Step One Discussion

[caressa]

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/alcoholics-that our lives had become unmanageable.

As I have grown in the program, I have come to realize that my powerlessness is over many things, not just alcohol, but my self-admitted alcoholic son, my habits, my thought patterns, and life as a whole.

I am not the power; although for many years' I thought I was. What I have come to find out is that when I surrender, turn it over and ask for help, then I am 'empowered' to do what I need to do for myself.

The problem is but symptom of my disease, often it is my thinking along with my actions, that I need to change.

Part of what kept me from doing this Step 100% was my denial. Assuming I had the power to change or that I was in control. Control is an illusion which only keeps me sick.

During the next week I invite you all to share on what this Step has meant to you in your recovery, how you apply it to your life. How you apply this Step into your life today and share how it was in 'yesteryear' for the newcomers on the board.

Topics and spiritual principles which apply to this Step:

- powerlessness
-unmanageability
-honesty
-surrender
-acceptance
-control
- denial

[Lin]

step one in the ala-non book version said powerless over "alcohol". (not alcoholics) But it also translates to that. One i admitted i truly WAS powerless over other people, place, and things, I was able to work on changing my life for the better.

We have something in ala-non called the "3C's". I didn't CAUSE it, can't CONTROL it, and can't CURE it. That was an eye-opener and a relief to me. It helped me see that the actions of another person are not a reflection on me. And the sooner i let go trying to manipulate and control the situation, the better i felt. I also had more time to work on myself. Trying to CURe them was total out of my power. Dragging him drunk to an AA meeting...i bet they laughed every time we did that.

I can only change what has happened to the alcoholics in my life and to me as a result of loving them and being around them...is the way I choose to look at it. If i look at it as poor me...why am I treated this way? why do i have to live like this? I will be miserable and never heal. If instead I look at my life with a little gratitude...finding good in all people and situations...finding their disease being the cause of their actions, not something they did to aggravate me. Looking to the goo things that have happened in my life..i will be much happier. I can still love them. I can still be around them. But i can also find happiness.

Once i learned that my HP really had NOT abandoned me, and allowed the god of my understanding back in my life....it helped a whole lot.

The oxymoron of this step is...admitting i was powerless actually gave me more POWEr. But this power was over my own actions and attitudes.

LIN

[caressa]

This Step was the beginning of a new life and a new awareness for me. I often think they put the '-' into this Step because there isn't enough space to list all the things that I am powerless over, and all the things that I used to search for that something outside of myself to make me happy, content, and regain 'control' of my life.

I had no concept of the word 'powerless' until I substituted it for the word control. When I looked back on my life I realized that it was all an illusion. No matter how much I tried to control my drinking, there was always more. I could stop, but I couldn't stay stopped. When I picked up, I wasn't sure how much picking I would end up doing or where it would take me or what would happen.

Everytime I picked up, I gave away a piece of me. My self-will, my self-esteem, my self-respect, etc. I lost my values, my principles and my determination, everything went out the window, my life was always centered around the alcohol or the alcoholic. The person (son, father, mother, husbands, boyfriends, neighbors, sponsees, friends and family memembers), place (my bed, the bar, the Legion, the kitchen, the stores, the work place, the church, the gym, etc.), and things (drugs (prescription and street), alcohol (a drug too), computer, cards, food, and more.... took over my life and my thinking, and governed my thoughts.

I become obsessive compulsive, and when I have a taste be it thought, physical and emotionally, I always want more, unless I surrender the situation over to the God of my understanding. When I came in, I didn't have much concept of letting go, let alone a belife in God which was to follow as a result of working the Steps.

The first five Stpes of change for me are:

Awareness of my problem (challenge)
Admittance of that problem
Acceptance of the problem
Action to change the problem
Attitude adjustment that I am "powerless" and my life is unmanageable or I need to change my attitude so I can take action to bring about change.

My sponsor told me that the word problem is negative and that if I use the word challenge, it could be overcome. The substance isn't the problem, I am. It is about changing me and my attitude to bring about change.

