Post by Caressa2 on Mar 28, 2004 22:44:09 GMT -5
Tonight I went to my third CA meeting. The first one was a speaker meeting and the anniversary meeting for my new boyfriend. The second meeting was also speaker, and I went because a girl I knew was celebrating three years. This same girl opened a Women's CA Discussion Group and tonight I finally went after several requests from my boyfriend who kept saying to me, "They could really use your support, and it is close to you and you don't have far to go for a meeting" Because of my health, I haven't been able to get out or do the service work I normally do, and I have really felt the crunch and if it wasn't for the internet and being able to come here and to my sites, I am not sure what state I would be in.
I kept making "excuses" and saying, "I never did cocaine or crack (bastardized cocaine) and if they change the C to mean codeine, then I would be able to identify.
This was my disease talking. I know that the substance doesn't make the difference, it all leads to the same soul sickness. The problem isn't the substance, it is me.
Tonight I really knew I needed a meeting, especially a face to face meeting, because the cuss words were coming into my vocabulary much too often. I had a sponsor and spiritual advisor who told me in early recovery, "If you have recovery, show it!" Clean up your mouth, your actions as well as your appearance." If someone looks at you, will they see recovery?
It was a good meeting and I felt very comfortable about sharing. Most of the people in the room were new, and only six of the fourteen women there had over one year. CA has only been in my city for four years and there are now eight meetings.
Anyone can stay clean and sober, but there is a difference between sober and sobriety. Sobriety is soundness of mind, and my mind the last couple of days was anything but sound. I found myself back in that old pattern of should I or shouldn't I, which means I am back playing God with my life and have no Inner Knowingness. I am not spiritually connected.
My co-sponsor told me many years ago, "If you are doubting yourself, you are doubting God" When you turn your will and your life over to the care of God, He will empower you to do what you need to stay clean and sober just for today. If you can't hear that message, the channel is clogged, or IT has been shut off.
I think mine was clogged by too many words and thoughts, and I wasn't being still to listen to the answers, and if I heard, I wasn't always in a place of acceptance.
Recovery is a daily thing. All I have is one day, just for today, I choose not to use. May you all have another happy and prosperous twenty-four hours.
(Originally posted on http://www.another-24-hours.com)
I kept making "excuses" and saying, "I never did cocaine or crack (bastardized cocaine) and if they change the C to mean codeine, then I would be able to identify.
This was my disease talking. I know that the substance doesn't make the difference, it all leads to the same soul sickness. The problem isn't the substance, it is me.
Tonight I really knew I needed a meeting, especially a face to face meeting, because the cuss words were coming into my vocabulary much too often. I had a sponsor and spiritual advisor who told me in early recovery, "If you have recovery, show it!" Clean up your mouth, your actions as well as your appearance." If someone looks at you, will they see recovery?
It was a good meeting and I felt very comfortable about sharing. Most of the people in the room were new, and only six of the fourteen women there had over one year. CA has only been in my city for four years and there are now eight meetings.
Anyone can stay clean and sober, but there is a difference between sober and sobriety. Sobriety is soundness of mind, and my mind the last couple of days was anything but sound. I found myself back in that old pattern of should I or shouldn't I, which means I am back playing God with my life and have no Inner Knowingness. I am not spiritually connected.
My co-sponsor told me many years ago, "If you are doubting yourself, you are doubting God" When you turn your will and your life over to the care of God, He will empower you to do what you need to stay clean and sober just for today. If you can't hear that message, the channel is clogged, or IT has been shut off.
I think mine was clogged by too many words and thoughts, and I wasn't being still to listen to the answers, and if I heard, I wasn't always in a place of acceptance.
Recovery is a daily thing. All I have is one day, just for today, I choose not to use. May you all have another happy and prosperous twenty-four hours.
(Originally posted on http://www.another-24-hours.com)
. I will be back looking for Lin and others.