Step 5

[lildee]

Step 5 (Taken from Al-Anon's 12 & 12)

STEP FIVE

Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Humility is the underlying thought of the Twelve Steps. The pattern was set for us by Step One: "admitted we were powerless." In Step Two we acknowledged a Power greater than ourselves; in Step Three, we relinquished control by deciding to "turn our will and our lives over" to that Power. In Step Four we faced up to our shortcomings. All this is concerned with the quality and purpose of humility.

The Step before this one started us on a continuing process of uncovering what we were really like. We learned day by day, to observe what actions might have kept us from realizing our true potential, and getting from life the serenity it could bring. We decided to do a three-fold "admitting": to God, to ourselves, and to another person.

Admitting to God-first-prepared us for the two things we had to do next: admit our shortcomings to ourselves and to another human being.

It was not a matter of informing our Higher Power of something only we knew. It was rather the effect on us of feeling that we could, in a sense, speak to our God without embarrassment or shame. This provided us with a solid base for a clear understanding of ourselves. It was this intimate communication with a Higher Power that made us feel all the more free to bring out everything that needed to come to light. In consciously telling God, we enlightened ourselves about the ways in which we wanted to change.

Our method of communicating with God depended on our personal view and our relationship to Him. Some of us might "speak" to Him in thought, perhaps visualizing Him as a kind, understanding presence, or as an impersonal Universal Spirit. No matter how we chose to communicate with God, it was essential for us to experience the feeling of surrender of our will. Then we would have prepared ourselves for unquestioning acceptance of this guidance in the days and years to come.

Step Five next asked us to admit our shortcomings to ourselves. This might not have been easy, even after we had opened our hearts to a spiritual power. It was helpful to check our Step-Four list for such character flaws as arrogance, self-justification and resentment, for these three traits may have concealed other faults.

Strict honesty and courage had helped us with this added effort.
We might not have liked what we found, but once we had admitted our imperfections to ourselves, the improving process began.

We might have been tempted to justify our hostile or indifferent feelings about others or to overlook whatever we found too painful to admit, but such evading would have surely hindered our progress. If we were really trying to isolate our major faults, we found it helpful to observe them in the way we reacted to the people in our daily lives. Such awareness could give us a clearer understanding of the causes of our failures and frustrations.

It was a good idea to undertake these self-examinations when we had been annoyed or hurt by what somebody else had done. We may have wondered why things worked out the way they did, only to find it was our own attitude or action that created the unwelcome result. Even when we were not at fault, we learned about ourselves when we became aware of our reactions and discovered what sort of situations had the power to hurt us.

When we reviewed the list of faults we made for Step Four, we found each of these related to some habit, some way we thought, acted, worked or spoke. If we were quick to resent, to imagine that others were purposely hurtful, we might have uncovered the reasons behind these thoughts by recalling actual instances in which this resentment made problems for us. If our resentment was due to unfulfilled expectations, then we needed to learn not to expect others to behave exactly as we wanted them to. If we resented what we regarded as a deliberate unkindness, we asked ourselves whom we were really hurting by feeling bitter. We realized, then, we were hurting only ourselves and not the person against whom we held a resentment.

The same thinking-through could be applied to other flaws we discovered. As we learned to understand why we reacted the way we did, we were ready for the next part of the Step and we shared the nature of our shortcomings with a friend.

Choosing a helpful, understanding Al-Anon member, someone who was really living the program, was a good idea. Usually, we did not choose a family member or a close relative-or the alcoholic. Before we decided on confiding in a member of the clergy, we took into account that trustworthiness was not the sole consideration. It was also important for our confidant to have knowledge of the program and the purpose of this Step.

Once we had decided on a dependable person, we tried to make our communication as open and honest as possible. There was much more to this than just presenting a list of our shortcomings; frank and detailed explanations were needed; how we felt about these faults, instances of how others responded to what we did, and so on. We found this telling and explaining far more natural and easy, if we were able to avoid feelings of guilt. After all, the faults we described were those we were not even aware of before we began our effort at self-improvement. We tried to refrain from passing judgment, even on ourselves.

In bringing our hidden thoughts about ourselves to another person, we were also asking for more than just to be heard. We ourselves were ready to listen to the other person's response to what we had told them. Their experience might not have been the same as ours; the interchange could only be productive and helpful if we were willing to listen with an open mind to someone else's view. We were broadened by accepting ideas that could change us for the better.

No matter how difficult we found this part of Step Five, it brought a tremendous sense of relief. It lightened our own burden to share it with another for whom it was not a burden, but an opportunity to help.

Thinking It Over

It is very comforting to know I can have a personal relationship with a Higher Power of my own choosing. Because God and I have an understanding, I am free to bring my shortcomings to this Spiritual Friend.