P. 569 (Third Edition) Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous

[caressa]

Dear Lin,

I am aware of the fact that alcohol is in the Al-Anon's Twelve and Twelve, I changed the wording so others could identify.

There is a difference that some people don't recognize. l) That once the alcoholic has picked up, he is no longer in control and is acting out in his disese.
2) That even though he is not actively using, he is still under the influence and has the thinking patterns unless he has experienced the spiritual changes in his life.
3) That alcohol is a killer and no respector of persons and it is a disease that affects the whole family.

I only saw my father drunk twice. Once when I was eight years old and again when I was fourteen, yet his disease affected my whole life. I didn't know he was an alcoholic until my mother died when I was twenty, and he no longer had to hide his drinking.

My 'isms' came from my mother, my father was never there, so how could he have passed much onto me. It was my mother's use of food and her 'bed' (isolation) that affect my thinking and actions. I never had a sit down conversaton with my father until I was twenty-six years old; then I made the decision to become his drinking buddy.

[caressa]

My sponsor told me that I could only do the first half of the first Step 100% and it needed to be 100% or I would pick up again. If I didn't have the honesty and acceptance of my disease and the willingness to surrender it to the program, then I would not stay clean and sober (soundness of mind).

This has been a big truth for me. When I get caught up in life, my life can again become unmanageable. It isn't the drinking and drugging, I have been clean for 13 years, 9 months, and 11 days; it is my thinking, my actions, my attitude that can slip into old behaviors and I can find myself with unmanageability. A friendship gone astray, a relationship broken, a job gone, a bill that has accumulated, etc. which can take me back into the obsessive compulsiveness of active addiction.

I firmly believe we slip (you can only slip if you have something to lose) into these old ways because we have had lapses long before we pick up. Like stopping going to meetings (need to go for attitude adjustments), picking up the phone (isolation is unhealthy, me alone with me tells me I am just 'fine'), and no spirutal connection of the fellowship leaves me without the "good orderly direction" that I need to stay clean and sober. This is a program of reflection. I was told that for every finger I pointed at someone else, I had three coming back at me. When I become judgmental, and think I know and start looking at others, then my own life is unmanageable, because 3 pointers lead to 12 issues of my own that I need to deal with. After awhile, I get tired I don't know about you, but this happened to me at 7 years sober when I got into a relationship in recovery for the first time. It got so bad that I was willing to count the pieces of toilet paper that he used on each roll in my apartment and charge him accordingly for rent on the use of my chair, my TV, my time and energies for cooking his meals (he said he liked sitting down in my restaurant).

In today, I can look back and laugh at myself. Believe me it was not a healthy place to be.

Thank you for letting me share.

[caressa]

Honesty was a biggy for me. I thought I got honest first, and realized it was what came last to me.

I was cash register honest mainly because of the spiritual principles taught to me growing up and for the most part when it came to monetary things.

When I got true honesty, I realized that I stole time, affection, ideas, and was very selfish and self-centered. It was all about me and what I wanted.

I had to get honest about my own disease. Not my father's, my mother's, my husband's, my son's, my friends and coworkers, but be honest about me.

I lived my life through other people. I had a lot of sick people in my life that I tried to help and find acceptance through because of my own low self-worth and self-esteem. I was always looking for validation and affirmation from others and unable to honestly like myself. I was so busy caretaking others that I didn't have time for me. I didn't know how to give to me and didn't think I was worthy and deserving of respect.

I not only found courage and fortitude in the bottle and pills but through people. I think the using of people caused more hurt than that when I was drinking. When I was drinking, there was always the bottle, but it took me to other people and I always wanted to belong and be a part of. This is the nice part of finding recovery, I finally found like I had come home and truly belonged, not feeling like I was on the outside looking in and not participating in my own life.

How many times I was told to 'do' and 'did' whether I wanted to or not. I had to get honest and find out what I truly liked, loved, accepted, and believed in not what my spouses, my son, my parents, my clergy, my friends, my co-workers, etc. told me was truth. I had to find my own. I no longer had to say, "How high?" when I was told to jump. I was able to get honest and say, "Do I realy want to jump?"

