Post by lildee on Jan 14, 2005 8:24:24 GMT -5
Hope for Today
One of the most valuable skills I've learned in AI-Anon is to discern acceptable behavior and to set limits with others. Setting boundaries helps me take care of myself in relationships and keeps me from being a victim. Responses to boundaries help me evaluate the quality of my relationships.
Nevertheless, I still feel some trepidation when I set limits. I fear that the other person may become angry and end the relationship. I experienced different forms of abandonment during my alcoholic upbringing, and it's not a feeling I relish re-experiencing. Sometimes dread prevents me from setting limits. Other times I state my boundaries in overly rigid terms, hoping I'll never have to deal with the problem again. My best success comes when I set my limits one day at a time.
For example, my spouse watches television late at night and often unintentionally wakes me when he comes to bed. Depending on how my day went, sometimes this bothers me and sometimes it doesn't. I no longer set a global, black-and-white boundary with my spouse. Instead of saying, "From now on when you watch television after 11:00 PM, I'm going to sleep in the guest room," I ask him, "Are you going to watch any more of that show?" If he responds affirmatively, I tell him I'm going to sleep in the guest room and bid him a pleasant evening. In this way I care for myself, and I don't set myself up for resentment. I leave options for both of us, which makes our relationship run more smoothly.
Thought for the Day
Boundaries don't help me when they're too loose or too rigid. If I set them flexibly--0ne instance at a time-they can help improve my relationships.
"AI-Anon taught me the difference between walls and boundaries.
One of the most valuable skills I've learned in AI-Anon is to discern acceptable behavior and to set limits with others. Setting boundaries helps me take care of myself in relationships and keeps me from being a victim. Responses to boundaries help me evaluate the quality of my relationships.
Nevertheless, I still feel some trepidation when I set limits. I fear that the other person may become angry and end the relationship. I experienced different forms of abandonment during my alcoholic upbringing, and it's not a feeling I relish re-experiencing. Sometimes dread prevents me from setting limits. Other times I state my boundaries in overly rigid terms, hoping I'll never have to deal with the problem again. My best success comes when I set my limits one day at a time.
For example, my spouse watches television late at night and often unintentionally wakes me when he comes to bed. Depending on how my day went, sometimes this bothers me and sometimes it doesn't. I no longer set a global, black-and-white boundary with my spouse. Instead of saying, "From now on when you watch television after 11:00 PM, I'm going to sleep in the guest room," I ask him, "Are you going to watch any more of that show?" If he responds affirmatively, I tell him I'm going to sleep in the guest room and bid him a pleasant evening. In this way I care for myself, and I don't set myself up for resentment. I leave options for both of us, which makes our relationship run more smoothly.
Thought for the Day
Boundaries don't help me when they're too loose or too rigid. If I set them flexibly--0ne instance at a time-they can help improve my relationships.
"AI-Anon taught me the difference between walls and boundaries.
. I will be back looking for Lin and others.