Post by bagger015 on Mar 13, 2007 18:56:03 GMT -5
Holding On To Resentment
By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.
A young woman, recently separated from her jealous and possessive
marriage partner, closes her eyes and experiments with images of
forgiveness. She tries to let her partner back into her heart, which
is closed to him by a wall of resentment, built and strengthened by
years of emotional pain and frustration. She can't do it. "The
resentment is too big," she says.
Despite the understanding that letting go of resentment is in our
own emotional best interests, we often keep our hurt and anger inside,
where it generates tension, stress and emotional havoc within.
In a close relationship, anger and resentment may center on an
isolated incident. Your partner embarrassed you in front of friends
or was sexually unfaithful. More often resentment is collected in
response to daily behaviors and attitudes that you feel aren't
important enough to confront, but you still hurt. Your partner often
"puts you down" in front of the children, is sarcastic or hostile in
"little ways" or humiliates you with "funny stories" in social
settings. You may disagree about money, child-rearing practices, or
your partner may be addicted to alcohol, drugs, work or sex. Yet
there is a psychological bond between the two of you. One that keeps
your relationship together despite the pain and resentment.
Someone once said, "If you want to walk the path of fire, get into a
relationship." Resentment, kept inside, generates heat. And heat can
be the catalyst to dissolution of the relationship, or to your healing
through self-discovery and fulfillment. In part it depends on what
you do with that energy.
In order to heal, when filled with resentment, you have to have the
willingness to forgive. Not that you forgive for the sake of the
other. Not that you condone your partner's behavior. Rather, you
need to heal yourself from within. And forgiveness is the route
leading to your own emotional healing.
After her visualization, the woman described above, cried out, "I'm
afraid if I let go of my resentment, I will have to go back to my
husband and I really don't want to do that." We hold on to our
resentments for a variety of reasons. Here are but a few.
We keep our resentments inside as a method of:
~ proving to ourselves that we are "right" and the other is
clearly I/wrong;
~ reinforcing a belief that the other really isn't worth
loving (he or she doesn't deserve it");
~ maintaining control (or illusion of control) of the
relationship or the situation;
~ being angry to avoid intimacy, or other deeper feelings of
hurt, sadness, despair, sex or fear;
~ being heard or listened to;
~ taking revenge or punishing ("getting back at" a partner);
~ keeping the position that the problem is all the others fault;
~ maintaining the "status quo" out of fear that change would be
destructive.
Basically, we learn to hold on to our resentments as a way of
protecting our own ego. The personal emotional price of such
protection is high. Nobel Prize laureate, Hans Selye, described the
most stressful emotion as "the desire for vengeance."
You have at least four choices if you are keeping in anger or
resentment: 1) Hold on to it indefinitely and be pretty miserable; 2)
Forgive and become more free, peaceful and clearer; 3) Let go of your
own fear and create the opportunity for you and your partner to
develop a new level of respect, understanding, and intimacy; or 4)
Decide to forgive and choose to keep as a top priority, the
maintenance of the partnership.
If you decide to forgive, remember to acknowledge all of your
feelings toward your partner...not just the hurt or resentment. Take
responsibility for sharing what you want, what you fear, what you
need, what you would like it to be between the two of you. Keeping
the lines of communication open is one of two critical factors in
becoming forgiving.
Keeping your heart open is the other. Resentment collecting closes
off some part of you and keeps it hidden from yourself or others.
Forgiveness allows you to become fully open to the possibility of
love, enjoyment, fulfillment and connection with others. An open
heart keeps you alive.
Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist. He is available for coaching in any area
presented in "Practical Psychology." As your Coach, his only agenda
is to assist you in creating the lifestyle you genuinely desire. The
initial coaching session is free. Contact him: (970) 568-0173 or
E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.
By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.
A young woman, recently separated from her jealous and possessive
marriage partner, closes her eyes and experiments with images of
forgiveness. She tries to let her partner back into her heart, which
is closed to him by a wall of resentment, built and strengthened by
years of emotional pain and frustration. She can't do it. "The
resentment is too big," she says.
Despite the understanding that letting go of resentment is in our
own emotional best interests, we often keep our hurt and anger inside,
where it generates tension, stress and emotional havoc within.
In a close relationship, anger and resentment may center on an
isolated incident. Your partner embarrassed you in front of friends
or was sexually unfaithful. More often resentment is collected in
response to daily behaviors and attitudes that you feel aren't
important enough to confront, but you still hurt. Your partner often
"puts you down" in front of the children, is sarcastic or hostile in
"little ways" or humiliates you with "funny stories" in social
settings. You may disagree about money, child-rearing practices, or
your partner may be addicted to alcohol, drugs, work or sex. Yet
there is a psychological bond between the two of you. One that keeps
your relationship together despite the pain and resentment.
Someone once said, "If you want to walk the path of fire, get into a
relationship." Resentment, kept inside, generates heat. And heat can
be the catalyst to dissolution of the relationship, or to your healing
through self-discovery and fulfillment. In part it depends on what
you do with that energy.
In order to heal, when filled with resentment, you have to have the
willingness to forgive. Not that you forgive for the sake of the
other. Not that you condone your partner's behavior. Rather, you
need to heal yourself from within. And forgiveness is the route
leading to your own emotional healing.
After her visualization, the woman described above, cried out, "I'm
afraid if I let go of my resentment, I will have to go back to my
husband and I really don't want to do that." We hold on to our
resentments for a variety of reasons. Here are but a few.
We keep our resentments inside as a method of:
~ proving to ourselves that we are "right" and the other is
clearly I/wrong;
~ reinforcing a belief that the other really isn't worth
loving (he or she doesn't deserve it");
~ maintaining control (or illusion of control) of the
relationship or the situation;
~ being angry to avoid intimacy, or other deeper feelings of
hurt, sadness, despair, sex or fear;
~ being heard or listened to;
~ taking revenge or punishing ("getting back at" a partner);
~ keeping the position that the problem is all the others fault;
~ maintaining the "status quo" out of fear that change would be
destructive.
Basically, we learn to hold on to our resentments as a way of
protecting our own ego. The personal emotional price of such
protection is high. Nobel Prize laureate, Hans Selye, described the
most stressful emotion as "the desire for vengeance."
You have at least four choices if you are keeping in anger or
resentment: 1) Hold on to it indefinitely and be pretty miserable; 2)
Forgive and become more free, peaceful and clearer; 3) Let go of your
own fear and create the opportunity for you and your partner to
develop a new level of respect, understanding, and intimacy; or 4)
Decide to forgive and choose to keep as a top priority, the
maintenance of the partnership.
If you decide to forgive, remember to acknowledge all of your
feelings toward your partner...not just the hurt or resentment. Take
responsibility for sharing what you want, what you fear, what you
need, what you would like it to be between the two of you. Keeping
the lines of communication open is one of two critical factors in
becoming forgiving.
Keeping your heart open is the other. Resentment collecting closes
off some part of you and keeps it hidden from yourself or others.
Forgiveness allows you to become fully open to the possibility of
love, enjoyment, fulfillment and connection with others. An open
heart keeps you alive.
Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist. He is available for coaching in any area
presented in "Practical Psychology." As your Coach, his only agenda
is to assist you in creating the lifestyle you genuinely desire. The
initial coaching session is free. Contact him: (970) 568-0173 or
E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.
. I will be back looking for Lin and others.