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Post by lildee on Feb 9, 2006 8:58:45 GMT -5
2. For our group purpose there is but one authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants— they do not govern.
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Post by lildee on Feb 9, 2006 9:11:49 GMT -5
part 2
Taken from Paths to Recovery Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts
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Post by stickmonkey on Apr 2, 2007 11:08:56 GMT -5
"For our Group purpose there is but one ultimate authority - a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience; our leaders
are but trusted servants, they do not govern."
Free members of a voluntary non-residential self-help organization like Narcotics Anonymous are ungovernable in any conventional sense. The techniques that may prove effective in government or business will quickly turn off a person who is only doing something because they feel it is right in their heart. When someone starts yelling, bossing or criticizing openly, the volunteer is totally free to drop their tools in place and walk away with a clear conscience. Many of our trusted servants forget this simple fact and get drawn into exploring their fantasies of what administrators and representatives do. If they believe with all their hearts that all politicians are crooked and that the roles we play in service are political due to the titles we use to describe them, they will eventually become crooked. This is a good belief to inventory and change as early in recovery and service as possible. What really happens is that while a few people are coming into the system and many people are already in the service structure, we have a growing number of members who are just watching, often with prior experience and meditating on how we can solve some of our problems of self-government. One thing we agree on is that NA processes should always be democratic in nature and that members should be consulted on things that affect them.
A group conscience works best when the spirit of a loving God is invited into each decision making process. A simple prayer coupled with a period of meditation can offer previously unforeseen guidance or even tranquility in the midst of chaos. Mindful of our individual surrender, we are more often agreeable and open to what concerns other surrendered members of NA. The process of a group conscience can vary widely depending on the circumstance. There can be evidence of a conscience consistently apparent during a meeting, or as a regularly scheduled, organized consultation of its members, most often held before or after the meeting it represents. Although some groups find business discussions happening during meeting time, most members rather the meeting time be focused on carrying our message, furthering our primary purpose. Most business meetings take place immediately after a recovery meeting to deal with group business.
However, the only thing a meeting needs is two or more addicts, a message of hope, and a place to gather; opportunities of service begin to present themselves as a group grows. Positions of trust are established to fulfill these opportunities; leaders, secretaries, treasures, and other representatives are elected to serve so that stability can be accomplished and an atmosphere of recovery can be born.
For a group to survive it must stand the test of time, nothing so much ensures this success so much as the quality and integrity of our servants. A working knowledge of our Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions, and regular meeting attendance, coupled with a willingness and desire to serve are qualities for both selecting and holding these positions of service.
These are only positions of service, entrusted to those whose duty is only to serve. A group’s servants derive no real authority from such positions; their responsibility is primarily to perform the day-to-day chores of the group. Even in attempts to preserve or cultivate an atmosphere of recovery, this tradition strictly limits the ability of any trusted servant to decide, dictate, rule, or censor the individual member. We must always remember that membership, in itself, ought forever be the highest position attainable in Narcotics Anonymous.
Lest we become victims of our own incomplete learning experiences, we should try to focus on our primary purpose when we are talking about leadership and trusted servants. Our purpose of carrying our message to the still suffering addict is direct and to the point. If it is kept in mind, it will ground out some of our excesses to the point of actually being effective. Most of the stuff that concerns us in NA is very simple, rather like baking a cake. It is important to have certain ingredients and certain utensils on hand with a ready oven and some sort of timer before we begin. While these points are simple, they are not dispensable. Sometimes we get so caught up in how we are going to do something, or who is going to do it, that nothing gets done!
Each of us has been, because of our common malady, unable to govern ourselves. Our initial unmanageability coupled with an admission of powerlessness have become apparent, not only to others, but to ourselves as well. This is often understood as a First Step toward recovery for the individual and initial point of unity for our fellowship; each person must first realize his or her powerlessness and unmanageability.
Neither we, nor any form of society with which we associated, could control our insatiable desire to use drugs and abuse our surroundings. Family, friends, governments, and institutions, none of which had any long lasting success with controlling or disciplining the addict. Through living our lives either controlling or being controlled by others, our need for such a removal of personal government seems further evident. We are people who have grown very sensitive to authority.
