Loving a recovering addict

[Jacinta]

Sorry, I haven't introduced myself first. Please take this as my intro....
I am just so tired, I don't know what to do anymore. I am sick of walking around on eggshells and everything being focussed on his recovery. I'm a person too and I have needs and feelings. I have so many issues that come from his lies and betrayal as it is. Not to mention the wider ramifications of his addiction on my life. I took the fall for him - and he still has so much support - and I have been left out in the cold. So here I am still supporting him, with not much support for myself and all the issues I face arising from his addiction, and then my own issues underneath that. Part of the recovery process is making amends. That just feels like one part of the process he has conveniently forgotten. He's got the self-absorption part down pat. There are so many things that only he can do to rectify situations in my life that have been decimated by his addiction, but he has chosen not to do anything - he needs time to think about it. I feel really let down. I know if it was me - the first thing I would have done after getting out of rehab was to set the story straight and lessen the implications on his life. I'm just so tired of it. He tells me just to have faith - that he's going through a tough time. I have been nothing more than compassionate and understanding towards him throughout the whole ordeal (which he happened to bring into my life). I need more than faith - I need support for me. Actually, I don't know whether I need even that. I completely understand that true recovery may need to be a selfish process - but I'm not getting enough from him for it to be healthy for me anymore. It just feels like he got clean and he doesn't want us anymore. He says that is not the case. But I've been getting scraps for the past 7 months, and giving a hell a lot of love, encouragement, support because of his situation. I'm getting very close to reaching the point of having given too much, without receiving enough in return to justify the relationship. He wants to go to coffee tomorrow to discuss my feelings. I'm so close to not even being bothered. It will just be a discussion of his feelings - and my feelings will be glossed over and like water off a duck's back to him. I feel so sad, so tired, so empty, so angry. Story of my life - being betrayed - doing everything I can to find the strength to forgive someone who has asked for my forgiveness - and then being abandoned by them in the end. He says he hasn't abandoned me - but if this is recovery - it sucks. I don't mean to undermine the seriousness of addiction and the hard work he has put into recovery - afterall I have been there beside him, supporting him every step of the way. I just can't see where my needs fit into the equation any more. It is all him, him, him and everything revolves around recovery. Surely part of recovery is reclaiming a life outside of addiction. It just feels like "recovery" is his new addiction. Actually, it feels like "recovery" is a perfect excuse for him to be a selfish prick with no regard for the needs or feelings of anyone else. He is going really well in the process but for me, I am just feeling "what about me!!!!" at the moment "I'm a human too with my own needs, feelings, issues". "Just because I am not a recovering addict doesn't mean I mustn't have any challenges in my life. There are absolutely no support for friends or families of addicts in my area. Because I'm not officially in a relationship with him (because I have healthy personal boundaries) means that I am excluded from the few supports there are - probably because of high demand. In the last 7 months, 1 person has asked me once - "and how are you?". That is the sum total of the support I have got, and boy, that 1 person holding out their hand to me, was something I will never forget!!!! I think it's time to reassess just how healthy my personal boundaries actually are - they certainly aren't allowing me to feel too god-d**n healthy at the moment.

[Lin]

Welcoem to EOR jacinta! Tha'ta abeautiful nbame, by the way! HOW ARE YOU TODAY???


You said there is not much support for you in your area. Do you mean they have no naranon or AlAnon meetings close by? That is YOUR support. That is YOUR healing place.

I can really relate to your pain, frustration and angrer. You have ben there to supprot him and now that he is clean, you also need support. One thing i am sure you are aware of, it takes LOTS of work for them to get sober/clean. And until they get a good handle on their own life, the loved ones are often left out in the cold. they have to spend alot of time with sponsors and others who are recovering. They spend alot of time going to meetings. The best thing YOU can do is get to YOUR meetings. If you cant find them face to face, then try online for a while. It's not the same, but surely better than nothing at all.