When I admit my imperfections to myself, I give myself a chance to make room for new attitudes and directions. My willingness to look beyond my defensive view, or my real or imagined hurts, gives me release from the job of carrying them around. If I can search them out and look at them, I can put them down.

Learning to trust and confide in another person means ridding
myself of the prejudices I'd acquired with the disease of alcoholism. I can receive a special bonus in establishing this kind of rapport with an Al-Anon sponsor, who is able to share the recovery tools of the program when I share my feelings. I can use what I have learned to sponsorothers. My sponsor listened, just listened. What relief it gave me to unburden myself and what a sense of freedom I felt. I will try to share my experiences without suggesting solutions for others.

[caressa]

Step Five

"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."


All of A.A.'s Twelve Steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires . . . they all deflate our egos. When it comes to ego deflation, few Steps are harder to take than Five. But scarcely any Step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind than this one.

A.A. experience has taught us we cannot live alone with our pressing problems and the character defects which cause or aggravate them. If we have swept the searchlight of Step Four back and forth over our careers, and it has revealed in stark relief those experiences we'd rather not remember, if we have come to know how wrong thinking and action have hurt us and others, then the need to quit living by ourselves with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more urgent than ever.

We have to talk to somebody about them. So intense, though, is our fear and reluctance to do this, that many A.A.'s at first try to bypass Step Five. We search for an easier way--which usually consists of the general and fairly painless admission that when drinking we were sometimes bad actors. Then, for good measure, we add dramatic descriptions of that part of our drinking behavior which our friends probably know about anyhow.

But of the things which really bother and burn us, we say nothing. Certain distressing or humiliating memories, we tell ourselves, ought not be shared with anyone. These will remain our secret. Not a soul must ever know. We hope they'll go to the grave with us.

Yet if A.A.'s experience means anything at all, this is not only unwise, but is actually a perilous resolve. Few muddled attitudes have caused us more trouble than holding back on Step Five. Some people are unable to stay sober at all; others will relapse periodically until they really clean house. Even A.A. old timers, sober for years, often pay dearly for skimping this Step. They will tell how they tried to carry the load alone; how much they suffered of irritability, anxiety, remorse, and depression; and how, unconsciously seeking relief, they would sometimes accuse even their best friends of the very character defects they themselves were trying to conceal. They always discovered that relief never came by confessing the sins of other people.

Everybody had to confess his own. This practice of admitting one's defects to another person is, of course, very ancient. It has been validated in every century, and it characterizes the lives of all spiritually centered and truly religious people. But today religion is
by no means the sole advocate of this saving principle. Psychiatrists and
psychologists point out the deep need every human being has for practical
insight and knowledge of his own personality flaws and for a discussion of them with an understanding and trustworthy person. So far as alcoholics are concerned, A.A. would go even further. Most of us would declare that without a fearless admission of our defects to another human being we could not stay sober. It seems plain that the grace of God will not enter to expel our destructive obsessions until we are willing to try this.

What are we likely to receive from Step Five? For one thing, we shall get rid of that terrible sense of isolation we've always had. Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong. Either we were shy, and dared not draw near others, or we were apt to be noisy good fellows craving attention and companionship, but never getting it--at least to our way of thinking. There was always that mysterious barrier we could neither surmount nor understand. It was as if we were actors on a stage, suddenly realizing that we did not know a single line of our parts. That's one reason we loved alcohol too well. It did let us act
extemporaneously. But even Bacchus boomeranged on us; we were finally struck down and left in terrified loneliness.

When we reached A.A., and for the first time in our lives stood among people who seemed to understand, the sense of belonging was tremendously exciting. We thought the isolation problem had been solved. But we soon discovered that while we weren't alone any more in a social sense, we still suffered many of the old pangs of anxious apartness. Until we had talked with complete candor of our conflicts, and had listened to someone else do the same thing, we still didn't belong. Step Five was the answer. It was the beginning of true kinship with man and God.

This vital Step was also the means by which we began to get the feeling that we could be forgiven, no matter what we had thought or done. Often it was while working on this Step with our sponsors or spiritual advisers that we first felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt they had wronged us.

Our moral inventory had persuaded us that all-round forgiveness was desirable, but it was only when we resolutely tackled Step Five that we inwardly knew we'd be able to receive forgiveness and give it, too.
Another great dividend we may expect from confiding our defects to another human being is humility--a word often misunderstood. To those who have made progress in A.A., it amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be. Therefore, our first practical move toward humility must consist of recognizing our deficiencies. No defect can be corrected unless we clearly see what it is.

