face to face vs. online

[Lin]

We had a discussion of this in chat last night. I thoguth I'd post and see what ya'll think.

I personally use f2f faithfully and supplement the inbetween meeting times with online. I like the convenience of online for message baords. I can read and vent at a time of the day or night that's not convenient for me to call my sponsor.

The things I get at a f2f cannot come thru a computer monitor. The real hugs, the opportunities to laugh and cry with a freind, The sitting across a table from my sponsor and talking to her about my step work or concerns. There's something sort of intimate and bonding about that ...and it can't be duplicated by online. That human interaction..the faces, the tears, is something you jsut cannt get online.

I started recovery 11 years ago. I went to at least 90 meetings those first 90 days, alanon, aoca, and open AA. After tht i dropped my f2f to 3 or 4 each week. I did that for abtou 2 years. Then some of our local ones closed. I am down to 1 or 2 a week, but I make that f2f an important priority for my week. Online recovery is more difficult to work in my opinion. I
m happy I did those 90 in 90 f2f. I got a big head start on my recovery and it did nto take so long to understand the program.

I can honestly see how people with ccertain situations, woudl find online easier. If you are hearing impaired, if you live in a very sparsely populated area such as parts of new Zealand or Austrailia...I can see online the best way if a person is handicapped or does nto drive for other reasons. If a person has young children and nobody to trust to leave them with,..i can see online being easier for them. If a person is able to get out and there are meetings within a 30 min or so drive, then I see f2f as a priority.

Working the steps CAn be done online, but it's jsut not as easy as f2f. Having a local sponsor is wonderful.

But i see f2f as having to come first. Online is very important to me and my life, but it has to come second.

I've heard people say they cant go to a f2f meeting because then everybody in town witll KNOW. Too bad. If the town is that small, eveybody already knows.

This is jsut my thougths. Take what you like and leave the rest.

LIN

[lildee]

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go.

Step Twelve

The Twelfth Step says that having had a spiritual awakening, we try to carry this message to others. Our message is one of hope, love, comfort, health - a better way of life, one that works.

How do we carry it? Not by rescuing. Not by controlling. Not by obsessing. Not by becoming evangelists for the recovery cause.

We carry the message in many small, subtle, but powerful ways. We do our own recovery work and become a living demonstration of hope, self-love, comfort, and health. These quiet behaviors can be a powerful message.

Inviting (not ordering or demanding) someone to go to a meeting is a powerful way to carry the message.

Going to our meetings and sharing how recovery works for us is a powerful way to carry the message.

Being who we are and allowing our Higher Power to guide our actions are powerful ways to carry the message. Often, we find ourselves carrying the message more effectively than we do when we set out to reform, convince, or coerce someone into recovery.

Caretaking and controlling are not ways to carry the message. All those behaviors carry is codependency.

Still, the most powerful form of helping others comes down to helping ourselves. When we do our own work and are honest and open about it, we impact others more than by our most well intentioned "helping" gesture. We cannot change others, but when we change ourselves, we may end up changing the world.

Today, I will strive to carry the message in ways that work. I will let go of my need to "help" people. Instead, I will concentrate on helping and changing myself. If an opportunity comes up to share my recovery with someone, I will do so quietly. God, help me show others comfort, empowerment, and hope. I can be a channel to help others when I am ready. I do not have to force this; it will happen naturally.
_____________________________________________

There was a time when I remember black and white TV, and how everyone was amazed at it. Soon followed color TV, air conditioning, microwaves and all the creature comforts we now have. Along with all these new innovations came the computer. For me it has given me a new freedom. I can shop on-line, I can read the latest novel on - line, I can find information on any subject in a milli- second, where peviously it could take days or months to find the same information. Along with that came recovery on-line.

Recovery on -line is just a different way of doing things. You can have sponsors on line, work the steps on-line and IMHO build quite a relationship with someone on - line. You can carry on long discussions which in another situation time would be a factor. There are also several other benefits to on- line recovery. You can see how people across the world are working their programs. You can always find someone in recovery on line at different sites. There is always a meeting when you need one. Aside from not being able to physically touch my friends in recovery I think I am closer to them than I would be in a real F2F. I know their families, their problems , their concerns. I know when they are in pain. For me I back all this up with phone calls. I just guess that my recovery is electrically charged.

As previously mentioned not being able to drive has been a hindrance with getting to F2F. And the local meeting here is filled with a bunch of old cronies who are stuck in their way of thinking. So I found this meeting totally useless for my recovery. There wasn't any ESH there. Just complaints about their grand - children acting up, or their son's bird sqauking too much. This is not what I wanted from recovery. This meeting had turned into a tea party for a few with no message of recovery there. For me my ESH is right here. There are boards to read, meetings to go to, people on-line to talk to. I am quiet at home on-line. Recovery on - line is just a different new way of communicating our thoughts and feelings.