It has been our experience, though we cannot be governed, we can be led or inspired toward what feels right in our hearts. This feeling of rightness or goodness is what many of us associate with the spiritual awakening we begin to experience in the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. It is in this context that the concept of our Second Tradition becomes more obvious. Our only real Authority rests with God, as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Both power drivers and rebels can better work together in this context to carry our message, since neither is expending their energy foolishly fighting amongst the other.
Dope addicts are funny people. Many of us claim to hate authority figures. It is with some surprise that we find out that we actually are rather quick to give ourselves over to authority without thinking about it. In active addiction, our dealers were authorities along with various representatives of the organized world. We feel a need for freedom that we don't associate with illness or addiction. One explanation may be that we are unable to cope with every day reality and the ordinary demands of life may slide beyond our reach. Authorities are the ones we associate with the word "no."
In our service structure, we try to make some allowance for or members basic conflict between needing someone to tell us what to do and yet wanting to do things our own way, in our own time! Despite the tallness of this order, we have worked out what we call our service structure and certain procedures that seem to work for us most of the time. When there is difficulty, we all have the choice of staying and helping or backing off and letting non-participation simplify things for us. Our leaders are simply the members who can hear us and respond to our needs. We listen to some who have answers that stand up for the moment and only a few will stand against the test of time.
"I do not know where the courage comes from most of the time, but today I find that I am a leader in NA. It takes courage to lead. It feels great for me to be so passionately involved in something that regardless of consequences, I will stand up and speak about an unpopular or controversial position. At the other end, I am able to carry and speak pro to a group conscience decision that I disagree with personally as long as it doesn't force me to act against my basic principles or beliefs. I am able to get myself out of the way and become an instrument that carries a group's conscience in a way that engenders humility and selflessness in my personality."
The simple fact is, most of us believe in the Twelve suggested Steps as a design for living clean. Many of us began this process because we had to, but later continued because we wanted what this way of life began offering us. Just as the individual conformed to what felt right in their lives, the group often follows a similar path as expressed in its conscience. Group conscience holds no rigid shape; it is flexible, shaped by the ever growing and changing conscience of its members.
If we feel we have to lie, we need to back up to our 1st Step. Dishonesty comes from a lack of contact with a loving Higher Power. What conflict exists between unity and group conscience? Some members have thought that group conscience has to be compromised to effect unity. Unity can become a double-edged sword if it requires deception or misrepresentation. Worldly concerns about money, property and prestige will always appear imperative, immediate and definite. Only by stepping past the illusions of 'us and them', 'money', and justified deceit, do we get to discover what's really important. In NA we sometimes do foolish things through habit or mental laziness. Inner calm helps us see through the haze of appearances to the heart of things. Our conscience can be our best guide. By using the conscious contact that works so well in the rest of our lives, our groups achieve a spiritual quality. When we abandon spiritual principles and fall back on ordinary law, kangaroo courts or mob mentality, we are no longer entitled to call ourselves spiritual.
The Twelve Steps as well as our Twelve Traditions consist of the unification of spiritual principles; this is the essence of Narcotics Anonymous. With this in mind, the spiritual interpretation of our Steps or Traditions will always compliment one another. Moreover, the true spiritual conscience of a group will never run in conflict the spiritual principles of our Steps or Traditions.
While individuals have a tremendous freedom to follow the God of their understanding, certain spiritual terms stand on very common ground. We are patient, tolerant, humble, grateful and other things that reflect interior progress. If we find our minds telling us to go one way and our spirits urging us to give our attention to something else, we learn to pay attention. Only by giving our very best can we expect results beyond what simple thinking can give us. A sense of devotion to God's Will gives our groups the power that allows them to carry our message. Where that power fails, we go inward to renew our spiritual resources. Acts of desperation, justified wrongdoing and harsh treatment of individual members is never sanctioned in real Narcotics Anonymous. These things have only occurred where our members were inexperienced or unaware of what had been learned by those who have gone before. A loving God is our only Ultimate Authority and is expressed in the conscience of our groups.
We ask questions in participating in group conscience. We pin down presenters of important motions and try to get all the information we can. Wherever we can, we take time to talk over the item with our sponsors, group members, friends and pray for guidance. We may come up with additional questions. When all is said and done, we take a few breaths; make a decision and surrender.
For the first time in many of our lives, we have become willing to try something other than our own way. We have been inspired by the joy, happiness and freedom of members who have come before us. Along with this inspiration comes hope that we can also begin to recover. We have no official leaders, but all of us may lead a newcomer to our way of life by the power of example and being available to lend a helping hand. When we allow God's will to be expressed through us, our own recovery becomes stronger.