But we shall have to do more than see. The objective look at ourselves we
achieved in Step Four was, after all, only a look. All of us saw, for example, that we lacked honesty and tolerance, that we were beset at times by attacks of self-pity or delusions of personal grandeur. But while this was a humiliating experience, it didn't necessarily mean that we had yet acquired much actual humility. Though now recognized, our defects were still there. Something had to be done about them. And we soon found that we could not wish or will them away by ourselves.

More realism and therefore more honesty about ourselves are the great gains we make under the influence of Step Five. As we took inventory, we began to suspect how much trouble self-delusion had been causing us. This had brought a disturbing reflection. If all our lives we had more or less fooled ourselves, how could we now be so sure that we weren't still self-deceived? How could we be certain that we had made a true catalog of our defects and had really admitted them, even to ourselves? Because we were still bothered by fear, self-pity, and hurt feelings, it was probable we couldn't appraise ourselves fairly at all. Too much guilt and remorse might cause us to dramatize and exaggerate our shortcomings. Or anger and hurt pride might be the smoke screen under which we were hiding some of our defects while we blamed others for them.

Possibly, too, we were still handicapped by many liabilities, great and small, we never knew we had. Hence it was most evident that a solitary self-appraisal, and the admission of our defects based upon that alone, wouldn't be nearly enough. We'd have to have outside help if we were surely to know and admit the truth about ourselves--the help of God and another human being. Only by discussing ourselves, holding back
nothing, only by being willing to take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking, solid honesty, and genuine humility.

Yet many of us still hung back. We said, "Why can't `God as we understand Him' tell us where we are astray? If the Creator gave us our lives in the first place, then He must know in every detail where we have since gone wrong. Why don't we make our admissions to Him directly? Why do we need to bring anyone else into this?"

At this stage, the difficulties of trying to deal rightly with God by
ourselves are twofold. Though we may at first be startled to realize that God knows all about us, we are apt to get used to that quite quickly. Somehow, being alone with God doesn't seem as embarrassing as facing up to another person. Until we actually sit down and talk aloud about what we have so long hidden, our willingness to clean house is still largely theoretical. When we are honest with another person, it confirms that we have been honest with ourselves and with God.

The second difficulty is this: what comes to us alone may be garbled by our own rationalization and wishful thinking. The benefit of talking to another person is that we can get his direct comment and counsel on our situation, and there can be no doubt in our minds what that advice is. Going it alone in spiritual matters is dangerous. How many times have we heard well-intentioned people claim the guidance of God when it was all too plain that they were sorely mistaken. Lacking both practice and humility, they had deluded themselves and were able to justify the most arrant nonsense on the ground that this was what God had told them. It is worth noting that people of very high spiritual development almost always insist on checking with friends or spiritual advisers the guidance they feel they have received from God. Surely, then, a novice ought not lay himself open to the chance of making foolish, perhaps tragic, blunders in this fashion. While the comment or advice of others may be by no means infallible, it is likely to be far more specific than any direct guidance we may receive while we are still so inexperienced in establishing contact with a Power greater than ourselves.

Our next problem will be to discover the person in whom we are to confide. Here we ought to take much care, remembering that prudence is a virtue which carries a high rating. Perhaps we shall need to share with this person facts about ourselves which no others ought to know. We shall want to speak with someone who is experienced, who not only has stayed dry but has been able to surmount other serious difficulties. Difficulties, perhaps, like our own. This person may turn out to be one's sponsor, but not necessarily so. If you have developed a high confidence in him, and his temperament and problems are close to your own, then such a choice will be good. Besides, your sponsor already has the advantage of knowing something about your case.

Perhaps, though, your relation to him is such that you -would care to reveal only a part of your story. If this is the situation, by all means do so, for you ought to make a beginning as soon as you can. It may turn out, however, that you'll choose someone else for the more difficult and deeper revelations.

This individual may be entirely outside of A.A.--for example, your clergyman or your doctor. For some of us, a complete stranger may prove the best bet. The real tests of the situation are your own willingness to confide and your full confidence in the one with whom you share your first accurate self-survey.

Even when you've found the person, it frequently takes great resolution to approach him or her. No one ought to say the A.A. program requires no
willpower; here is one place you may require all you've got. Happily, though, the chances are that you will be in for a very pleasant surprise. When your mission is carefully explained, and it is seen by the recipient of your confidence how helpful he can really be, the conversation will start easily and will soon become eager. Before long, your listener may well tell a story or two about himself which will place you even more at ease. Provided you hold back nothing, your sense of relief will mount from minute to minute. The dammed-up emotions of years break out of their confinement, and miraculously vanish as soon as they are exposed. As the pain subsides, a healing tranquillity takes its place. And when humility and serenity are so combined, something else of great moment is apt to occur. Many an A.A., once agnostic or atheistic, tells us that it was during this stage of Step Five that he first actually felt the presence of God. And even those who had faith already often become conscious of
God as they never were before.