[tired]

Well said lildee i also find eor is the perfect match for me not that i have to explain but my life is very full not that i your lifes are not. I have a six year old and mostly a husband that is very active in the community and most eveningd hes out . His only night off is saturday night and thats meeting night. the other meeting is in a location that isnt the best and parking is a problem also these meetings are not in my area so i would not be sharing a cup of coffee with a sponsor anyway after the meeting i have to get home i will go back to f2f but when it suits me and my situations i cant spilt myself in so many directions thats something iam trying to change it serves only to burn me out iam working the program at my own pace and to me thats getting more i dont move ahead until i trually understand and start to practice those steps my time is limited and i cant be all things to all people i will continue to do what i can i respect all of your opionins and i think of the phrase To each his own is fitting your friend tired

[dg]

Morning..
This kind of topic has been brought up many times before regarding wether f2f vs online meetings being the best way to obtain recovery.

I believe that its really up to the individual to decided whats best for THEM in regarding how they get their recovery. There is no right way or wrong way at doing recovery meetings. As long as the person is willing to accept step one: We are powerless.... and then move on to getting recovery started.
Online meetings has slew of great information that we can get that perhaps f2f meetings don't have on hand at the time of the meetings.
one time when I went to Alanon meetings and Naranon meetings. NO information was at hand. Only go to this place to buy it, or that place to buy it. When all we can do is come to any given site, there is info on what we need to know now. Of course books are great investments for recovery, sometimes just getting what information on line is enough to get by at the time.

I used to feel that I have to explain to others at why I chose my way of doing my recovery, but its not important anymore, whats more important is how we do our program, and maintain it umong us to get better and deal with our everyday issues at a different way be it online or f2f meetings.

[Caressa2]

Certainly a topic of controversy and one I have had with several people over the years. I only started going to online meetings since I came here a few months ago. I went on another site and it was a bad experience for me, and never went back.

I found a lot of 'lingo' and personal conversations and never felt like I was a part of.

If it wasn't for face to face meetings I would not be sober, and I would have not continued to go to Al-Anon from the first day I went on December 14, 1991. The smiles, the warmth, the hugs, and the many diverse circumstances of each person, brought together with a common bond. All ages, all races and all with different issues, who could come together and love and care for someone who couldn't love herself, had no self-esteem and self-worth.

My first AA meeting in recovery was a group of women around a table who had sparkle in their eyes, a smile on their faces and a glow of love and 'living' which I had never seen or felt and I saw and thought, "I want what they have!" I kept coming back to get it!

I find the meetings here are good, but we can still sugar coat things, say only what we want to say and be known, but when you are at a face to face meeting, people sense my pain and my honesty, my willingness and my openness. Face to face meetings for me have always been a part of my working the Fourth and Fifth Steps in my life on a daily basis.

Don't get me wrong, I love these meetings, I feel like family, but I honestly couldn't say that I would have gotten sober and stayed sober without face to face meetings. One of the biggest reasons is the fact that the long-timers were there and I learned a lot of wisdom from them. Today because I can't get out like I use to, they are a good alternative.

Last night was a good example of that. I spoke at an open AA meeting, the energy was awesome, saw people I hadn't seen for a long time, didn't talk long which was unusual for me, but I told the whole message as a long-timer pointed out to me. I managed to make it home to say hello at the meeting here, but for the first time in months, I was able to go to bed early and slept off and on, did meditation and processed some feelings and dreams for twelve hours. This is amazing for someone who never sleeps as a rule more than three hours at a time and about six-seven in total.

Onliine meetings are good, but I think you are missing out on a lot of "sobriety" (peace of mind) by not going to face to face meetings.

[SunnyGirl]

face to face vs. online

I have never attended a f2f Al-Anon/Nar-Anon
meeting..... When I think back to the person
who first began the online meetings, I believe
I would have been wise to have attended the
face to face meetings. I could have used the
hugs and support from those meetings.....

But I was blessed to have found a wonderful
online support group and I have survived some
of the darkest moments in my life. I might have
healed a lot quicker in f2f meetings, but so far
online has given me what I seem to need.

When a newcomer comes on to the message boards
I always suggest trying to find a face to face meeting.
By supplementing f2f with the online recovery, you
have the best of both.......

For me, online recovery has helped me to find peace
within myself. I've had to do a lot of work on my own,
I've had to reach out to God and I have had to ask
for your ESH many times. But it is possible to find
happiness without face to face meetings...... It's a
choice that each person has to make for themselves.

I wish each of you peace where ever you choose to
look for recovery ....


Hugs, SG

[Lin]

well said sunnygirl...the best of both. That's what i get. I get my human contact and I also get the valuable resources and freinds all over the world here at EOR. I am like caressa...she got sober at f2f and I got a firm foundation in my recovery at f2rf. Online is a supplement for me. its not my main way of recovery. For ME that's what works best.

Thanks Lilde, caressa, DG and tired for the replies. Several of the replies find online their best choice. I love online. I'd never say it was inferioe ro anything like that. I ahve grown ALOT from my online contacts. I jsut know that for ME I learned the program and started changing from my f2f. And Tried..when I said coffee with a sponsor, i did nto necessarily mean before or after the meeting. the lunch out or coffee out is usually a different day and time. So the neighborhood or the parking at a meeting should not make that a problem.

we do what we have to do.

