Looking for answers

[anitasues]

I had been to a couple of Alon meetings and met great people but then stopped so maybe this might be the place for me. Introduction: was married and fell in love with an alcoholic and he had been sober for 23 years. I left my husband,which I would have done anyways and began dating and living with my new boyfriend. One of the attractions was that he would tell me that he had really hit rock bottom-getting kicked out of the air force, getting divorced, loosing jobs, waking up in places he never knew how he got there, etc. Now we both worked together, thats how we met. He has been with this job for 12 yrs, got a promotion, brought a home. That really made me fall in love with him. He really is a good man. BUT I noticed that he would come home smelling of beer and my daughter noticed it. I started to go to Alon meetings and moved out. We are still dating and he did stop drinking and now years later, I suspected he was drinking again, so this weekend I tricked him and told him that I had to go to my sisters to babysit for the weekend. On Sat I went over to his house to find a six pk of beer on the counter. I knew I surprised him and he was trying to play it off and asked if I wanted a beer, I said no, so he drank the last two right in front of me!!! I didn't say anything, didn't know what to say. I mean he admitted he was an alcoholic and I know he will always be, but come on!! While he was drinking he made a comment how it was a good thing I didn't check behind the shed. So of course when he fell asleep I went behind the shed and found 5 brown bags, all filled with empty 6 packs!! What is he 16 again?? Why is he doing this?? All his family drinks and at family functions beer is flowing like water--won't touch the stuff, which I think is a very hard thing to do and I will tell him how proud I am that he doesn't but when I'm not around or he is bored, he drinks. I really don't know what to do and don't know why he would go so long and them start and stop like he does. I really love this guy, but I'm getting sick of checking on him and when I'm not with him wondering what he is doing--please someone give me some advice I would really appreciate it

[stickmonkey]

I would really try the alanon meetings

[anitasues]

I have been to several Alon meetings, but I stopped, it seemed to be the same ole same. Everyone at the meeting was either married to the drinker or it was their child. This is my boyfriend and I know that maybe since he is not my husband I was going to the meetings with a differnet prespective, I don't think I'm explaining it right I guess. I really love this guy and would love to marry the guy, but things will go fine for a year or sometimes more and then bang, I start to find empty bottles or he starts acting weird that prompts me to investigage his activities. I would love to get married and get a bigger house, but the thought of having my new husband and new house and then behind our shed is brown bags with empty beer bottles in them!!! He really is the sweetest guy, but I don't understand why he is hiding it from me?

[dg]

Hey Anitasues Welcome to EOR
Alanon meetings may be the same ole same ole,to you but the whole format is still the same when it comes to wanting to understand a significant other thats part of your life. If you stick with the meetings and learn the Alanon 12 steps and read up on some of the great books that Alanon has to offer you might be able to understand or rather say find your answers to what you ahve been searching for. But don't give up!

Many people have been going to meetings for years and it jsut helps them with what ever they are going thru and know that they are not alone in this siutation.
Read some of the post that people have been in simularr situation as you, married or not the problem is pretty much still the same when dealing with someone with problem that makes life unmanagable in regards to drinking or addiction of any kind.

[MrDuck]

Hi There,

I am Ron, an alcoholic. Not sure why you stopped going to Alanon but I do know this. That a true black belt Alanoner is seems to be happy with life. There is a saying in the Big Book that goes like this, " If you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it." I don't have nothing against on line meetings. But hope that they never replace face to face meetings. The old timers that had what I wanted where still going to meetings. Why. Because in their words, " It still works." I would suggest that you go to more Alanon meetings and learn from some old. Looking back. God I love them people that shared with me.

Have a great day and keep smiling.

Ron

[anitasues]

Thanks for your insets, maybe I will check out the Alon section of this board

[anitasues]

The meetings that I did attend, I listened to all these stories and especially took note of a couple fo situations that were like mine. After a while I began to sit there and think okay he we are a good full of women sharing the fact that we are living with Acholics and we are trying to cope with it. I just kept thinking if it has gotten so bad for these women that they have begun to attend meetings, what are they doing with these men, why don't they just leave these guys, move on and "let go and let God"

[dg]

You pointed out a very good question and many do ask themselves that. Alot. Many have choosen to stay and learn to understand the whole thing by going to meetings and trying to deal with it the best they know how.
Personally for me, I chose to stay with my husband who is an ex addict, because I know how he was before he relasped. It wasn't easy to live with someone that made life unmanageable with the ups and dwons of him "tweekin" and unfortually did jail time, he is now clean for 3 yrs and I think when I first came to EOR and the help of others on the boards and meetings have helped me greatly in coping.
I can't speak for others that chose to "stay" with a significant other but this is my story.
Its ok to think what u thought because I myself thought the very same thing when I was at my own crossroads with my staying with someone that kept relasping and that still could happen at anytime w/o some type of support system on thier part.
Keep searching and you will find your answer to what you want in recovery.

[caressa]

Al-Anon helped me look at me. Helped me to cope with every day living. One woman whose husband died many years ago said, "I still come to meetings because I still have to live with me." When we are around alcoholics, we are affected by them. It is a family disease. I am a daughter of an alcoholic who died from his disease. I married and divorced and alcoholic who was very abusive yet I stayed in that marriage for seven years not thinking I deserved better and even if I did, I had become dependent on him. I am a recoverying alcoholic who has a son who is a self admitted alcoholic who is in treatment for his own disease.

Just because your boyfriend has been sober many years doesn't mean he is no longer an alcoholic. His disease is in remission and unless he has made a lot of changes and healing, he can still be acting out his disease. We call it being a dry drunk.

[carolsongs]

I can definitly relate to being a dry drunk, thats me 5o percent of the time,the other 50 percent is fightig to be who i was born to be, a beautiful, talented woman(smile) hopefully),,,,not the person my alcoholic parents saw me to be, a waste worth nothing