This feeling of being at one with God and man, this emerging from isolation through the open and honest sharing of our terrible burden of guilt, brings us to a resting place where we may prepare ourselves for the following Steps toward full and meaningful sobriety.

[caressa]

So many stop or don't attempt working the Steps because they see this one and say, "I could never do that!"

The key is "One" Step at a time. If and when you do the first four Steps, then you can look at this one. I once heard a longtimer say, "When you have a strong grasp of Step Three, quickly start a Step Four, there should never be a gap. If you have the faith of Step Three you will not allow time for fear to set in before you start your Step Four." He continued to say, "There can be a gap between Steps "Four and Five", but do not hesitate and procrastinate too long because I believe that the reason people with long-term sobriety relapse is because the skimped on this Step. I believe it tells us that in the Big Book also.

The thought that went through my head as I typed this was, "Never fear, God is here!" May sound like an old cliche, but it is very true if you ask Him to be with you in all that you say and do.

As I grew in the fellowship as a result of working the Steps, I found myself, I became more honest; I did more Step Fours and Fives. I am hoping to go through the Steps again with my sponsee. The Steps are about in the now. What from my past have I not let go of and what do I need to do to heal and move on with my life. This is a very freeing Step.

[caressa]

My computer is still down and don't expect to be up and running before the end of the month.

Hopefully when I get moved, I will be able to find out what is wrong with it. Not sure if it is the Ram, the heat in my apartment or a boot virus. Had it reformatted and the problem is still there.

Miss you all,

[caressa]

Step Five: Admitted to God, to ourselves,
and to another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs.
“A.A. experience has taught us we cannot live
alone with our pressing problems and the character
defects which cause or aggravate them. If we have
swept the searchlight of Step Four back and forth
over our careers, and it has revealed in stark relief
those experiences we’d rather not remember, if we have
come to know how wrong thinking and action have hurt us
and others, then the need to quit living by ourselves
with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more
urgent than ever. We have to talk to somebody about them.”

© 2005, AAWS, Inc.;
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg. 55

[caressa]

Step Five: Admitted to God, to ourselves,
and to another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs.

“Certain distressing or humiliating memories,
we tell ourselves, ought not be shared with
anyone. These will remain our secret. Not a
soul must ever know. We hope they’ll go to the
grave with us.

“Yet if A.A.’s experience means anything at all,
this is not only unwise, but is actually a perilous
resolve. Few muddled attitudes have caused us more
trouble than holding back on Step Five.”

© 2005, AAWS, Inc.;
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg. 56

[caressa]

Step Five: Admitted to God, to ourselves,
and to another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs.
“What are we likely to receive from Step Five?
For one thing, we shall get rid of that terrible
sense of isolation we’ve always had. Almost without
exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness.
Even before our drinking got bad and people began
to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling
that we didn’t quite belong.”

© 2005, AAWS, Inc.;
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg. 57

[caressa]

STEP FIVE: Admitted to God, to ourselves,
and to another human being the exact
nature of our wrongs.

"More realism and therefore more honesty about
ourselves are the great gains we make under the
influence of Step Five. As we took inventory, we
began to suspect how much trouble self-delusion
had been causing us. This had brought a disturbing
reflection. If all our lives we had more or less fooled
ourselves, how could we now be so sure that we
weren’t still self-deceived? How could we be certain
that we had made a true catalog of our defects and
had really admitted them, even to ourselves? Because
we were still bothered by fear, self-pity, and hurt feelings,
it was probable we couldn’t appraise ourselves fairly at
all. Too much guilt and remorse might cause us to
dramatize and exaggerate our shortcomings. Or anger
and hurt pride might be the smoke screen under which
we were hiding some of our defects while we blamed
others for them. Possibly, too, we were still handicapped
by many liabilities, great and small, we never knew we had.

"Hence it was most evident that a solitary self-appraisal,
and the admission of our defects based upon that alone,
wouldn’t be nearly enough. We’d have to have outside help
if we were surely to know and admit the truth about
ourselves—the help of God and another human being."

