Post by caressa on Jun 14, 2004 21:13:22 GMT -5
Every time I picked up, I gave away a piece of myself.
Every time I was in a relationship, I lost my identity.
Every time I didn't work my program, I slipped mentally, emotionally and spiritually, many times even if I didn't slip physically.
When I came into recovery, I didn't know who I was. I didn't know what made me happy. I didn't know who I was, all I knew was what other people had projected onto me or their concept of who I should be and I was trying to fit the mold.
When I was in treatment, we were asked to do a collage (not sure if that is right spelling, a paper with pictures on it!). We were to portray how we felt inside, how we thought others saw us, how we thought we portrayed ourselves to others, and how we really wanted to look. It was amazing.
I found a picture which was all black and pale yellow was used in the background to indicate the profile of a gorilla surrounded by vines and thick jungle. A perfect portrayal of coming being in the darkness and just coming into the light.
I thought I portrayed the image of the girl next door!!! This is really funny considering I was raised to be a lady and spent most of my life trying to prove I wasn't. I had major resentment when the 'lady' came out because I didn't want to have any part of the religious teachings attached to her.
I thought that everyone saw me as an 'elderly' lady because I have been called 'mother since I was in my early thirties by people other than my son. He was born when I was 24, and I think I had a problem with that because everyone said I must have been a child bridge in order to have a son as old as he was. His birthdays always made me feel older than my own, because I never felt old. In today, I know it is because I never grew up and have always been young at heart, and then I found the Fountain of Youth when I came to recovery.
When I came through the doors of recovery at 49 I looked older than I did at 39. At 59, I looked younger than I did at 39. I never looked as good as I did at any time in my life as I did when I was 57. Maybe it was because I identified with the '57 Chevy which a big love of mine. The thing was the only difference between me and the girl in my collage was that she had blue eyes and mine are brown. I had the long blonde curly hair, the shine in the eyes, the clearness of self that she portrayed. God answers prayer. He has been very kind to me.
For someone who thought she was 'ugly' all of her life, it was a big step, to learn to identify myself and to learn to love the person I found within. Through the healing of the Fellowship and the Spirit of the program, I have healed. The Twelve Steps and Traditions have given me a new life, and one day at a time, as I become more aware, I am so grateful for all the gifts that have been given to me.
. I will be back looking for Lin and others.