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Post by lildee on Mar 10, 2005 8:21:32 GMT -5
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over (drugs, alcohol, sex, women, men, food and so on)...that our lives had become unmanageable.
What I would like to discuss about this step is the unmanageability. Just how insane did you get because you thought you had some control in your life? And what actions did you take to change the craziness?
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Post by lildee on Mar 10, 2005 9:23:31 GMT -5
Ah yes the unmanageability and insanity of it all.
I guess by some peoples' standards I was pretty sane, but for me, my world was coming apart at the seams.
No, I never drove my addict to cop his drugs, nor did I ever have to bail him out of jail, but life was chaos anyway.
I did try to fix, mend and tend to the addict. I enabled him to continue with his obssession. I manipulated him into rehab, I let him squander money to no extreme and that is just the surface insanity.
On a daily basis my life was filled with fear, pain, and resentment. My dependence on him, was becoming more and and obvious as the addict became deeper involved with his drug of choice and could barely function in the world of reality.
Simple tasks were left undone. The trash piled up the wall. The windows were left with a couple of years crud on them. Checks needed to be written. Paperwork piled up on the counter. Plumbing and painting needed to be done.
I took over the burdens of running a household, rearing two children, managing finances, dealing with lawyers and pretty much everything that makes this world tick.
I was stressed out !!! My world was caving in and there was no where to turn. Parents were dead, friends shunned the thought. I was alone and afraid.
I was just beginning to come into recovery. Things were still pretty crazy. I remember needing to write a check out for one of my girl's lunch money. One check, two checks .... I was at a point where I couldn't even write a simple check. A sad statement for someone who was a full charge bookkeeper at one time. That is when I actually took my first step. I surrendered. "God I can't do this alone, help me!" I screamed at the ceiling. God gave me an option pronto. Use cash instead of a check. That was nearly two years ago.
A lot has change since then. The addict got into CA (Cocaine Anonymous), and after several relapses, he has cleaned up his act.
For me I have changed too. I have grown in immeasurable ways. God is back in my life filling a void that I had. Showing me how to live like a human being instead of a crazy insane nut.
I have learned to become more dependent on myself for the things that I need, instead of relying on an addict and his twisted thinking. Now I think for myself. And when I am not sure I go to God for guidance.
The enabling has been cut down to a minimum. When I see myself falling into that trap I have the strength now to say something about it or change my actions.
The fear, lonliness, anger, and resentments have been removed.
Peace and serenity now fill my world, albeit there are days when Murphy's Law comes into play, but even those days seem more peaceful. My life now is a lot more manageable and sane. And I owe it all to God, Al-anon and the 12 Steps. May you all find your little corner of heaven on earth.
Love & God Bless Arlene
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Post by caressa on Mar 10, 2005 13:16:34 GMT -5
Dear Lildlee,
Thanks for sharing. This is the topic of discussion at tonights meeting.
Love Always,
Jo
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Post by ksilverman60 on Mar 26, 2005 8:25:24 GMT -5
Hi My name is Kelly and I just read your post and it was like reading my life story for the past 20 years.My brother Mike,is an addict.His drugs of choice are crack,cocaine,and heroin.In Jan. he was arrested due to several grand jury indictments that were served on him all pertaining to drug possession,selling to an undercover officer,and numerous other charges.He has lost a leg to drug,he has been HIV positive for the past 16 years,and he also has Hepititus C.For years I tried to help him by putting him in rehab,making excuses for him,and being an enabler.I found out last week that addiction is an illness just as my husband diabetes is an illness.My brother is also bipolar and I thought that by being bipolar that automatically made him an addict.When my brother was arrested this past Jan.I went into the usual overdrive of trying to help him,save him,and protect him.But this time my hands were tied.I got so stressed out that I ended up in the hospital for a week.My brother has 8 charges against him and 6 of them are felonies.At this time he is being kept in the prison ward of the hospital because he can make his artifical hip go out on purpose and the medical unit of the jail got fed up of having to take him to the local hospital and each time there would be an operation to put the hip back in and my brother would do this just so he could get pain medication.Mike was selling his oxycontin all the time before he was arrested.Since he is in the prison ward he cannot make or receive phone calls and the same goes for mail.My emotions are up and down all the time.One minute I am glad that he finally got caught and other times my heart goes out to him and I will feel sorry for him and want to do anything to make his problems go away.I am so frightened for my brother.Whenever I try to talk to family or friends they say Mike got what he deserves and that I am crazy for feeling the way I do towards him.Everybody says good ridance.We have Nar-Anon meetings in my town but they are at a time where I do not have access to transportation to the meeting and it is about 20 miles from my house.The moderator said to me that she may stop having the meetings because nobody comes to the meetings.So,I rely on my computer for all the help and information I can get.I am on a limited income and do not have medical insurance to pay for all of my medications so I cannot get any of the books or materials at this time that I want to read.I want to take control of my life again and not let my brother's life and problems drag me down ever again.If you have any advice or resources that may help me I am open to anything.Thank you for everything
Kelly
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Post by lildee on Mar 28, 2005 7:19:12 GMT -5
Hi Kelly and welcome to our site,
Sorry not to answer you earlier, tied up withthe holidays and a bum tooth.