We addicts can make anything hard. This Tradition serves to remind us that when it is all said and done, the final say must accord with our inner connection to a higher power we call `conscious contact.' This is our protection against the games of manipulation and control that we all slip into from time to time. Our perfection is in our desire for improvement with spiritual help and guidance. We never arrive at a point of perfection where further improvement makes us able to rest secure in our observations and opinions without concern for the feelings of our Fellow members.
One of the adaptations that is happening to you if you are an addict who has recently begun to live without using drugs is that you feelings are coming back. Some are pleasant and others unpleasant. We have an internal guidance system that works when we are clean. As we become more accustomed to being able to trust our instincts again, we use our feelings to add depth and dimension to what our eyes see and our ears hear. We begin to assemble what can only be called an inner knowledge or certainty about what is right and what is wrong. The Twelve Steps of recovery are in tune with this reality and that is why we have to spend so much time talking and listening among other recovering addicts. We can literally hear what rings true and what doesn't. Many times something we have been doing will first seem faulty when shared by another addict. As we examine these things more, we are encouraged to pick out the things that have no place in our new lives. As we grow, our inner knowledge comes out in many forms and one of these forms is the group conscience that we use to guide our groups.
Surrender to group conscience begins with anonymity. When we ask ourselves the question, "What is right?" instead of, "Who is right?" we begin to remove the personality of our groups. Many times groups who experience disunity through personality conflicts or through uniformed conscience begin to conform to the will of personality. It is very difficult for us to surrender to a loving God if we do not carry an informed conscience. We trust our servants in this capacity. When we gather as recovering addicts and pray for the knowledge of God's will, our conscience becomes directed by a loving God. We are all addicts and it may be difficult to keep money, property or prestige from diverting us from our primary purpose. Usually a member with insight to our disease will assist us in refocusing on our ultimate authority and the primary purpose we serve selflessly.
We depend on our loving God to carry us when uninformed consciences begin to disunity us. Gut feeings may not lead to real solutions that can replace the games of anger and manipulation. We practice holding fast to the basic principles and values we learned as new members. We continue with vigilance to stay honest, open-minded and willing to surrender to our loving God.
Often without meaning to, our trusted servants relax their learned roles as special servants carrying out a role not often found in the outside world. It is easy to drift into the mindset that allows us to think that the spiritual is unreal and that we have gotten 'so big' that we have to tighten up and do things the way they are done in business and government. The humor of this is lost entirely when our members begin to suffer from an enlarged view of themselves and their role.
We are not saints and it takes some courage for most of us to share spiritually. Expressions of a spiritual nature bear a special meaning and we will not share these things in hostile or intimidating circumstances unless we have the experience or support to do so. When adverse conditions prevail, all we have to do is wait and stay together.
To underscore that those who act on behalf of our groups play a special role in a special way, we call them 'trusted servants.' Obviously, not all our members expected to serve in this way are able to fulfill the group’s expectations. Worse, some feel they must be more forceful than a mere servant could be. The nature of appearances versus deeper meanings makes it inevitable that conflicts will occur. Staying true to your spirit and close to those you serve will see you through. It is perfectly correct to resign if you cannot fulfill group conscience. Indeed, sometimes, this is the best way to remind a group that has fallen into feeling `powerful' in the diseased sense.
The idea of group conscience is that where members are considering something that will affect them, they have a right to gather relevant facts and voice themselves before any action can be binding on them. This is particularly true since no action can be enforced against the will of our groups. There will be times when immature leadership or trusted servants required to act with insufficient information will make poor decisions. Our disease doubles the likelihood of these problems. It is terrifically important that we develop our capacity for forgiveness and tolerance if we aspire to serve NA.
A member shared, "God was there but he was not involved in my life. Then I experienced tradition two and I knew God was in my life because he was in the group and I was in the group."
A group conscience is not a democracy, so it does not involve politics. To reach a group conscience, each individual must be open, honest and willing. Each must become aware, that is, informed about the facts and sensitive to the movement of the Spirit that is our Higher Power.