Post in the naranon section here at EOr. We will reply and give you support. Our thursday naranon emeting is currently without a moderator. Hopefully we will get it back up and going soon. I chair AlAnon on friday nights at 8 eastern. You are welcome to join us then. This week and next week may be tricky. Christmas eve and new years eve MIGHt not end up as meetings. If I am home, i will check in at starting time. If nobody comes by quarter after, I will log out. The home page has two chatrooms. I have ben having the meetings I chair in the SIGMA CHAT room.

Learning to detach from HIS recovery is a big part of YOUR recovery. Learning not to take the things he does personally helps us love them without getting upset over their actions. it takes time and practice. The more meetings we atttend, the more recovery books we read, the more things we learn to try and to change, the quicker we can get better.

I wish you the best. I'm happy for you both that he DID go to rehab and he is at leazt TRYING to stay clean. Thata a good start.

Hang in ther jacinta. It CAN get better.

You know what? maybe he does nto RAELI*Ze you feel left out of his recovery. Maybe he does nto realize y9ou feel he owes you more of an amends. Mine never once said he was sorry for all of the crap he put me through. I asked him once when he would get to the amends step and he said he was past it. I never noticed any amends. He never said he was sorry and he never showed me any different way of treating me. So i was not sure he had done that step. An amends is not an apo9logy. it may never even be in words. It is a change int heir actions...the way they treat us. So i will wait and see.

Mine ahd 3 1/2 years sober last summer and he relapsed. He continued the relapse for about 6 months. It got really serious again and he checked into a hospital and rehab for about 3 weeks. He's been ome 5 days. So far he is acting MUCH better,

I wish you the best and also a MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Take care of yourself. Let us know how you are oding. We care.

LIN

[Jacinta]

Hi Lin,

Thank you sooo much for your helpful, caring response!!!

The nearest NarAnon meeting is 30kms away from where I live. I have tried to contact them for the past 4 months unsuccessfully. But your letter informed me that it was worth to keep trying. Not knowing anything about addiction or what NarAnon was about, the lack of return calls to this group's answering machine left me thinking "Oh Well, NarAnon must be another way of saying NA and it must be for the addicts themselves".

Now I know that NarAnon is in fact for family and friends, I will persist.

I really appreciate hearing about your own struggle. Hearing other people's stories, how they see their situations, their issues, and how they have dealt with the issues presented to them is important to me. I'm obviously aware there would be sooo many people who go through what I go through on a daily basis but I haven't been able to find them... until now!

I'm so happy I have found Essence of Recovery - and I will introduce myself in AlAnon and then in NarAnon, when it becomes available.

I can't thank you enough for your guidance and support.

Love,

Jacinta

[caressa]

Thanks again for sharing. There is a lot of reading on this site, and even though it was posted months ago, it still applies in today.

The Steps are a bluepring to a new way of spiritual living. Each one has a spiritual principle behind it, and it doesn't matter where the Step originate or where they are posted, the spiritual principle is the same. This is a living program, and I had to learn to apply the spiritual principle of each step to my life.

I am the daughter of an alcoholic, the daughter of an addict, the mother of an alcoholic (self-admitted)/addict (not admitted), was married to an alcoholic and I had a very dear and good friend steal medication from me so I can identify with the anger. It was difficult to understand. I had to realize it was his disease and seperate it from the person in order to find any kind of foregiveness and acceptance. When I got that for myself, I found some peace and was no longer walking around in the perpetual rage.

[Lin]

It's OK to love an alcoholic/addict. That's a line i her often in my meetings. t's not EASY, but it's OK. I find it easier when they are in recovery, but it's still possible when they are not. I did it for many years. I've been married 36 years and only abut 3 of those he was clean and sober.

So take hope. If you decide to still have him in your life. YOU can change and it can be made possible. Some folks are ready to throw in the towel by the time they get to AlAnon.

Did you ever check to see if there was a clsoer AlAnon meeting thatn the naranon one? it COULD be a decent substitution.

Hope you ahve a wonderful day!
LIN