Living with or caring for someone who is an addict is akin to being on a rollercoaster. The best you can do for yourself is take care of you. We have a slogan called the 3 C's. You didn't cause the addition, You can't control it, and lastly you can't cure it. We learn to live with those who have addictions through many tools in a 12 Step program. Such as taking care of ourselves, having our needs met, detaching with love, praying and meditating. There is little that you can do to change your brother. The willingness to quit must come from within himself. All you can do is work on your own program and find out about yourself and your feelings towards this disease and having accepted that life becomes more manageable.
We have meetings here online (check the schedule) and you are always welcome to post on the boards.
Love & God Bless Arlene
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Post by caressa on Mar 28, 2005 8:00:57 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing Kelly. The sad part about this program is that many need it, but it doesn't work unless you want it.
You have to be willing to recover and to do the do things to maintain your sobriety (soundness of mind).
Please do keep coming, you are not alone.
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Post by ksilverman60 on Mar 30, 2005 6:51:34 GMT -5
Hello--This is Kelly again.I am writing to thank those of you who answered my post.Your responses have helped me in many ways and also alot of food for thought.I knew that my brother Mike had a trial coming up today for 3 felony charges pertaining to grand jury indictments.So,yesterday I called his lawyer and left a message for him to call me.Then I called the prosecutor to speak with him.I wanted an idea about what kind of deal he may make to my brother and how much time he may have to serve.He said he did not know.When Mike's lawyer called me back he said that he will be asking for a continuance today because he did not know that the local jail had sent my brother to a hospital with a prison unit.I had told his secretary many times that I knew my brother was not being kept at the jail.Anyway,my brothers lawyer did not seem to know that my brother had a trial coming up today.That was hard for me to believe.Anyway,Mike's lawyer said that as we talked Mike was being transported to our town.Each day for the past month I have called the jail to see if my brother could have visitors and each day I have been told no.I knew that he was being kept at a hospital but they would not tell me anything.Now that I know my brother is in town at the jail he cannot have visitors for the next 72 hours.The inmates are automatically put into solitary for the first 72 hours and then are classified for population.Since my brother was arrested a month ago my phone number was changed to an unlisted number and I have no way of getting it to my brother.The reason I changed my # is that I was mistakenly given the same # as one of our local high schools.
The reason Mike is being kept at a hospital prison unit is that he can make his artifical hip go out on purpose so he can be taken to our local hospital for pain meds.It takes 3 guards to transport my brother so he was transferred to a hospital out of town that has the prison unit.
Am I being co-dependent again,even by calling Mike's lawyer and the prosecutor yesterday.About a month ago the stress got to me so badly that I was in the hospital for a week.Do I just detach myself for now until I know he is at the penitentary?I do not know if he will be sent back to the hospital after his court appearance today.Right now he cannot make or receive phone calls and the same goes for visitors.If he does go back to the hospital I do not know where to send a letter.If I send it to our local jail they told me he will not get it until he comes back to the jail.
I feel so confused at times.I have come to realize in the past couple of weeks that no matter what I did for Mike through the years he had to want to help himself and he obviously did not want to.I thought when his leg had to be amputated due to drugs that that would have been his wake up call to quit.I have recently learned that addiction is an illness.I thought he just enjoyed the high and was thinking only of himself.I have to learn and realize that I cannot be co-dependent or an enabler any more.
I am open to any advice or help that any of you may have for me.I pray to God but I feel like he is not hearing me.I do not want to lose faith.Thank you for everything.
Kelly
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Post by Lin on Mar 30, 2005 8:12:28 GMT -5
Welcome back KellY!
Are you being co-dependent for calling his lawyers? Ask yourself if it makes you crazy to call them and hear what hey have to say. If it does, you probably are. if it reassures you that you have nothi8ng to worry about, then you are not. (jsut my opinion)
When our loved ones keep diong what they are diong no matter how low their lives have sank, it's TOUGH TO WTCH. The only way I could gain any sanily was not to watch it. I detached. I put the worry out of my mind. I put my loved ones in GOD'S hands. And i prayed GOD woyuld whisper to them jsut what they needed to hear and give them just what they needed today. For me that was all I could do and it worked. letting go of that need to FIX it...to make it better...to make it easier on them was a HUGE change for me and it was such a freeing thing for me to do. It was not a cold and uncaring action like it appears the rest of the family is doing in your eyes. They are dealing how they can without being sucked into his craziness. Right now he's right where he neds to be. As long as he pops his hip out for the pain meds, you cant do a thing. As long as he's where you can't talk to him, then you need to spend that time getting better yourself. Then when he's ABLE to ahve visitors you can go and give him your new number and tell him you love him and are praying forhim. Tell him when he gets his act together you will be there for him. Then GO HOME and get better yourself.
You do have control over your own attitude. as long as it is that he's in trouble and sis needs to fix it, YOU will be sick. You will be crazy. YOUR LIFe will be unmanageable. if your attitude is "he is right where he needs to be today" then you can relax.