In a home group, decisions make themselves and directions unfold as, simultaneously, a few or several of us begin to do things in one way. An example is in saying the Serenity Prayer before our group conscience meeting: our group, to a person, will use the "we" version. This was not discussed, it was observed after the fact. Another example is that none of the Home Group members chose to "celebrate" their anniversary by calling on "special" members who have helped them in recovery or important family members during a meeting. While we celebrate our anniversary on or soon after our clean date, our anniversary meeting is little different from other meetings held throughout the year. We celebrate with fellowship after the meeting. Our group conscience dictates that we remember our primary purpose every day of the year.
Our servants are trusted, trustworthy and service-oriented. They serve our trust. Trusting them means that we ask questions because we are curious or interested, not because we are suspicious and critical. We cannot become informed simply by listening. Our servants are gently guided by other more experienced members, group conscience and principles. No one member will accept responsibility for decisions on behalf of the group. Each member accepts responsibility for the decisions made within group conscience and for the actions of our trusted servants. Trusted servants have to be responsible to teh group. In part, to serve means to comply, to be of use, to benefit, to make ready, to wait on, to furnish or supply, to treat or act toward in a specified way.
We cannot afford to be apart from the whole of NA in any way, or we will be in danger of letting our disease get a foothold. We need to "identify in" at every turn. Because of this, the people who take on responsibilities cannot be merely servants, not can they be trusted governors. They must be trust servants. As gently and loving as we can, we tell them what we want done and they do it. They may advise us according to their experience or perspective, but the final choice belongs to the group. No individual tells our group what to do and no individual is left alone to make a choice for us. In part, to govern means to control, to direct, to influence, to determine, to punish and to restrain.
Our Higher Power is limitless in love, power and creativity. To subject the possibilities of our recovery to rigid rules and regulations would only serve to cut us short of the reality. In the nineteen seventies, there were only a few hundred NA meetings. In the early eighties, the Basic Text was published, and in many places, the first meetings were started. Since then, thousands of addicts have overcome the slavery of active addiction. To allow any one of us the authority to define or regulate our recovery seems an absurd notion in the face of the kind of cultural revolution our lives in recovery represent.
Never in the history of man have addicts seen what we live on a daily basis. Addicts were written off as hopeless derelicts and died painful, lonely, slow deaths. Today, we live, thrive, change, grow and prosper. In the past, addicts were considered dangerous and were not allowed to congregate. Weekly, our meetings gather to celebrate our newfound family in a spirit of love and support. In this perspective, it seems simple to trust the creative action of the Spirit to continue to guide us as a group. As our Higher Power guides us through the steps to a spiritual awakening, our Group Conscience guides our group towards growth, recovery and mutual prosperity. Together we do what we could not do alone.
Part of our experience in NA is to watch groups come and go in our area. New members are very creative and strong willed, and often see a need for a new meeting time or place. From our perspective, those meetings which were started with spiritual willingness have thrived. Those started in self-will have folded. The power of willingness and love is insurmountable. In our personal recovery, we have learned that once we surrender and become willing, the doing seems effortless. Often the biggest struggle is in becoming willing. And once we are willing, things seem to just "fall into place." With our groups, then, we need to become willing and God-centered. The rest will "fall in place" as our Higher Power takes care of the details we fail to even see. And God will easily solve problems we think are too big for us: a new member moves into the area highly qualified, experienced in performing the service we require; a coffee pot is donated...
How does Group Conscience benefit the individual member? When we share our ideas, problems or thoughts with others, we gain a different perspective. Sharing with addicts who care about our welfare allows them to care about us. When we go to a meeting, talk about something that is bothering us and listen to the experience of other members, we are taking a Group Conscience. As each NA member shares experience, strength and hope on that topic, a loving God speaks to us through the collective message. We often leave such a meeting with the answer to our problem, yet it was not just one person who told us what we needed to hear. Instead, the shared experience of everyone provides our best solutions.
The principle of Tradition Two tells us to treat others in a loving manner. That's how a loving God can speak through us. As one member puts it, "When I talk to others I do so as if I'm speaking to God and when I listen to them, I listen as though God were speaking through them. This is practicing the Second Tradition."
What about being a trusted servant? Tradition Two teaches the principle of selfless service. It is one thing to do good deeds for the purpose of gaining power or recognition, but that is not our goal. Performing humble service for the good of others brings spiritual rewards. When we strive to be of service to others in all that we do, our lives are enriched. We now have a noble purpose and we pursue it with vigor. By focusing on helping others, we are in fact helping ourselves. We are keeping the miracle of recovery alive by giving it away.