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pgs. 58-59

[caressa]

Step Five: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to
another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

More realism and therefore more honesty about ourselves
are the great gains we make under the influence of Step
Five. As we took inventory, we began to suspect how much
trouble self-delusion had been causing us. This had brought
a disturbing reflection. If all our lives we had more or less
fooled ourselves, how could we now be so sure that we
weren't still self-deceived? How could we be certain that
we had made a true catalog of our defects and had really
admitted them, even to ourselves? Because we were still
bothered by fear, self-pity, and hurt feelings, it was probable
we couldn't appraise ourselves fairly at all. Too much guilt
and remorse might cause us to dramatize and exaggerate
our shortcomings. Or anger and hurt pride might be the smoke
screen under which we were hiding some of our defects while
we blamed others for them. Possibly, too, we were still
handicapped by many liabilities, great and small, we never
knew we had.

© 1981, AAWS, Inc., Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 58-59

It was good to have another person's perspective because the person I had the most difficulty with being honest with was myself. I tended to look at myself with rose coloured glasses and tell myself it wasn't so bad. I remember sharing with a friend and she said, "Don't compare, what happened to you, was traumatic to you and your pain isn't to be compared with what someone else went through." I put a lot of issues aside because I didn't have the trauma she had and looked at myself as a whoose for complaining and even bringing them up. She had been sexual abused as well as physically and mentally abused as a child, as a teen and as an adult. I was only raped four times and one of those times was by my first husband so it didn't count.

Looking at the pain I cause others was difficult not wanting to recognize that the abused often becomes the abuser.

[caressa]

Wisdom for Today

"Admitted to God, ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." These words in Step Five made my very insides groan. To honestly say out loud the words so carefully written in Step Four and admit to God, myself and someone else who and what I was and what I had done and not done was a task I thought too great. Yet I knew that this step had been written for a reason. So many that had gone before me had stated that they had found a new freedom in this step. So why was I so petrified by this task? The reality was that shame had me in its grasp. I stood broken and damaged and had no desire to complete this step.

I pondered for many days what the wisdom was behind this step and continued to be paralyzed. I could not even call the person that my sponsor suggested to me to arrange a meeting to discuss doing my Fifth Step. I didn't even want to talk to my sponsor about this. I went to a meeting I normally didn't attend hoping to find a way out. The chair of the meeting went through all of the opening rituals and then introduced the topic for the evening. He said, "Tonight I think we should talk about forgiveness." He went on to talk about his Fifth Step and how it had not only opened his eyes to the work he needed to do about his defects of character, but also how it opened the door to forgiving himself for all the wrongs he had committed. I was astounded. How was it that in this meeting I so rarely attended that this was the topic of the evening? God works in mysterious ways. The longer I stay clean and sober, the more I am convinced that there is no such thing as coincidence. Do I see how God works in and through the program?

Meditations for the Heart
Forgiveness was something I had heard about a lot in church growing up, but it was something that I really didn't understand. It was clear to me that this was a spiritual concept I needed to learn more about. Perhaps this is why my sponsor had suggested I talk with a recovering pastor to do my Fifth Step. At any rate the next day after this meeting, I made a phone call to schedule a meeting; and indeed in the following weeks I did learn much about this spiritual concept. I also learned why it was not only important but necessary to keep my Higher Power in the center of my life. It was about balance. I had gotten so out of balance spiritually because of my addiction. Now I had to learn about balance. Do I understand the necessity of keeping my Higher Power in the center of my life?

Petitions to my Higher Power>
God,
Standing before You has not always been easy. Too often I have wanted to run and hide because of my shame. I understand why it is so important to keep You in the center of my life. If I do not trust You, whom can I trust? Walk with me this day and give me the willingness I need to live as You want me to live. Guide me each step of the way.

Amen.

Part of my fear was that I was always told that God saw everything and by the laws of my church, I was doomed forever and although foregiveness was mentioned, I didn't think it applied to me. I wasn't willing to conform to the rigid way living and narrow minded outlook that was projected onto me.

I figured I was going to be struck down my lightning for sure. I was one big walking SIN; but in today, SIN means SouI In Need.

Today I accept my humanness and try to be a better me by learning from the experiences of my journey. I knew God loved me but I had trouble loving and foregiving myself. Gradually, with the help of others who loved me until I could love myself, I found I was worthwhile. I did deserve recovery and it was okay to be me. I did my Step Five with my sponsor and with several counsellors at Family Services.

[caressa]

Wisdom for Today

While forgiveness does indeed wipe the slate clean, it cannot undo the consequences of our actions. In completing my Fifth Step, I had to accept the fact that my actions while under the influence had certainly hurt a lot of different people including myself. Most of this hurt was not intentional. It simply was a consequence of my disease. When the drugs and alcohol were making my decisions for me, I said and did things I wish I hadn’t. Even during the brief periods of time when I was not using, I said and did things of which I was not proud. I would have to pick up the pieces of my brokenness.