I am powerless, when I give up my power. Until I could get truly honest, I didn't know that I couldn't make anyone do anything, I didn't know that I wasn't responsible for other people's actions, I didn't know that I could say "No!"

[caressa]

My immediate thought when I see 'surrender' is "No Never!" And so it should be, I should never give up, what I need to do is give over.

Surrender to win! When I give up the power by saying, "God I can't do this any more, I need your help!" I am empowered to do what I need to do for myself. God doesn't do for me what I can do for myself. The best part is that when I turn it over to Him, He gives me the courage, the strength, the willingness (sometimes I have to pray for the willingness to be willing), the guidance, the motivation and encouragement for me to move on and make changes in my life. When life is the same old, same old, there is a very good chance that I am not growing in the fellowship of the Spirit and if I get really honest, there have been some doors have opened and I was too caught up in self to walk through. I was not willing to take a risk and get out of the old enemy complacency and instead of surrendering each day daily, I just give over what is comfortable for me.

Like the old pair of running shoes I like talking about. They are just so comfortable and seem to just fit my feet, yet they do look a little shabby and worse for wear. When I give in and buy a new pair, the new ones are stiff and not very pliable in the moment, feel awkward and strange and often I develop a blister or two. Yet in the long run, they become comfortable, they look good and I start feeling better and able to handle life as it comes much better. I can walk taller, walk faster, and walk proud.

[caressa]

Acceptance is the key to Serenity. The answer to all chaos and when I can accept that things are as they should be in the moment, then I can live a much more peaceful life.

I didn't think I was an alcoholic because I compared instead of indentifying. I didn't pass out, and I could walk a straight line, and I didn't have black outs, and I didn't drink beer (didn't like the taste), and then I asked myself, if I am not an alcoholic, what am I? As I went to meetings, I stayed sober and I opened my mind and listened and slowly but surely, I recognized old thinking and action patterns. I was glad that I went to AA first before I went to Adult Children of Alcoholics because I would have stayed in my denial longer and continued to play the blame game. It was always someone or something else that I blamed for my problems instead of taking responsibility for myself and my choices.

I had a lot of high expectations which stood in the way of my total acceptance of my disease. A lot of them were projected onto me, and when I couldn't live up to them, which was often because they were so high, I used. I always felt less than and thought I was a failure and the lowest of the low and figured that God didn't accept me. Like everything else, it had to come from within me. Today I am grateful to be an alcoholic because it led me to the 12 Steps of recovery.

I learned to accept the fact that I couldn't handle life and that I used people, places and things to validate me, to give me courage, to help me escape my reality and when I focused on something or someone else then I didn't have to look at me.

When I accept that nothing happens in the world by mistake, I can be at peace. As a friend use to say, "That's not odd, that's God." I had to go through what I had to go through to get to the doors of recovery and once there, I could share my experience, strength and hope with others. I have a story to tell, and to keep my sobriety, to continue to grow, I must share it. What is important is that I have something to give, and in order to obtain that I had to work the Step and continue to work them as I grew in awareness because life is forever changing.

I needed to accept the fact that my disease is in remission one day at a time, and when I stop doing the do things, it will make itself known to me. I will always be an alcoholic, and can't drink safely. This is a progressive disease and it is really scarey to think what would happen to me if I picked up after 13 years and where I would end up. I have no doubt that I would die.

[lildee]

We admitted we were powerless over (fill in the blank) that our lives had become unmanageable.

There is a lesson that I learned a long time ago, when I was still in school. Learning the meaning of the words lets you understand and incorporate this knowledge.

The first word that I would like to look at in this Step is Power.

