Co-dependency?

[Lin]

What is co-dependency?

I read Co-Dependent no more over 10 years ago I and I know I fit the description. But I dont have that book right now and can't write the definition of it.

To me i was in a crazy fog and alot of what I was reading did not soak in. But I do know i saw myself. I look at it as those qualities in me that are compelled to be in charge and control of everybody around me...to want to FIX the problems of others. It is that need to help people whether they are ready for help or not. I see it as being tangled in the lives of others so tightly I did not have time for a life of my own. That's jsut my interpretation. I know Sunnygirl and others may have the right quote to explain it better.

I DO have Melody Beattie's book THE LANGUAGE OF LETTING GO. Every time I loan that out I buy me a new one. I am on copy #4. But i read Co-dependent no more form the public library and took it back. I know she is an expert on the subject. ANy of her books are great.

And i know it's not fatal. I know it is possible to reverse many of those behaviors that made me co-dependent.

I hope others will reply to this. I'd really like to hear more.
LIN

[SunnyGirl]

" Whatever problem the other person has, codependency involves a habitual system of thinking, feeling, and behaving toward ourselves and others that can cause us pain. Codependent behaviors or habits are self-destructive. We frequently react to people who are destroying themselves; we react by learning to destroy ourselves. These habits can lead us into, or keep us in, destructive relationships, relationships that don't work. These behaviors can sabotage relationships that may otherwise have worked. These behaviors can prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our lives--ourselves. These behaviors belong to the only person each of us can control-the only person we can change--ourselves. "

" A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.
" Codependent No More , Melody Beattie
____________________________________________

CHARACTERISTICS OF CO-DEPENDENT

1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you and receiving approval from you.

2. Your struggles affect my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.

3. My attention is focused on pleasing you, protecting you, manipulating you to "do it my way".

4. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems and relieving your pain.

5. My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.

6. Because I feel you are a reflection of me, your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires.

7. Your behavior is dictated by my desires.

8. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel. I am not aware of what I want. I ask you what you want. If I am not aware of some thing, I assume.

9. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.

10. My fear of your anger and rejection determine what I say or do. In our relationship, I use giving as a way of feeling safe.
_____________________________________________

[SunnyGirl]

This is what the Nar-Anon program has to say........

What is Co-Dependency?

Co-dependency is a pattern of habitual self-defeating
coping mechanisms. This is often a result of living in a
home affected by alcoholism or drug addiction. In these
types of homes there are three messages:

Don't talk
Don't feel
Don't trust

In a healthy family, members can talk, can feel, and they
can tell the truth. Living in an environment where one
feels as if they're constantly "walking on egg shells"
and "waiting for the other shoe to drop" causes a great
deal of stress and anxiety. This stress/anxiety is
heightened when there are rigid, inflexible rules and
belief systems imposed on people trapped in one of
these families. As a result, the co-dependent develops
habitual self-defeating coping mechanisms in an
attempt to survive: such as - my fear of rejection
determines what I say or do or, I like to avoid your
anger. Further to this, these mechanisms cause the co-
dependent to be out of touch with who they are
because they have been in a mind altering experience.

Co-dependency is multi-generational and can be
present even when there is no active drinking or drug
use. Co-dependency is a disease which has, as its
basis, a dysfunctional family of origin.

Who Can Become a Co-dependent?

Where do we need to look for this dysfunctional
behavior of emerging patterns of co-dependency? We
will find it in a person who is either alcoholic or non-
alcoholic and who has been adversely influenced by one
of the following types of people:

a. Alcoholic or drug dependent parent

b. Co-dependent parent

c. The alcoholic or non-alcoholic who has an
addicted spouse

d. Someone who has an addicted child

e. A co-dependent spouse

The end result is an inability to maintain functional
relationships. In fact, co-dependents don't have
relationships so much as they take "hostages"
while feeling that they are "held hostage".

Most co-dependents have been searching for ways
to overcome the dilemmas of the conflicts in their
relationships and their childhood. Many were raised
in families where addictions existed - some were not.
Many were later influenced by an addicted or co-
dependent person. In either case, the reality in co-
dependents' lives is that co-dependency is a deeply
rooted compulsive behavior and that it is borne out of
sometimes moderately, and sometimes extremely
dysfunctional family systems.

Often, co-dependents have experienced in their own
ways the painful trauma of the emptiness of their
childhood and relationships throughout their lives.
They attempted to use others, their mates, friends
and even their children as their sole source of identity,
value and well being and, as a way of trying to restore
within themselves the emotional losses from their
childhood. Their histories may include other powerful
addictions which they have used to cope with their co-
dependencies. The bottom line here is that those other
addictions may possibly be symptoms of a co-deptendent
personality.

The Three Stages of Co-Dependency

1. Early: In this early stage, the co-dependent learns
how to cope, and here the acceptance or rationalization
of their addict's behavior takes place. They constantly
try to help out this sick or addicted person.

2. Middle: The co-dependent develops habitual self
defeating coping mechanisms. When the coping
mechanisms don't work, the co-dependent does more
and takes on more responsibility. They adopt their
behavior to accommodate their addicts active addiction.
The co-dependent's focus is on the addict..

