gambling and money woes

[SaraLee]

Dear Friends,
Once again things are getting out of hand concerning money in our household and I'm reaching out to you for guidance and wisdom.

I was reading some old posts in another section on codependency and looking to see if I fit the description.

" A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.
" Codependent No More , Melody Beattie

I am the bill payer in our home through default. I'm okay with handling this job, but I am also the person who gets out the cash on hand for both hubby and me. In the past, he came up with an amount of cash on hand he could live with, but for months now, he’s been coming to me asking for more money due to his gambling habit. Most of his cash goes directly towards that. I know he comes to me to get more cash for him because he knows he can't trust himself and because he wants my approval for spending more money and I know this because he is fit and able to just go to the bank and withdraw money on his own if he wanted to...and on occasion has! But when he asks me to give or get more money out for him, it puts me in a position that feels like I'm being his mother rather than his mate, and if I refuse to run to the bank and withdraw more money, of course he gets mad.

I do try to keep (or now it feels like enforcing) our agreement when it comes to spending so we are able to pay the bills, since it's my job to pay the bills, but I am also tired of having a grown man come to me begging for more funds. In the past we have tried writing up a budget but he ignores it. I've tried turning over his banking to him and he abuses it by taking out tons of money with no regard for our bills. I've tried handing the job of bill paying over to him and then the bills don't get paid.

This is all beginning to bother me, and as I read about codependency, I see that this situation is filling more of my thoughts than I'd like and I'm having 'been there, done that' thoughts of him going on a gambling spree, because he is giving me hints or veiled threats that his next move will be exactly that.

I am weakening, and don't know what should be my next move! I'm tired of playing this game of monitoring, losing ground, back to monitoring but the thought of going into debt again and then regrouping makes my stomach turn. I'm not sure if I should just stand my ground and put up with his whining, or try to make a new agreement with him which I already know would not be one that fits our financial responsibilities but would get him off my back. And having a heart to heart talk with him about spending would be like trying to talk to a mad dog!

I feel stuck.

SaraLee

[lildee]

Dearest SaraLee,

It's all about boundaries. When we set them we have to have the guts to stick to them. No one with an addiction no matter what the source is dealing with reality. Their main interest is where is their next rush going to come from. Reality is you have XXX # of dollars to work with to stay afloat, (never mind savings.) So just lay it on the line... this is all we have period. Priorities have to be taken care of first. Home, food ,clothing and so on. Giving into his whims for more and more money is only enabling him and sending a mixed message to him. (Well, it OK , if you only use this much money) That's like saying you're only a little pregnant ! You are condoning his habit. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Love you bunches.

God Bless
lildee

[SaraLee]

THanks lildee. It feels right for me to stick to our agreement and not give in. Boy, that can be hard but I know it's best and I'll have to see what happens in the future.
SaraLee

[Lin]

In my experience, I tried to control his spending money for years. It did not work. When he wanted drinking money, he found ways. Most of the time he woudl get another to buy his lunch and use his lunch money for a bottle on the way home. THEn he got tricky and realized he cold fill a freinds tank with gas on his credit card and get the freind to pay about half and use THAT for drinking. He had lots of takers on that little trick.

So standing up and saying...you want me to pay the bills and our spending money is a certain amount. If he threatenes to go on a spree...then he will probably do it. It wont be your fault for not giving him money to spend.

Lildee was correct...boundaries are important right now.

I wish you the best!

LIN

[mrsspanish]

saralee,
you are on my thoughts because i know setting boundaries and sticking to them is difficult. but thats the way to go!