ANGER

[Caressa2]

BLOCKS TO ANGER


1) The Mr. Nice Guy or Don't Make Waves Syndrome in which to be angry is to risk rejection.

2) Emotional isolationism which is founded on the belief that if one doesn't get involved with other people, one won't get hurt. Anger is seen as a treat to a person's non-involved status - it shows he/she "cares". He would rather cool it and remain safe.

3) The need for control r master. Anger is seen as a loss of control, and loss of control is threatening.

To be continued...

- Types of Anger
- What to Do with Anger
- Examples of self-statements for dealing with anger

Preparing for Cofrontation
Reacting During the Confrontation
Coping with Reacting
Reflecting on the Experience
The consequences of Bottling up Rage

This material was received by me when I volunteered at Women's Detox and received from a treatment center called Aurora House.

I do not have a scanner, so please be patient and I will post what I can as I believe it is very important information to share. Anger has been a big issue for me, so I am also hoping to get some help and information from this as I type it.

[Caressa2]

TYPES OF ANGER

1) Anger as a part of the grieving process. (Grief - shock, emotional release, depression and loneliness, physical symptoms of distress, possible panic, a feeling of guilt about the loss, anger and resentment, resistance to returning to reality, hope, the affirmation of reality.) Grief can follow the loss of an imprtant person in one's life, the termination of a relationship, or a stage in life, or the loss of a 'thing' that is importnat to one.

2) Projecting guilt outward in the form of 'blame'. i.e. People who feel short changed by life and blame others for their problems. These people won't admit that people don't get anything out of life without working for it - to admit this is to admit personal failure and to accept some of the blame for one's own failure. It is more comfortable to guard against self-blame (and guilt) by directing anger outward. That anger then becomes a defense and a way of life. To counter-act this habit adopt the philosophy, "if there is trouble, I allowed it to happen." Accept it, then do something about it.

3) Non-reactive people. The shrug 'so what' reaction by which the anger is repressed. To counter-act - own your anger.

4) Over reactive people who act out in fantasies of revenge and are afraid to let loose because their fantisies are so violent. Fantasies come as a result of holding anger back. If anger is elt out in an acceptable way, there is no need to fantasize.

5) Swallowed anger. These people are unwiling to risk rejection. If they swallow their anger they tend to feel trapped, helpless and empty. When they do get angry, they often choose inappropriate targets and get out of control. ie.e. The childbeaters. These people need to learn how to expres their anger in an acceptable way.

6) Controlled anger. The controller looks for excuses for his/her feelings = he/she intellectualizes, rationalizes, projects, isolates. i. e. confuses real issues. He cannot say, "You hurt me and I am angry with you', for to be vulnerable is to be out of control. When a controller does get angry, he gets very angry. Controllers must elarn, slowly, to express their feelings.

7) The user of physical symptoms. i.e. headache, backache, etc. to mask real feelings. Physical sysmptoms spare the person from being judged and rejected for being angry.

[lildee]

This is good stuff. Keep it going Caressa. Thanks
Arlene

[dg]

Hi Caressa,
Thanks for taking the time to post this. I really find it very useful.

[Caressa2]

What To Do About Anger

1. Recognize the blocks to anger use and try and stop using them.

2. risk being judged own your feelings.

3. If your anger is about something that happened in the past, change your attitude to the past. The best way to do this is to be compeltely honest with yourself (look at your own part in it and/or put yourself in the other person's shoes) and express your feelings openly.

4. Don't let yourself react to the anger and emotions of others - don't take their problems on yourself and allow them to get you angry.

5. Humour can help dissipate anger - it helps put things in perspective.

6. Write an angry letter but don't mail it.

7. Made a telephone call but keep your finger on the button.

8. Pound a pillow. Scream, etc.

9. Learn to recognize the physical ways you feel angry and use them as warning signs that you need to communicate your feelings better.

10. Talk to the person you are angry at. Don't look for sympathy elsewher e- this merely fans the flames of the anger.

11. Lessen anger through exercise.

12. Keep a journal o r do something creative.

13. Use assertive rather than aggressive behavior.

14. Forgiveness cleans the slate.

15. If the anger is a reaction to guilt then the guilt has to be dealt with.

16. Use the anger as a motivator to do something positive.

[Caressa2]

Examples of Self-Statements for Dealing with Anger

Preparing for Confrontation

What is it that I have to do?
I can manage the situation; I know how to regulate my anger.
If I find myself getting upset, I'll know what to do.
I'll try not to take this too seriously.
This could be a testy situation, but I believe in myself.