Tradition Two defines an ultimate authority for us. We no longer have to assume that awesome responsibility. Being "boss of the world" and "master of all we see" is not only impossible, it is dangerous for recovering addicts. It is a short journey from inflated, self-important thinking to relapse. Through an active 11th Step, we are reminded that we function better as our Higher Power's trusted servant than as a Higher Power
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Post by caressa on Sept 16, 2008 12:24:37 GMT -5
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Post by caressa on Mar 4, 2009 14:17:28 GMT -5
This was the topic at my Al-Anon Group today. I am always reminded that they work in my home just as well as they do in the group. God consciousnes for me is getting out of the way and allowing God to speak through me. Often to do that I say the Third Step Prayer and follow it up with the Seventh Step Prayer. When I go to a meeting, I call it getting an attitude ajustment. I am not the leading authority, no one is the boss, no one is better or less than, we are all equal. We all have a right to our opinion and it is what is good for the whole, not just my wants and wishes.
As a long-timer once said, "I had to learn to practice the Traditions in order to live long enough to work the Steps.
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Post by caressa on Jan 13, 2010 19:21:47 GMT -5
Tradition Two: For our grou purpose there is but one ultimate authority - a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
1. Do I criticize or do I trust and support my group officers, AA committees, and office workers? Newcomers? Old-timers?
2. Am I absolutely trustworthy, even in secret, with AA Twelve Step jobs or other AA responsibility?
3. Do I look for credit in my AA jobs? Praise for my AA ideas?
4. Do I have to save face in group discussion, or can I yield in good spirit to the group conscience and work cheerfully along with it?
5. Although I have been sober a few years, am I sitll willing to serve my turn at AA chores?
6. In group discussions, do I sound off about matters on which I have no experience and little knowledge?
Tradition Checklist from the AA Grapevine
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Post by DJgrrl on Sept 19, 2010 17:37:48 GMT -5
Hi freinds.. thanks to the traditions. If it were not for them I would not keep comign back.
I am in a very small area. we are secluded from the other areas in our district. At one time between the 2 towns we had 4 groups. One closed several years ago and one recently. I recall checking the service directory which I do not have at present. It did say that most groups fold becasue of 2 things.. dominance and gossip.
I left the group that folded for the exact reasons. Now I see it happening in another group well actually 2 groups that are in the area. What shall I do. I have been arguing back but that just makes me another controller. I have left and see the same thign happening hwen I come back. I'd liek to start another group. I guess instead of saying that I don't like the current gourp I may jsut ask if someone would liek to start one. I don't want to do it by myself. I am afraid of taking on too much responsibility or things being left to me.
Any suggestions ? I do do phone meetings and onleine but face to face is needed.
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Post by caressa on Sept 19, 2010 18:29:05 GMT -5
My sponsor told me, "Don't ask what the group can do for you, ask yourself what you can do for the group." Don't know the size of your group, but have the people in question been confronted. Have you been to a business meeting? Has there been a discussion? Gossip just about ran me out of AA as a whole. I just had to realize there were sick people in the rooms, myself included. Just because they were in recovery, doesn't mean the are right, whether they have 4 or 24 years of sobriety, it is all just for today.
I was told that only two things were required for a new meeting, a resentment and a coffee pot. I did start a meeting. It ended up being a group with a meeting every day. We did 7 meetings in 6 days. The group meeting was on Saturday night and a topic discussion, Monday and Friday were Big Book Discussion, Tuesday and Thursday were Step and Tradition Discussion and Wednesday was a topic discussion with a list of topics from As Bill Sees It. On Friday night we had the Promises Meeting which was registered with New York.
I opened the meeting for 7 years and then I went back to school. Other took over but it finally closed. It wasn't gossip or control on the part of the people running the meeting but a man who has several challenges in his life came in and started threatening the people. No one felt safe, so they left.
Things will repeat itself if all you are doing is a geographical cure. I would suggest speaking to other members and getting feedback on the situation. If it is your control issues that need to addressed, I would talk to your sponsor. I had it pointed out to me not too long ago, when you are trying to control, you are acting out in your dis-ease.
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Post by DJgrrl on Sept 23, 2010 17:33:35 GMT -5
Hi Caressa.. thanks for the posting from the Grapevine. There is a good reading in the One Day At A Time book in Alanon on Tradition 2. I see that happening in a group I ahev been going to. I am so use to it happening that I almsot became controlling in another group. Thankfully another member peeped up before me to thank the GR.. I did also.