3. Control: The co-dependent, in frustration, tries to
control more and more aspects of the addict's life. This
often leads to family collapse and a crisis in personal
values. Co-dependency, at this point, is reduced to
continual self-defeating behavior.

The whole process is circular and rotates within the
family from person to person. What we want to do
in treatment is help each other break the cycle.

Dynamics of Co-Dependents

1. Out of touch with their own experience: Co-dependents
are in a "mood altered" state, leading to neglect of
their needs. Co-dependents will often say things such
as "I used to do that at one time", etc.

2. Their feelings are discounted: Co-dependents do
not know they have the right to feel. They show anger
a great deal which protects them from exhibiting other
feelings.

3. A great deal of emotional pain.

4. Learned not to ask for help: Co-dependents have
overwhelming feelings of being on their own and you
should never ask for help because then you really are
on your own.

5. Not able to get needs met: Not only are co-dependents
not able to get their needs met, they often can't even
identify their needs.

6. They mistake feelings: They mistake feelings such as
control for security, intensity for intimacy, and obsession
for fear.

7. Tolerance: Co-dependents have an extremely high
tolerance for inappropriate behavior.

8. Anger: Co-dependents often suffer continual feelings
of anger that they feel compelled to suppress.

9. Health: Co-dependents do not recognize, or ignore,
the injury to their own physical and mental health. They
believe the alcoholic or addicts has the problem.

10. Adjustment and change: Co-dependents adjust
constantly to external circumstances but never make
any real changes.

11. Co-dependents are compulsive about pretending:
They hide the truth, they react constantly to the
alcoholic or addict, and usually put up a front that
everything is OK.

12. Defensiveness: Co-dependents get very defensive
about their feelings.

13. Co-dependencies are infectious: Others that are
vulnerable will easily get pulled.

14. Realization: In recovery, a co-dependent will come
to understand their own role in the cycle of addiction. By
working the twelve steps of Nar-Anon, they will learn to
change their perception and behavior to regain control
over and improve their own lives.

Common characteristics of co-dependency

a. My good feelings about who I am stem from being
liked by you.

b. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving
approval by you.

c. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention
focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.

d. My mental attention is focused on pleasing and
protecting you.

e. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you
(to do it my way).

f. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems
and relieving your pain.

g. My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time
is spent sharing your interests or issues.

h. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you
feel.

i. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.

j. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.

k. I put my values aside in order to connect with you.

l. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.

Part of the recovery process is when we can see
and acknowledge our behavior. Be patient, live and let
God, and above all, be good to yourself.

[Caressa2]

CONTROL PATTERNS

I must be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviors over my own.
I agree with others so they will like me.
I focus my attention on protecting others.
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I keep score of "good deeds and favors," becoming very hurt when they are not repaid.
I am very skilled at guessing how other people are feeling.
I can anticipate other's needs and desires, meeting them before they are asked to be met.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I am calm and efficient in other people's crisi situations.
I feel good about myself only when I am helping others.
I freely offer others advice and direction without being asked.
I put aside my own interests and concerns in order to do what others want.
I ask for help and nurturing only when I am ill, and then reluctantly.
I cannot tolerate seeing others in pain.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain aproval and acceptance.
I attempt to convince others of how they "truly" think and "should" feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

COMPLIANCE PATTENS:

I assume responsibility for others' feelings and behaviors.
I feel guilty about others' feelings and behaviors.
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I have difficulty expressing feelings.
I am afraid of my anger, yet sometimes erupt in a rage.
I worry how others may respond to my feelings, opinions and behavior.
I have difficulty making decisions.
I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am afraid to express differing opinions or feelings.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own.
I put other people's needs and desires before mine.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise, or gifts.
I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am perfectionistic.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situtations too long.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable and worthwhile person.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
If you can identify with even a few items on this list, perhaps the Twleve Steps of Recovery will help you change your life, and put you on a path to a new freedom of self.

groups.msn.com/TheAngelofPerfection

[SunnyGirl]

Hi Caressa....

I had forgotten all about this thread....

Thanks for adding to it, there is so much good
information here....

Peace on the journey, SG

[dg]

Thanks sg and caressa
I think that this reading is excellent to have and know and to print out for future reference ( reminder).

[Lin]

I had also forgotten about this thread. Thanks for that list Caressa. It was scarey how many of those things I ahve been in my life.

thanks for bringing it to the top again.
LIN

[DJgrrl]

I really needed to find this. It's scary how many of those I *still* am. I do recognize this. The hardest part for me is the action. Al anon is helping me to take action.
I read The Language of Letting Go every day along with 3 CAL daily readers. It's my favourite along with Hope For Today.

[mrsspanish]

i needed this as well.... i thought i was better but i see that i still have some of these behaviors.
thanks

[majestyjo]

I read the preface to Codependent No More and ran to Al-Anon. As a result, I started to go to more meetings regularly. Was always going to start a meeting but never got there.