Reacting During the Confrontation

As long as I keep my cool, I'm in control.
think of what I want to get out of this.
I won't make more out of this than I have to.
I'm not going to let the person get to me.
There is no need to doubt myself

Coping with Racting

Treat the person with respect. Try to reason it out.

Let's try a cooperative approach. Maybe we are both right.
My muscles are starting to feel tight. Time to take a deep breath.
I have a right to be annoyed, but let's not lose control.
My anger is a signal of what I need to do. Time to instruct myself.
Let's take the issue point by point.
I can't expect people to act the way I want them to.
Take it easy.

[Caressa2]

Reflecting on the Experience

When conflict is unresolved:

- These are difficult situations, and they take time to straighten out.

- Try to shake it off. Dont' take it personally.

- I'll get better at this as I get more practice.

- Can I laugh about it?

- Take a deep breath and think positive thoughts.

When conflict is resolved or coping is succesful:

- I handled that one pretty well. It worked!

- It could have been a lot worse.

- My pride can sure get me into trouble, but when I don't take things too seriously, I'm better off.

- I guess I've been getting upset for too long when it wasn't even necessary.

[Caressa2]

The Consequence of Bottling up Rage

It is important to identify your anger and allow yourself to experience it, because those who bottle up their rage often develop physical and emotional symptoms.

Physical symptoms can include:

headaches, earaches, eyeaches, sinus trouble, acne, arthritic aches, backaches, ulcers, colitis, constipation and high blood pressures.

Emotional consequences:

anger that has not been dealt with typically turns inward and can cause depression.

* It is importnant not only to acknowledge your anger, but to put is where it belongs. You can tell people you are angry with them and why without blowing up. YOu can learn to say no when needed, instead of being a doormat.

When you know you are feeling angry, try to find a way to put that assertive energy where it belongs. If expressing your anger would be self-defeating, look for another outlet.

Do not try to rein in the energy, let it flow; you will feel better - and more energetic - for it.

NOTE:

A friend advised me to do a meditation and quiet and center myself, make myself comfortable and sit before a chair. The chair can be empty, it can have a pillow on it, a friend who is willing to listen, a stuffed animial, what ever works. Then I was to start talking, just start letting out what was inside and go with the flow. Let all the things go that I hadn't been able to tell anyone and by talking, I was bringing out of the darkness into the light.

[Caressa2]

Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.
--Lawrence J. Peter

When we used alcohol or other drugs, most of us were hotheads. We thought we were right. If we were proven wrong, we may have made life hell for everyone. People knew enough to stay away from us.

In recovery, things will still go badly at times. We'll get hurt. And we'll get angry. But now, our anger no longer controls us. We also turn over our anger to our Higher Power. In our groups, we talk about what makes us angry. Then we leave the anger behind when the meeting is over. We find that being at peace is now more important than getting even.

Prayer for the Day

Higher Power, when I'm angry, help me slow down. Help me remember it's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to abuse people.

Action for the Day

I will remember a time when I turned anger into rage and hurt someone. I will also remember a time I was angry in a respectful way.

-Keep It Simple by Anonymous

THOUGHT FOR TODAY:

When I am in anger, it blocks me from God. I can't get to Him and He can't get to me!

[thebeemstress]

Caressa, I'm glad you mentioned this post at a meeting. I might have missed it, and it's great. There has to be something in this for just about anyone.

[lildee]

Dynomite stuff Caressa. Thanks for the post.
Love
Arlene

[dg]

Once again, THANKS! I just printed it all out.
Did you say you typed this all out longform?

[Caressa2]

Yes I typed it dg, but then I made a living doing it for years. I don't have a scanner. It helped me, because I needed to refresh it for myself.

Glad it has been able to help others.

[caressa]

Seeing as anger was the chip yesterday, thought I would bring this forward.

[caressa]

How do you work with anger?



"Character isn’t inherited. One builds it daily by the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, action by action. If one lets fear or hate or anger take possession of the mind, they become self-forged chains."

-- Helen Douglas

How do you feel about anger, in yourself and in others? How do you deal with it?

Anger is powerful energy. If we are afraid of this energy, we may attempt to deny or hide it. And when we lack control of the energy of anger, we impose it on other people or things.

The ways we react to anger usually reflect how we experienced anger as children and how our own anger when we were young was handled by the adults at the time.

In reality, anger, like any emotion, brings us information. It tells us how we feel about what is being experienced. If we receive anger’s message and learn more about ourselves, the energy will pass.

"Too often we underestimate how quickly our feelings are going to change because we underestimate our ability to change them."

-- David Gilbert

[majestyjo]

Some good thoughts here, anger came up today along with some resentments, so I needed this for me.

[caressa222]

Anger is a danger to recovery. Something I have struggled with over the years.