I notice in the other group I am the only person to thanlk the GR or the chair when they share their qualifier or report.
What I feel in me is that there is a battle between me and one other person. I think my way of controlling is either back off and not go. It seems that she has a way to put people under her spell. I have wanted to be Gr but her clique doesn't let me in. Although in a secret vote one other person voted for me. So someone else sees it.
The GR doesn't return my phone calls. I also haven't seen ehr at meetings. I stopped going to Business meetings because I was always being interupted by the Old Timer who will say something like.. I ahve been here for 20 years it doesn't work we tried that.
Someoen did say to me that I could say to the GR.. I am havign a problem with people interupting me when I would like to speak. It there anythign you can suggest to do ? Or anyway you can help. Somethign like that that I need to phrase to have her resolve it. Although.. I don't trust that she wuill as she is in the clique.
I did go to antoher meeting and I sawhow it could run healthy and that a GR can be a trusted servant. Not a puppet with someone else pulling the strings..and that if i back off that person can do the job. My problem is I would like to grow and do a GR.. i've done everything else. I see that I am not able to .. or wasn't ready at the time... to do a good job. But I can't even get voted in. there have been 2 puppets so far. I don't know how to ask others without gossiping.
I am trying to focus on getting a job. But I am afradi to go for an interview. I still am hurt by being fired at another job. I was burned because I ahd boundaries. It took me so much courage to get there.. i feel like I don't trust anyone and am afriad to say I will onyl work this or this and be pushed more and more. I am afraid not to tell the truth.... the guilt. The gaps in ym resume as I have dealth with anxiety and been coping by avoiding and doing volunteer work.. Ihave in the past taken on too much and not taken care of myself.
I can feel in my body I still a. my niece shared with me that she is having trouble relying on pain meds. I am carrying this. I feel lonely and afraid to share with anyone. I feel safer sharing outside of a group. I don't have a sponsor.
Hey.. I think I need a temp sponsor. that would be OK.
You know I think I feel a responsibility to those who sahre secrets with me. There have been a lot and I can't seem to let go. I have a very strong body awareness...and I need to get it worked out
I feel guilty for borrowing money from others while I get a massage to wrok this stuff out. I know that others won't understand it. Well except those who ahev a high awreness of body stuff.
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Post by caressa on Sept 23, 2010 18:58:33 GMT -5
Dear DJ,
Thank you so much for sharing. Seems like you have a lot of issues that you need to address. Perhaps a sponsor, someone you can talk to f2f would be a good idea.
There are cliques, that is life and just because someone is in recovery, doesn't mean they are all healthy individuals. This is a disease of perception and reflection. My sponsor told me, it isn't about the other person, it is about me. Often what I see in others, is a reflection of something within myself. As they say, it takes one to know one. I think control is one of the main characterists that qualify us for this program. It doesn't matter what side of the street you are on, control was and can still be an issue that I have to take to my Higher Power.
My sponsor also told me to pray for the other person daily for two weeks as is suggested in the Big Book. It might no change anything, but will change my attitude.
I think it is important that you don't take on something until you deal with your own issues, I think they could cloud your judgment and decisions. When the time is right, and you are meant to be GR, you will get voted in. When I turn my day over to my Higher Power, things unfold as they should, not always as I would have them be. If you turn it over and pray for this woman, perhaps she will change and get an enlightment that she isn't God.
It is hard to get people to do service. So many people leave it to others to get active. As you say, you can take on too much. I know at one time I experienced burn out, and had to back off. Sometimes we see things and we want them but it is an ego thing. Hey look at me, I am important. I have this position and my word rules, you have to do what I say. That is when God gets lost and no longer become part of the group. It isn't always about what is good for me, it is what is good for the whole.
As GR, it isn't about being in charge, it is about being there doing what others want you to do. It isn't about your opinion, it is about what your fellow members vote to be their truth. It seems clicque if everyone else agrees about an issue and doesn't agree with me. That doesn't mean I am right or wrong. It means group conscience is at work and I need to accept other people's decision. That doesn't mean I have to like it and that is when we say, "We can agree to disagree on that issue."
Interrupting is not polite and rude. You need to address your side. I you repeating yourself? Are you saying the same thing over and over again? Did you interrupt someone? Is what you are saying in conjunction with the topic that is being discussed or were you off topic?