I had indeed made a lot of mistakes and wronged many people. My Higher Power knew this. I knew this, and now another person also knew this. It is God who in His grace provides grace and forgiveness. I also needed to learn how to forgive myself. This began with working on accepting myself – the good, the bad and the ugly. It also was made possible by accepting that much of what occurred in my life was not by conscious choice. My addiction had made choices for me, choices that I would not have made if I were in my right mind. I also began to do repair work on the damage done. Perhaps what helped me most was to seek permission to forgive myself through prayer and meditation. Self-forgiveness is a process and not an event; it takes time. Have I forgiven myself?

Meditations for the Heart

There is an ancient myth about a bird of fire that rises from the ashes. The Phoenix was given new life. I likewise was given a new life in recovery. If I was going to rise from the ashes of my life, I needed to learn to forgive myself. The days of self-hatred, disgust and shame had to end. These attitudes needed to die. I needed to arise from the ashes of my life with a willingness to be obedient to my Higher Power’s will and live a life of service and integrity. While I do not do this perfectly, and none of us can, I do strive for progress. Much like the Phoenix , I have experienced a resurrection and been given a new chance on life. Am I using this new chance on life to serve others and seek integrity in all that I do?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
Help me this day to seek after Your will and be willing to do that which is the right thing. Let me seek to follow Your direction in all that do. Let me this day find acceptance of who I am, Your forgiven child. Let me reach out to others in humble service.
Amen.

After my last post, this seems to be what I needed to hear today.

[caressa]

STEP FIVE

Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Humility is the underlying thought of the Twelve Steps. The pattern was set for us by Step One: "admitted we were powerless." In Step Two we acknowledged a Power greater than ourselves; in Step Three, we relinquished control by deciding to "turn our will and our lives over" to that Power. In Step Four we faced up to our shortcomings. All this is concerned with the quality and purpose of humility.

Have debated whether to continue with this Step or to share the Al-Anon 4th Step Guide. Didn't want to move forward until I had the answer I needed.

Humility is not humiliation. Not knowiing, is not humiliating, it just means I don't know and teaches me that I need to wait on my God for the right time. When the time is right, I will know what to do and the words to say what needs to be said.

Because of my own health issues and where I am at with my son, I felt I wasn't in a good enough space to continue this, at least not in a space that I liked being. Now that I have made some changes, reinforced some boundaries, and put things into God's hands, I can continue with the study.

So many people fear this Step, yet I heard many people say it was a Step in which they found a lot of freedom so I didn't want to delay it. I also found that most people had done what I did, if they hadn't done it, they had thought it, so I was not unique. My journey was my journey, and yet this disease affects us all pretty much the same way. Some just haven't gotten to the bottom of the pit before we decided to quit and climb out of the mess we had made of our lives.

[caressa]

Step Five

"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."


All of A.A.'s Twelve Steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires . . . they all deflate our egos. When it comes to ego deflation, few Steps are harder to take than Five. But scarcely any Step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind than this one.

Ego! Easing God Out! This was the cause and effect of all that happened in my life. I rebelled against the rules and regulations laid down in my life and I just wanted to be me and I was told that me was not good enough.

I went from this person, this country bumpkin to someone who thought she knew what was best and if she didn't know everything, she was quick to find out what she was missing. I minded my business and yours too!

Sobriety being soundness of mind. How can I have a sound mind when there were so many voices coming from all directions and even more from myself, should I/shouldn't I, what if..., etc. Things I took on that were not mine and things that were projected on to me that I didn't know I didn't have to take ownership for. So overwhelmed for the most part because I didn't seem to measure up, couldn't keep up, and felt like I was different and all alone.

Step Five tell me I have to tell you about all my inner most secrets, those thoughts that I didn't even want to acknowledge myself, let alone tell you. Although I believed God knew all, I was too shamed to bring them out into the open.

My natural instinct was to not tell. To not reveal and to not let you know who I am because then you wouldn't like me. I was unlovable you know.

I had to get by all those old tapes and all those self-inflicted wounds to allow myself to heal.

[caressa]

A.A. experience has taught us we cannot live alone with our pressing problems and the character defects which cause or aggravate them. If we have swept the searchlight of Step Four back and forth over our careers, and it has revealed in stark relief those experiences we'd rather not remember, if we have come to know how wrong thinking and action have hurt us and others, then the need to quit living by ourselves with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more urgent than ever.