As defined by Webster's Dictionary

2 a : possession of control, authority, or influence over others

Well when I got real honest and looked at my world and my part in it , I realized that a really had no power, control, or authority neither over the addict in my life or just about anything else in my life. I could not change anything nor predict the outcome of anything. That was all truly in the hands of a superior being whom I choose to call God. That does not mean that I didn't try to change things or influence them or even manipulate them as to my liking. It was not until I really understood how powerless I really am that my world started to get better. I didn't have to force situations, I didn't have to run the show, I could put my faith in God and let Him do His job.

The next word that I would like to examine is - unmanageable. To understand what unmanageable is we must first look at the antonym manage.
Which is defined by Webster's as:-

1 : to handle or direct with a degree of skill: as a : to make and keep compliant ( b) : to treat with care : (c) : to exercise executive, administrative, and supervisory direction of

Well with the prefix of "un" meaning not or the negative, I knew I was not able to handle the situation with any degree of skill, nor to make the addict compliant, or to treat anything with care.

Ouch that last one hurt. Treating anything with care. I always viewed myself as a caring loving person. Caring for an Alanoner means backing off the addict/alcoholic and letting his HP run the show. It meant for me learning how to detach with love not control or manipulation. It meant I was going to give up my imagined power ! Whoa that is a big step. But it is with taking that step that I gained control. Control of myself, and my emotions that had run a muck.

My unmanageability became clearly obvious as the chaos swirled around me.

It was a school day and I had to get the children up and ready for school and so on. I had to write out a check for lunch money for one of the girls. I sat with the checkbook in my hand , trying one after another to write out the check... to no avail. Each one I wrote had an error on it and had to be voided. Finally I gave her cash. For someone who was at one time a bookkeeper this was a big smack in the face. That I couldn't preform such a simple task. But God was knocking on my door telling me to wake up. That is when I learned just how unmanageable and chaotic my world had become.

Learning just how powerless and unmanageable my world had become changed my attitude. It showed me that I needed help. Help from a power that is stronger than myself. Help from one that has the necessary wisdom to guide me. Now I was ready for the next Step.

Came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

[caressa]

Control is what I call the "C" word. Not only because it is part of the three "Cs" but because I couldn't comprehend the word powerlessness until I substituted this word.

All my life I tried to control, to be in control, and all my life no matter what I did, I got hurt anyway.

Control is an illusion. The one it hurts the most is me, yet like my days of using, it hurts those around me. My intentions were good, I thought my motives were good, I didn't know I was trying to play God with other people's lives, including my own.

I tried controlled drinking for many years. It didn't work. Even if I didn't have more, I always thought more, and I was never at peace. In my relationships, I was always looking for love and attention, and there just never seemed to be enough. Today I know that what ever I took, it couldn't have possibly filled up the emptiness within me. I was empty, with no self-love and all I took fell on fallow ground.

When I try to control my life, it leads me back to insanity. It takes me away from God and back into active addiction. Even if I don't physically pick up my drug of choice, my thinking can go before me.

[caressa]

Denial gets in the way of my full recovery. It keeps me sick and prevents me from finding the total acceptance of my disease. Unless I can take the first half of this step 100% I open myself to relapse.

Many say relapse is part of recovery. Relapse is part of my disease. You have to have something in order to have laspes or slips in your thinking which takes you back drinking.

Denial allowed me to keep an open door with one foot in recovery and the option of putting the other one back to living on the edge, back to the caretaking of others and not taking care of myself, back to looking for some person, place or things to blame for my life and my decisions.

Recovery is all about me. When I deny that fact, I stay sick. It doesn't matter how many people around me are using or what they are using; it is my reaction and how I deal with these people that is the problem, unless I can find the solution. The soluton for me was the Steps. Learning how to apply them to my life. To heal, to grow, to find the real me, and not live through other people's concept, ideas, projections, identities and find my own truth.

In today, I am an addict. I used people, places and things to escape reality and to help me cope with life. One day at a time, I do get better. I am a recovering addict whose drug of choice can still be more....

[majestyjo]

Each morning I have to take this Step. I am powerless over people, places and things and my life is unmanageable when managed by me.

[caressa222]

Step One you have to take yourself. The rest we will help you with.
My life is unmanageable when managed by me.