It's not easy. But with practice and patience it is POSSIBLE.
Please come to the AlAnon meeting on Friday nigth. I am the moderator. 8 PM eastern, 7 central and 5 pacific. It's in the SIGMA CHAT ROOM...(there are 2 chatrooms here.)
{{{{{hugs}}}}} LIN
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Post by ksilverman60 on Apr 7, 2005 3:03:46 GMT -5
Dear Lin I want to thank you for the beautiful and kind response.I have been away from the computer for awhile.Today is Thu. 4/7/05 and tomorrow is a meeting which I am going to try to attend.As long as I can get my little girl away from the computer.I think the meeting will help me alot.I now have a sponsor that I met over another website and she has been helping me with the 12 step program with Al-Anon.I need to go to some face to face meetings.That will be to my benefit.I called the Watch Commander of the jail,which is like the warden of a jail,and I gave her my new phone number and she was kind enough to tell me she would give it to my brother.So far,no phone call from Mike.I have done all I can and now the ball is in his court.If he chooses not to call me well I have to accept it and go on.I cannot live my life for him.
I thank you again for your kind words and I hope to see you tomorrow night.
Kelly
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Post by Lin on Apr 7, 2005 4:47:30 GMT -5
you are very welcome Kelly.
I do hope you can join us. It;'s it eh sigma chat room at 8 eastern, 7 central and 5 pacific. I'm glad you ahve a sponsor and have checked into local meetings also.
Hope to see you soon,.
LIN
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Post by ksilverman60 on Apr 7, 2005 8:01:52 GMT -5
How do you get to the sigma chat room?
Kelly
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Post by lildee on Apr 8, 2005 22:56:05 GMT -5
Hi kelly , There are a couple of ways to get into the chat room. On the main message board page there is a section called "news" near the top of the page. It scrolls different messages. One of those messages is the addy for the Sigma chat room. Click on it and it will bring you to the chat room. Another way is from our home page the addy is : 64.176.15.93/From this page you can go to the Sigma chat room , the old chat room, or the message boards or check the schedule. Or the last way to get into the chat room is more direct, this is the addy for the chat room:- click on ths link and it will take you there, just put in any bogus name and join us. 64.176.15.93/sigmachat.htmlLove & God Bless Arlene
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tam
Newest Family Member
Posts: 1
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Post by tam on Jun 7, 2005 12:20:32 GMT -5
Hi all! My name is Tammy and I have some issues that I feel I am ready to address. I know I am codependent and that in itself almost killed me. I attended local meetings for a while but the entire concept of meetings are still a like frightening to me.
I was left by my husband 9 months ago. We both drank WAY too much however I thought I was "better" than him since I never drank and drove where he did all the time. I also could drink my couple and stop--not him. Now I am trying to take personal inventory of only myself but he is a lot of the issues also although I have only spoken with him 4x in the past 9 months and we have had no closure to the end of my marriage.
I have found myself drinking every single night, sometimes with friends and sometimes alone. I am just sick and tired on being so dependent on a beer or thingytail. I have not had a drink in almost 48 hrs and last night was horrible. I tossed and turned and got about 3 hrs total sleep. I feel so twisted that I could spin out of control if someone touched me wrong. How long until my body feels better? I know my mind will continuely have to be worked on but I think once my body is better, I will be able to see clearer.
Thanks for listening.
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Post by caressa on Jun 7, 2005 16:13:41 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing. Congratulations on 48 hours. One of the reasons meetings are suggested is that you don't have to go through withdrawal and change all by yourself. Support is there when you reach out. I can identify with you, I lived my life through others for so many years. It was my life was on hold, suspension until the rest of the world went by. There never seems to be a right time to move forward if you wait. I waited in an abusive marriage for seven years, three of those waiting for a way to get out. When I made the decision to leave, I had 50 cents in my wallet and no food in the cupboards. He complained when I bought groceries for my son, it was beer money. I didn't think I had the problem, as far as I could see, he was the problem. He ended up being the solution because when I finally got honest, I had no one to point the finger at, I was all alone, very much addicted to pills, booze, men and couldn't get out of my bed and the four walls that I lived in.
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Post by caressa on Apr 3, 2011 11:21:10 GMT -5
A good reread!
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Post by majestyjo on Jan 1, 2016 11:26:14 GMT -5
It is always good to get back to basics. The basics for me is Step One. I am powerless over alcohol (people, places,, and things). To think that I am in control is an illusion. The second part means that my life is unmanageable when managed by me. No more robbing Peter to pay Paul and a willingness to ask for help and do what ever it takes to stay clean and sober.
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Post by majestyjo on Feb 2, 2020 22:09:35 GMT -5
We have to continue working on our emotional sobriety. Without staying clean I can't achieve the soundness of mind needed for my recovery. My life is unmanageable when managed by. Me.
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Post by majestyjo on May 20, 2020 1:12:12 GMT -5
So grateful that the Steps are applicable to all areas of my life.
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