AA 12 Steps & 12 Traditions

This tells me that isolation is a part of my disease. That this is a program of reflection and perception, and unless I go to meetings, share with others, I have no true sense of what is good and what is best changed in my life. Many thing I had been doing for years and I didn't know they were wrong. It was what I had taught, or how I had perceived life to be. A lot of what I did was done with good intentions. I thought I was being a good citizen by getting involved with the Legion. Being on different committees and going out and selling raffles and raising money for good causes. Not realizing that I was looking to belong and looking for acceptance. Not realizing I wasn't a good mom because I left my son home with a babysitter or his grandfather. Not realizing that the under lying factor was about putting me around people who drank and acted like I did and thought the same way and that my true motive and intent was alcohol. If you had asked me, I would have looked at you as if you were bonkers. I was working with Senior Citizens. I was canvassng for Cancer, Heart, and March of Dimes. Looking outside of myself to make me feel better.

Many things I did not remember until I heard them in the rooms of recovery. Then I would think, I thought that! I felt like that! I did that!

So many times I have shared my story only to have people come up and say, "I am so glad you shared that, I thought I was the only one." Many times I was surprised at what came out of my mouth. I thought that I would never tell another living soul.

I am only as sick as my secrets.

To be continued...

[caressa]

We have to talk to somebody about them. So intense, though, is our fear and reluctance to do this, that many A.A.'s at first try to bypass Step Five. We search for an easier way--which usually consists of the general and fairly painless admission that when drinking we were sometimes bad actors. Then, for good measure, we add dramatic descriptions of that part of our drinking behavior which our friends probably know about anyhow.

But of the things which really bother and burn us, we say nothing. Certain distressing or humiliating memories, we tell ourselves, ought not be shared with anyone. These will remain our secret. Not a soul must ever know. We hope they'll go to the grave with us.

AA 12 Steps & 12 Traditions

As a friend shared with me, she was told to do Step Four and forget that Step Five had to follow. It helped to eliminate some of the fear of doing an inventory. Doing the inventory is crucial and we need to look at what we need to change in our lives and what there is there that is salvageable and worth nurturing.

By doing Step Five we get a true perspective by bringing things to light. So many things were a false view of things, often taking on the blame of things that were not ours to take on. Often we were the victim of other people's choices. Other times we made choices because we had never been taught that we had a choice let alone the fact that once we made a choice, we could choose again.

For so many years I role played, wore masks, put up walls, hid the real me and the thoughts going on inside of me because surely you wouldn't like me. Growing up the oldest resulted in taking a lot of responsibilities there were not mine. Being tall for my age made me feel awkward, insecure, and had no self-esteem. Instead of looking at the positive, I always saw the negative. I was told I should be a model because everything I put on suited me and yet I was really too short to qualify for a model or too tall to be the stewardess that I always wanted to be.

My mother had no sense of style and color and I always felt geeky and looked it! As a result, most of my wardrobe was the basic black, grays and neutrals. One time I bought an orange dress with small yellow hearts and my boyfriend of the time forbid me to wear it because it reflected that I had a wild character and wasn't ready to settle down. I was 25. Little did he know how right he was!

I always seemed to be at war with myself. Things I wanted to do versus the things I was not suppose to do a a good little Christian girl, daughter, mother, wife, girlfriend, friend, lover, companion, etc. should feel, do or act. How can you love me when I didn't love myself.

As it says in the Big Book, I was judging me by my intentions and others were judging me by my actions.

[caressa]

Yet if A.A.'s experience means anything at all, this is not only unwise, but is actually a perilous resolve. Few muddled attitudes have caused us more trouble than holding back on Step Five. Some people are unable to stay sober at all; others will relapse periodically until they really clean house. Even A.A. old timers, sober for years, often pay dearly for skimping this Step. They will tell how they tried to carry the load alone; how much they suffered of irritability, anxiety, remorse, and depression; and how, unconsciously seeking relief, they would sometimes accuse even their best friends of the very character defects they themselves were trying to conceal. They always discovered that relief never came by confessing the sins of other people.

AA 12 Steps & 12 Traditions

Have heard many stories of people who relapsed after many years in recovery. It was a big fear of mine that I wouldn't be able to stay sober, if they did it, how can I do it. I found that two things generally were the cause of relapse. They stopped going to meetings and they only did the Steps they wanted because they didn't think they needed the others or they didn't want to share their secrets.

I was one of those who had secrets and as a result of them, I stayed sick for a long time. I didn't pick up thankfully, but I had all the symptoms that are mentioned above.

I was told that if ever I was in doubt about my character defects, all I had to do what look at who I was pointing my finger at. It takes one to know one. So if I found goodness in someone, I had it too. If I found something negative about someone, I had those same character traits. It took me a long time to recognize my own ego. I was reminded of this today. I can have faith in God but still keep Him out of my life.

Control is a big issue with me. I call it the 'C' word and liken it to Cancer which can eat away at my soul. I can still want things my way and how I think they should be done. When I turn my day over to my Higher Power, I trust Him to lead and direct me. When I don't do that, I can still get myself onto a rocky road, with lots of pitfalls and detours. It can also be a lonely road where few others travel and I find myself alone again wondering what went wrong.

