Honestly, I'm Crying for help

[zkpr]

17 1/2 years we have been married and we have raised six children. Two children she brought into the marriage and four we had together. Our kids ages range from 12 to 20 years old.

She told me three days after we met she was an alcholic. She later even followed up with several books where she had taken lots of notes all leading to getting her life together. She added information about loosing she oldest son when she left him to go on a binge for five hours and left the six month old with a stranger at a McDonalds in loveland, Colorado. She stated how she had worked so hard to get him back so off into this "new" world we went together.

Very seldom did we ever drink. I can go into a club and it never bothered me to just drink a soda pop. She would begain with a beer and pretty soon after two or three we would leave. She always wanted more and she would regret it the next morning.

Now, December 31, 2004, after she goes to work, she tells me she's not coming home. Next, I find out she's drinking again and for sure, running around.

I try to explain to our kids she has an uncontrolable problem. I told the kids to look up the Ala-teen online because I am not really qualified to answer all the questions. I am trying to not say things to the kids I'll regret later. Its really hard.

I do not know what to say to her anymore either. I sought out this site in hopes that prehaps someone will say the one thing that might help. We get along with each other. What do I do?

I blame the disease. Unfortunatly, blame never cured anything. Believe it or not, I suppose I am the stupidest person in the world because it took me totally by surprise. So, I know I have my own faults, too.

Please help if you can.

[Lin]

You are correct. Blaming anybody of anyting does not help. But understanding the nature and the power this disease has onthose it consumes does help.

PLEASE get to some alanon meetings and try to get your children to alateen. Read what you can about the disease and it will help you unerstand her actions and why she can walk away from her family and choose the bottle.

Alcoholism is cunning, baffling and VERY powerful. It controls the every word and action and thought of the one it has control over. And those around them try to ehlp them see what woudl help, try to cover up for them, drive ourselves nuts trying tofigure them out. Their disease has so many efects on us. It makes us behave is very unyhealthy ways.

AlAnon can help you se that you did nto cause it, cant control it and can't cure it. The only person you can change is yourself. You can change your own ways of acting and reacting. You can change how you allow her actions to make you feel. About the only thing you can do her the alcoholic when she is actively using is pray for her and support her when she seeks help. You can actually detach from her actions and accept her actions as the effects of her disease. She is sick. You are right there. You can love your kids and let them know you will never leave them and will always stand by them. If they are old enough you may have the option of school counselors for them..

Friday night's here I chair an alanon meeting at 8 PM eastern, 7 central and 5 pacific,. You are welcome to start with that one, but i do urge you to sek out a local one also and GO. on the home page you click on sigma chat room. You dont need a password to enter chat, but you may need some java upgrade if your computer is very old.

You are not alone in your frustrations. Most of us have had them.

{{{hugs}}}
LIN

[lildee]

Dearest zkpr,

Welcome to our site. Many of the things you mention in your story are my story. I have been married almost 25 years and we have two children together. 13 & 16 both girls. On the surface we look like the typical american family minus the dog. I am not going to lie to you and say go to this meeting or that meeting. Addiction/alcoholism is a devasting disease. It is not pretty whether they are active or not. It affects everyone in the family, from the adults to the smallest child, as I am finding out now, as my youngest just went through a mental meltdown from all of this nonsense. My "A" has been clean now for 18 months. But the underlying problems for his addiction still remain. Fear..... fear of self, fear of being human, fear of loving. How do I deal with it all? Detach. I seperate from all the nonsense usually with love and care but at this stage of my recovery there are times I detach with anger. Sure meetings and readings will help in the sense that you can gain knowledge about the disease and learn how to use the tools of the program. But the biggest tools you probably have... a connection to God, or a Higher Power guiding your life. Prayer and meditation will ease your mind.

I am not going to tell you to leave, that is a choice that you must make on your own. I decided to stay. Hoping that the man I married would once again return to me in some sane fashion. It has been a long hard journey. But the greatest things that I have gotten from all of this is my connection back to God, my own sense of strength and what my capabilities are, and a renewed sense of life, and a tame sense of peace and serenity. There is nothing in my power to change the addict/alcoholic that is his choice how he wants to live, but I do have the power to change myself and my attitudes. Do I want to be happy? Do I want peace? These are choices that I make. That is what this program is all about . You and what you want. You will not cure or fix the alcoholic/addict. You only have control over your own destiny. I wish you good luck on your journey into recovery.

Love & God Bless
Arlene

[zkpr]

Dear Arlene,

Thanks so much for sharing with me. My wife and I have been split up since December 31, 2004 and I really do not want to get back together.

This morning, at 6:30, as I woke up one of my best friends and his wife showed up at my doorstep. They live thirty miles from here. It seems they recieved a phone call at 5:28 a.m. and he was asked to bring her home. She has her own place here in town and she is welcome to it.

My problems involve trying to deal with the kids through all of this. Evidently, she is about to lose her electric. She has already lost her telephone. I refuse to give her any money as it would only serve to add to the problem.

From what I know she called in sick to work yesterday and it happened to be her day off. She was supposed to be at work this morning at 5:30 so since she was still 30 miles away and totally stranded she called in again today. Looks to me like she is going to loose her job and that will be a major problem since we live in a small town.

Your letter showed much compassion and I appreciate it. I still seem to have more questions than answers.

[zkpr]

Dear Lin,

Thanks for your words of encouragement. It makes me feel like this big, cold, lonely world just got a little smaller and warmer.

I looked for direction and was basically told to hang in there. I will try to do as you suggest and make a meeting. I do realize the disease is more than I can handle in her.

Thanks again,

zkpr

[Lin]

ZKPH...jsut knowing i was not alone in my feelings and what I was dealing with helped me. Just knwoing others around the tables had similar experiences and seemed to have a peace about them that i wanted. Those things helped me keep going back. And the changes i made in my own actions and attitudes helped me get better.

We share what worked for us. Like lildee i did nto leave mine. It was not easy to watch him slowly killing himself, but I made it through and ont he other side I can look back and see how much strength and courage i now have for even surviving it all.

This is an ugly disease. it rips families apart. you owe it to your kids to get healthy so they can have one dependable parent. Until your wife sees what she is giving up and until she hurts bad enough, she won't stop. Nothing we do can make that happen faster. All the naggin and crying and pleading i did over the years jsut gave mine another excuse to drink. (who wouldn't drink with such a b**** at home?)

Glad you found us. The meting i chair is tonight. It's on the sigma chat room at 8 PM eastern. I'm about to pick a topic and post it. I hope you can make it.

LIN