Joke-of-the-day (For my Canuck Neighbors)

[SunnyGirl]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat
right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat
like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed
to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone
else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

[SunnyGirl]

The Moose Hunt

1:00 am. Alarm clock rings,
2:00 am. Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 am. Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pickup.
3:00 am. Leave for the deep woods
3:15 am. Drive back home to pick up gun.
3:30 am. Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 am. Set up camp. Forgot the d**n tent.
4:30 am. Head for the woods.
6:05 am. See two moose.



6:06 am. Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am. CLICK
6:08 am. Load gun while watching moose go over hill.
8:00 am. Head back to camp.
9:00 am. Still looking for camp
10.00 am. Realize you don't know where camp is.

NOON Fire your gun for help - eat wild berries.

2:15 pm. Run out of bullets - two come back.
2:20 pm. Strange feeling in stomach.
2:30 pm. Realize you have eaten poison berries.
2:45 pm. Rescued.
2:55 pm. Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:25 pm. Arrive back at camp.
3:30 pm. Leave camp to kill moose.
4:00 pm. Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 pm. Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 pm. Empty gun at squirrel that is bugging you.
6:00 pm. Arrive at camp - see moose grazing in camp.
6:01 pm. Load gun.
6:02 pm. Fire gun.

6:03 pm. Dead battery in pickup truck.
6:05 pm. Hunting, partner arrives in camp dragging moose.
6:06 pm. Repress desire to shoot hunting partner.
6:07 pm. Fall into fire.
6:10 pm. Change clothes.
6:15 pm. Take pickup. Leave hunting partner and his moose in camp.
6:25 pm. Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:25 pm. Start walking.
6:30 pm. Stumble and fall. Drop gun in mud.
6:35 pm. Meet bear.

6:36 pm. Take aim.
6:37 pm. Fire gun. Blow up barrel, plugged with mud.
6:38 pm. Mess pants.
6:39 pm. Climb tree.
9:00 pm. Bear leaves.
9:05 pm. Wrap stupid gun around tree.

MIDNIGHT Home at last.

Sunday: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing hunting
license into small pieces, place in envelope and mail to
Game Department with detailed instructions on where
to place it.

[SunnyGirl]

So there was this man who lived in Canada named
Bub.. and he had house right in town.. and no indoor
plumbing... and the outhouse was quite a ways from
the main house..

So anyway.. as he got older, the trip to the outhouse
in the middle of the night got to be to much for him so
he would go off the front porch.. and save himself the
long walk in the cold.

Well.. this upset his wife and so she had a lil' talk with
him.. patiently explaining that he shoudn't do that
cause the neighbors would see him and know what he
was doing. She made him promise to not do it anymore
and they both said *eh* to the pact.

Well, it turned very COLD and he had to go bad in the
middle of the nite so he got up and went outdoors. He
came back pretty fast and his wife said to him. "You
weren't gone very long, you went off the porch eh??"

He could not lie to her.. so he confessed.. "Eh.. yep."
She sighed and said.. "ya know... neighbors will know
it was you and what you were doing out there!"

He said.....

"Nah, they wont know it was me, I squatted down!"

[SunnyGirl]

An American, a Scot and a Canadian
were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought
to the same emergency room, but all three of them
died before they arrived.

Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the
American, he stirred and opened his eys.

Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked
him what happened. "Well, " said the American, "I
remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful
light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were
standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached
us and said that we were all too young to die, and
that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth.
So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the
$50, and the next thing I knew I was back ere."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what
happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was
haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting
for the government to pay for him." ;D

[SunnyGirl]

A Canadian hunter had been hunting all day long.
He fell asleep and was awakened late in the night
by a large grizzly bear.

The bear ripped the front of the tent and stood on
it's hind legs. The hunter only had one idea. He
dropped to his knees and prayed. "Lord, Please
let this be a Christian bear."

When the hunter opened his eyes the bear had
dropped to its knees. "Lord, thank you for this
meal in which I am about to receive."

[SunnyGirl]

An American couple drove into Saskatchewan and got
lost. Seeing a man on the street they asked where they
were.

The man answered "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan".

The wife said " Dear, ask that other man, maybe he
speaks English".

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

When a Canadian thinks of Hell he wonders what the
heating bill must be.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

A Canadian considers it one of the great thrills
of life when snow doesn't stick to his shovel.

[SunnyGirl]

Two Canadians were out fishing on
a lake when a bottle floated up to the boat. One guy
fished it out of the lake and opened it, whereupon a
genie popped out.

"Thank you for releasing me" said the genie.
I will grant you one wish."

The two men looked at each other and then one said,
"Okay, turn all the water in this lake into beer."

The genie granted his wish and the lake became beer.

The other man looked at his friend and said, "You idiot!
Now we have to pee in the boat!"

[SunnyGirl]

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old
son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and
catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the
market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong
moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and
lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and
going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting
and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly un-noticeable man in a grey suit is
sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper
and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion
he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly
folds his newspaper and places it onthe counter. He gets
up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the
market.

Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just)the
man carefully takes hold of the kid's balls and squeezes
gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man
catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands
the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the
coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no
lasting ill- effects, the father rushes over to the man
and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks
embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks.

As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question:
I've never seen anybody do anything like that before -
it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something
like that?

Oh, good heavens no the man replies......

"I work for Revenue Canada."

[SunnyGirl]

[SunnyGirl]

New Tax Form

Canada's T1 Tax Return Form
(New Simpler Format)

1. How much money did you make? $________
2. Send it to us.

Government of Canada

[preciouschihua]

maybe we aren't supposed to respond to this one
but well, this hard headed woman is going to. LOL
Too Funny, Cherie
too funny

Suz

[SunnyGirl]

( ( ( ( Suzzzzzzzzzz ) ) ) )

You are more than welcome to respond to this
thread..... In fact it is encouraged

And if you run accross any jokes, feel free to add them...

Hugs, SG

[SunnyGirl]

A Canadian came home and found his house on fire,
rushed next door, telephoned the fire department
and shouted, "Hurry over here… My house is on fire!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"What!!! Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

[SunnyGirl]

An English man, an Irish man and a Canadian, all
soldiers, decided that they had had enough of war.
They planned to escape that evening.

Unfortunately not soon after they snuck out they
crossed into forbidden territory and were arrested
by the enemy. Their penalty was death and they
were to be excecuted the following morning.

However the English man had devised a plan. He was
the first to be done away with. The guards took him
and tied him up to the stake. The firing squad got their
guns ready and the General said "ready, aim, ...
but before he could finish the English man screamed
out 'Tornado' and everyone ran for cover and he got
a way.

Seeing what he had done the Irish man decided to
follow in his foot steps. He was then tied up to the
stake and the words ready aim... were just being said
when he screamed out 'Sand Storm'. Everyone again
ran for cover and he got away.



The Canadian, not to be left out decided he would
follow the lead of the others. He was tied up to the
post and the general was just saying ready aim..
when he screamed out........


'FIRE'!

[SunnyGirl]

Understanding Canucks

Some foreigners are having a difficult time understanding
Canadians. Therefore I will give a quick brief translation
of the Canadian dialect and hopefully ease some minds
out there.

EH= pronounced AY (similar but not the same as huh)

Eh is a useful word that is very important and is the
basis of all Canadian communications. It is used in
conjunction with other words, or simply by itself. The
tone or the slight difference in exclamations also
changes the meaning.

Eh= what did you say?

Eh?= what do you think

EH?= something to say just to end a sentence

Eh!!= WOW!!

EH!?= what do you mean?

Eh??= your joking!!!??

EH!!= Hello..you off in the distance!!!

Eh?= want a donut?

Eh!= sure!!

Eh!Eh!= coffee double cream too please!
Eh?= what you say when you realize you have no money to pay for it
Eh..cmon eh?= asking them to let you pay for it next time.

hey..eh!= want to go to the drive in movie??
Eh...uhuh= yes sure!
Eh..y'know= Ill pick you up at 8
Eh..cmon!!= well thats early..but ok
Eh..wanna?eh?= lets fool around
EHHHHHHH= sounds coming from the car
hey..um..er eh...= Im pregnant
EH???= how did that happen?
EHHehhEHHehhEHHH= sounds from the delivery room
EHHH ehh EHHH ehh= babys first cry
Ehh..whadya think eh?= marry me

[SunnyGirl]

Signs you are in Canada

• You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
  
  
• You're not offended by the term "Homo Milk"
  
  
• You understand the phrase, "Could you please
  pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine".
  
  
• You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
  
  
• You drink pop, not soda.
  
  
• You know what it means to be on pogey.
  
  
• You know that a mickey and a 2-4 means
  "Party at the camp, eh!!"
  
  
• You don't hold your hand on your breast when
  you sing the national anthem.
  
  
• You can drink legally while still a teen.
  
  
• You know that francophones, anglophones and
  allophones are not electronic devices.
  
  
• You talk about the weather with strangers and
  friends alike.
  
  
• You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba,
  it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good
  cigars.
  
  
• When there is a social problem, you turn to your
  government to fix it instead of telling them to stay
  out of it.
  
  
• You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER
  had sex and don't want to know if he has!
  
  
• You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic
  jugs.
  
  
• Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
  
  
• You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
  
  
• You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some
  small town in Quebec!
  
  
• You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
  
  
• You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
  
  
• You know that Thrills are something to chew and
  "taste like soap".
  
  
• You know that Mounties " don't always look like that".
  
  
• You read rather than scanned this list.

I might have recognized 6 of these.... ;D

[SunnyGirl]

An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread,
butter and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum,
sits down next to him. The American ignores the Canadian
who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't.
In Canada, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we
collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into
croissants and sell them to America." The Canadian
has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.

The Canadian persists: " Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and
chuckling). "We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for
breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds,and left
overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into
jam and sell the jam to America."

The American then asks: " Do you have sex in Canada?"

Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says
with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once
you've used them?"

Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing
gum and sell them to Canada."