I need to tell all of my secrets, not just a few to get by on. I need to give up all control over to my Higher Power. There is no such thing as being a little bit alcoholic/addict/codependent/caretaker. I just can't give over a little bit and keep the rest for myself. The program doesn't work that way.

To be continued...

[caressa]

Admitting to God-first-prepared us for the two things we had to do next: admit our shortcomings to ourselves and to another human being.

It was not a matter of informing our Higher Power of something only we knew. It was rather the effect on us of feeling that we could, in a sense, speak to our God without embarrassment or shame. This provided us with a solid base for a clear understanding of ourselves. It was this intimate communication with a Higher Power that made us feel all the more free to bring out everything that needed to come to light. In consciously telling God, we enlightened ourselves about the ways in which we wanted to change.

Due to health and some personal issues, I did not feel qualified to continue with this discussion. When I read this, it could be because my God and I have been doing some heart to heart.

Hadn't realized that I had found myself angry with God. I never stopped talking to him but I found myself making continued demands of Him, instead of taking things to Him in faith and leaving them there.

God know all. He knows me better than I know me. It is only by opening that channel and talking to Him that I get to know me too.

It was thanks to a girl calling me on instant messenger today, asking for a spiritual solution to her problem that gave me an awareness, that I was still in touch with God. He hadn't gone away. I had again. Part of it was because of my pain, and just not being able to think through it and deal with it. My doctor had given me Tyenol 3s for when the pain got so bad and nothing worked. Well I had a lot of guilt about taking them, didn't take them as prescribed, instead of three a day, I took one, now I take none. They are short term, and if I continue to take them, I will be back in the old mine frame, one is good, more is better and I don't want to live that way any more. When I had my fall, they were good. The pain was that bad. The body manufactures the pain to say you need more. Well the pain that I originally took them for is gone, so I know longer have a need. All pain I feel now, is a deferred pain or a normal pain for someone with fibromyalgia. I can handle that pain with meditation, acupressure, proper rest, exercise and diet.

He is the Master Physician. When I surrender, turn things over to Him, I am empowered to do what I need to do for myself. He enlightens me and lets me know when I am off on a detour or taking the lazy man's way or just dragging my heels and not willing to do what I need to do for myself.

To be continued...

[caressa]

Our method of communicating with God depended on our personal view and our relationship to Him. Some of us might "speak" to Him in thought, perhaps visualizing Him as a kind, understanding presence, or as an impersonal Universal Spirit. No matter how we chose to communicate with God, it was essential for us to experience the feeling of surrender of our will. Then we would have prepared ourselves for unquestioning acceptance of this guidance in the days and years to come.

AA 12 & 12

There were a couple of times that I felt God's presence and it was like He touched me, calmed me, and I was able to handle the situation at hand. One time I was lying back in my easy boy and it felt like He touched me from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. I had done a meditation with my native cards, and had asked for healing. When I got up, I felt like I had lost the fear of putting the wrong foot forward, saying the wrong thing, it was like I had been frozen from the waist down and now I had freedom of movement. I felt that the invisible scars of my four rapes had been healed.

Too many times, I have been made aware of His presence. I know He is always there, and all I have to do is to be willing to surrender and let Him into my life. He is my Friend, Counsellor, Healer, Strength, Father, Mother, and anything else that I need Him to be. I have loved Him, cussed Him, resented Him, and yet His unconditional Love is always there.

[caressa]

This was taken from the Al-Anon Step Five reading.

[caressa]

Everybody had to confess his own. This practice of admitting one's defects to another person is, of course, very ancient. It has been validated in every century, and it characterizes the lives of all spiritually centered and truly religious people. But today religion is by no means the sole advocate of this saving principle. Psychiatrists and psychologists point out the deep need every human being has for practical insight and knowledge of his own personality flaws and for a discussion of them with an understanding and trustworthy person. So far as alcoholics are concerned, A.A. would go even further. Most of us would declare that without a fearless admission of our defects to another human being we could not stay sober. It seems plain that the grace of God will not enter to expel our destructive obsessions until we are willing to try this.

Never did like confession and was very anti Roman Catholic for many years because of it. I didn't feel that I needed to do penance and that the price had already been paid. I was told that I was gifted forgiveness when I took things to my HP. What I came to realize was that I could do something, ask for forgiveness, then turn around and do the same thing over and over again. It didn't work that way. I had to have a forgiving spirit which was very much lacking. Didn't want to forgive God because I blamed Him, didn't want to forgive myself or my significant other, so why should I own up to anything. It was only when I was willing that I found the freedom of recovery.