LIN

[SaraLee]

I started out with f2f meetings and probably would not have stuck it out or continued in the program if I had only gone to online meetings. I definately needed the physical closeness of others and seeing and listening to others talk about their experience, strength and hope "live" in a completely uncensored and spontaneous way and getting immediate feedback...that was also very important to me.

Online recovery like EOR has one feature that f2f doesn't and that is the ability to read and reread what others write in the forum and at meetings. It gives me a chance to go back and absorb what others write and that is a great advantage for me.

So both have good and sometimes not so good points. I enjoy both and wouldn't leave out either.
SaraLee

[Redroses]

Hello Everyone,

This is my first post here. Lin invited me to respond to the f2f vs online meetings question. I have read everyones posts with interest.

I agree that each person has to work their program in the way they can. That has changed for me over the years . I began 13.5 years ago with f2f meetings. I also attended open AA speaker meetings to try to understand a disease I did not at all understand then. Both were very helpful to me in getting me started on working the steps myself.

I have had the same sponsor all these years, although recently we have connectd less due to changing circumstances in both of our lives. I now have another sponsor as well that I stay in close touch with.

Today, the best combination of things for me is a close relationship with my sponsor and online meetings. I have a demanding job and schedule-wise-online meetings are my only good option right now. I am not sure without my base of years of f2f meetings if this would be enough--but that is me.

I am very grateful to have found EOR and consider it very important in my ongoing recovery process.

RoseTEXT

[Doll]

Great topic. I have been around the rooms of Al-Anon for over 26 years. A life time for some of you.....
When I found Al-Anon there was no online so I started like Lin.... meetings....face to face and as many as possible. The people from the meetings became like family to me. I have a tendancy to isolate myself....going to face to face meetings didn't allow me to do that. I am afraid that only online would have just allowed me to isolate even more.

When I found online recovery over at the old AEB site....I loved it immediately....but I already knew the program. I am not sure that I could have stuck around if all I did was online..... I agree like many have said that you can have the best of both worlds.....use all the tools that are out there, but I think like others have said that if it is all possible f2f should have your main effort and supplement with online for all those other times when you can't reach your sponsor or find another support person from your group.

Because of life changes I don't get online often anymore, but I do stop in and read the boards on a regular basis.....and please know that even if I don't post I am saying prayers for all of my EOR friends, those who are still here and those who like me aren't able to be here as much.

Love to All of You
Doll

[dordep]

Hi ((((((family))))))))

When I got into recovery in AA in 1981, there were no computers or online meetings...ie...wasn't even a discussion or an opinion needed.

In the 12 and 12 of AA , it says to resign from the debating society ...so i usually stay away from controversial subjects. I've learned about change in AA and then in '99 I got my first computer and i was l8 years stark raving sober, due to my husband relapsing and having an affair after being clean and sober for 15 years.

I had a nervous breakdown but stayed sober because I started attented meetings online...my panic/anxiety disorder did not allow me out of the house and i hated being around crowds...would bring on a panic attack.

So I went to f2f meetings for the first l8 years of my recovery and would trade them for anything. However, circumstances changed in my life, due to mental and physical health which made it impossible for me to continue with f2f meetings. So, ever since '99, I have attended meetings online. Also, Alanon is not very strong in this area...and I got to know alot of alanons online. Thank God they were there for me when the crisis hit because it was at l8 years sober that i first joined alanon online.

Had it not been for online contact, I probably would have gotten drunk and died, in my case, due to physical problems from booze.

Now, i find at online meetings, I pay more attention to what is being said and read it over a second and third time ....instead of being distracted at f2f meetings with people getting up for coffee and coming in the meetings late and watching the door aas to who comes in or goes out...it's quite distracting and I miss what the speaker is saying alot of the time.

Also, many people in the audience have their own distracting conversations....I have also been to AA meetings where physical fights have broken out.

So for those reasons, online meetings eliminates all that distraction and i feel safe in my own home. If any of you haven't been to any types of those meetings, I'm glad for you. But when it does happen....everyone's nerves are ripped apart, and it doesn't have to happen often...just once and it's all over AA and then people don't want to go to that meeting anymore.

Well, I'm rambling so just to be quite clear, I definitely prefer online meetings....and phone calls to all of you that i know from the meetings online. And that is what works for me, and I respect what works for everyone else.

So knock yourself out everybody and keep on doing what is working for YOU...how you stay sober or recovering is none of my business...I have to keep the focus on me.

Also wanted to add one thing. Sobriety to me, means i'm sober physically, mentally and spiritually. Serenity to me means peace of conscience. It is humanly impossible to have peace of mind most of the time, but as long as i practice the 12 steps daily, don't drink, go to meetings, keep in touch with sponsor, pray, meditate, read recovery material, I can have peace of conscience mostly all of the time...even when things are chaotic or hard.

Love ya all,

[dordep]

it's me again,

Sorry! In my last post in this thread I meant to say I WOULD NOT trade my l8 years of f2f meetings for anything...duh...got some brain damage here from da booze..please forgive me. roflmao...

love ya all and that's the truth,

[Caressa2]

They look like angels to me Dorrie, not God's Cods!!!