Post by lildee on Dec 1, 2004 0:45:08 GMT -5
I've struggled long and hard in Al-Anon to understand the idea of detachment with love. At first, it sounded like an oxy- moron. Detachment was the opposite of love, I thought. It seemed like abandoning the people I loved because of their alcoholism. Was I supposed to just stop caring?
In Al-Anon I began to see that my way of caring often meant reacting and manipulating. I'd do something nice for someone because I wanted to be liked. I'd get so caught up in someone else's problems that I didn't have time or energy to seek solutions for my own difficulties. Sometimes I wanted to attach myself and feed off someone mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Then I wouldn't have to deal with the scariness of being a separate person who took risks. Despite these intellectual glimmerings about my motives, I felt frustrated that I didn't know how to translate them into positive behavior. I simply decided my problem was that I loved too much. I began to regard any act of helpfulness or kindness on my part as a slip.
After I told my sponsor about my new insight, he explained the goal was detachment, not amputation! To detach isn't to stop caring about others; it means I care equally as much for myself. It means I love myself enough to stay out of others' insanity. It means putting enough emotional distance between myself and another to see each of us as a separate individual. Being helpful and kind feels wonderful. It's only when I do this with the belief that I can fix, change, or control the other person that I need to question my motives.
Thought for the Day
Sometimes what I call "love" is really just control.
"Simply put, detachment means to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people. "
How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics, p. 84
In Al-Anon I began to see that my way of caring often meant reacting and manipulating. I'd do something nice for someone because I wanted to be liked. I'd get so caught up in someone else's problems that I didn't have time or energy to seek solutions for my own difficulties. Sometimes I wanted to attach myself and feed off someone mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Then I wouldn't have to deal with the scariness of being a separate person who took risks. Despite these intellectual glimmerings about my motives, I felt frustrated that I didn't know how to translate them into positive behavior. I simply decided my problem was that I loved too much. I began to regard any act of helpfulness or kindness on my part as a slip.
After I told my sponsor about my new insight, he explained the goal was detachment, not amputation! To detach isn't to stop caring about others; it means I care equally as much for myself. It means I love myself enough to stay out of others' insanity. It means putting enough emotional distance between myself and another to see each of us as a separate individual. Being helpful and kind feels wonderful. It's only when I do this with the belief that I can fix, change, or control the other person that I need to question my motives.
Thought for the Day
Sometimes what I call "love" is really just control.
"Simply put, detachment means to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people. "
How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics, p. 84