

Hello all. I am new here. I need some support. Recently my bro and I decided to put my mom in hospice care. She is in end stage liver failure due to alcoholism. She has been in a nursing home for two years, and lately even with the med increases, nothing is working to help her. My mom has had many illnesses and mental problems due to her alcoholism, and I have many characteristics of an acoa. I am also a christian. I thought that I had forgiven her a long time ago. But now that she is going to die very soon, many of the feelings I thought I had gotten over are coming back up. Maybe they are just deeper manifestations of these feelings, I don't know.
My mom's hospice nurse suggested I get into couseling because some of the things we talked about had her concerned for me. So I did that and have an apt on Sat. But for now I just need someone else who can tell me if this is a normal part of an acoa parent dying.
I feel so many things now. I am angry at her for not making a coice to try to help herself. I am sad because of the life she led, and the life I led because of her drinking. I am relieved this will be over soon, but do not want her to die. I feel guilty because I sometimes think I want her to die for my own relief and not just hers. ( I know she wouldn't want to live like this). And I feel guilty because i am a christian and maybe I am wrong to feel this way. If anyone has been in this position, I would like some support and advice. LynD

[Lin]

welcome Lyn!

I can relate to your post. Both of my parents were alcoholics and my dad died at the age of 56 because of liver failure (schlerosis ) I was very angry at him for not stopping the drinking when the doctors told him thats ALL he had to do. At the time I had no idea how very powerful the addiction is on the person. I honestly thought he could stop just by wanting to stop...no big deal. I was very wrong. And i was so angry at him for dying so young an d leaving us.

Forgiveness comes from finding compassion for htem. It comes by finding how much they are suffereing. For me it was also when i realized they jsut did not have what it took to be good parents and they actually did the best they could at the time. i wanted things from my parents that they just were not capable of giving...such as support and praise. I wanted them to love me unconditionally and they could not. depending on certain things from an active alcoholic is like shopping for bread in a hardware store...jsut not possible.

I do hope you can find some ACOA meetings to attend and supplement your counseling with them. I chair sunday night ACOA here at Eor. it's at 8 eastern, 7 central or 5 pacific. I also do the friday night alanon at the same times. I hope you will drop in and join us!

I'm glad you spell your name differently...otherwise we might get mixed up. LOL

LIN

[caressa]

Sorry for being so late to answer Lyn, I saw your post earlier but my son showed up for a visit. Today has been an emotional day. My next door neighbor passed away and apparently it happened several days ago and they just found her today.

She was a very lonely and bitter woman, she had been married to an alocholic and had raised four girls on her own. She occasionally would knock on my door to speak with me and I felt bad because she smoked and I couldn't visit her in her apartment.

I think she ended up with a dirnking problem herself and that would only add to her anger. She had been a member of Al-Anon for years but due to health and old age had stopped going to meetings.

My own father died at the age of 66 and my mother died at the age of 40 because she used food to deal with my father's drinking and carousing.

You are not alone in your powerlessness. For many years I lived in fear and anger when I lived with my dad. I became his drinking buddy at the age of 26 but when I look back on it, I had the feelings long before that and I didn't come into recovery until I was 49. My son is in active addition and I can go on that big guilt trip when I see him. He reflects my old behavior when I was using and it isn't easy to watch but I am grateful that I have an understanding of the disease. I have not used for 13 years but he still has a lot of anger from his childhood that he refuses to deal with. I commend you for sharing.

My son got a scare today, when he came by the police were talking to someone outside of my door and he thought something had happened to me.

[lildee]

Dearest Lyn,

Let me take this opportunity to welcome you to EOR.

The death and dying of a parent or close relative or friend will stir all sorts of emotions within us. For me I was able to deal with the death of my parents in a reasonably sane way. But for my hubby he couldn't. The death of his dad, mom, and aunt all within a short period (3years) pretty much wiping out his family led to his addictions. He couldn't cope with the reality of it all.

Counseling for you during this period is an excellent idea. It will help you work through the grieving process and all of your mixed emotions.

In both ACOA and in Al-Anon we work through all of the anger , resentments, fears and guilt associated with living (and/or dying) of an alcoholic. We unload our baggage, start with a clean slate, and learn how to live in this one day, with a Higher Power guiding us. None of the 12 Step programs is religious in nature. They are all spiritual in the fact that we believe there is some force with greater power than we have. As you will learn just as I did there is a great difference between religion and spirituality.

Loosing a loved one is not pleasant no matter what the circumstances are. My heart and prayers go out to you and yours.

Currently we do have ACOA and AL-Anon meetings here at EOR on Fridays and Sundays.

I am providing the link for you to try face to face meetings in your area for both ACOA and Al-Anon.

www.adultchildren.org/

www.al-anon-alateen.org/

Both sites have local meetings listed.

I wish you the best and hope to see you in one of our meetings. This program works, if you are willing to do the work.


Love and God Bless,
Arlene