Often when we justify our behavior, we are automaticly doing something we shouldn't be doing. This is from experience, believe me. It always seemed like I had to jsutify my very existance and my reason for being.
Remember an inventory is about you, not about the other person. You can't change them. They are who they are. You can pray for them and ask God to change them. You can pray and ask for what you need in this situation. Is it something you can change or is it something you have to turn over to God and ask for His guidance, direction, and let Him make the change that needs to be made.
As a friend once said, "I had to learn to live the Traditions so I could live long enough to work the Steps." To live, it is about what I need for my recovery. For me, it is humility, knowing I am not the power, that I am but a channel. I need to be a clear, clean channel, which means I have to deal with my issues. I can't give away what I don't have.
Not sure that I answered your question, there seems to be a lot of issues there.
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Post by DJgrrl on Sept 29, 2010 20:54:11 GMT -5
Hi Caressa.. thanks for your sharing. I think I need to give her what I woudl want.. comapssion. Also I cannot accept the behaviour. it feels as if I am enabling it. And yes.. I ahev ahd people in my lfie enable me and my bad behaviours. Or decisions that I made. For some reason they were afraid to say No to me.
I haev not been able to talk to my GR. A reason i would liek to be GR is tht I would like to grow. I ahve had all other postions at the group level and several others including a Alateen Sponsor for 2 years. I don't have a sponsor at the current time. I lost a sponsor who elft the program a whiel ago and have not found somone else. Either a person who has a sponsor. Many people don't ahev a sponsor. I need someone I respect and who I can talk intimately with. Especially about relationships with men.
I did have someoen suggest aht I call my District Rep and have her come visit the meeting. I am not sure I can trust her. I pray for someone that I can have complete confidence in.
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Post by DJgrrl on Sept 29, 2010 20:55:58 GMT -5
I also see that I ahev a deep deep hurt becasue of a previous sponsor. I shared soemthign with her in confidence and she told somneone else That person then used the inforamton to control and advice me. So I ahev a deep deep distrust of sponsors and women !!!
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Post by caressa on Sept 30, 2010 8:10:02 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing DJ. Only you can find that trust and rebuild it. I would say it is a job for your Higher Power. Ask to be shown what you need to do. When I say the 3rd Step Prayer asking for help, I always follow it with the 7th Step Prayer to get out of the way so got can work through me instead of around me.
Perhaps you should try to just let go, not feed into your anger, which is what I am hearing, and if things are right, you will know what to do. You may want the job, but is it right for you at this time. Is it God's will or your will? Do you not have to be nominated for the position?
I have been GSR, Inter-Group Rep, Secretary, Treasurer, Greeter (my favorite) and kitchen duty. I have gone into detox, the jail and treatment centers. That means nothing, it is what am I doing in today. I don't even belong to an AA group and only go to a meeting when I feel I need one because my focus has been Al-Anon.
I have gone for outside counselling over the years to 5 different people. A couple of them I saw twice. I have had a sponsor, co-sponsor and a spiritual advisor from AA and in today I have an Al-Anon sponsor and a spiritual advisor.
I have to continue to grow and change. When I go to a meeting in today, it is generally for an attitude adjustment. It isn't about how long I have been sober or in service, it is about me and my sobriety in today. Am I walking my talk, am I working the steps, am I helping and working with others.
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Post by DJgrrl on Oct 9, 2010 15:51:00 GMT -5
I'm not sure what someone would do in this case for the traditins. Someoen suggested to me to call the District Rep. I am not sure I feel like doing that. When someoen told me who it was/is.. I realized the same issue is happenign at District. I call it the old wives club. Same people rotating the position. There are 2 groups in my area.. same thing. there use to be 4.
Oh well.. as another Alanon person told me .. Alanon is not the only answer. I have been looking for a church. turnign it over to God. I have seen oen that is quite healthy here. Growing and people from other churches leaving to go there. I've gone a few times but didn't feel safe the alst tiem. I saw an Uncle who for me is not a safe person. I reached out to someone who goes to that church this week. I told her I needed someoen I could trust to go with me. I will not go alone. I told her about the sexual abuse by females and how connected my family is in this town. She shared with me the same thing happend to ehr daughter.
Anyway.. she said she wishes she could go with me but is unavialable tomorrow. She will try and get this other Minister I know to go with me. She said if not she suggested I stay home.
I am so grateful to ehr for lsitenign with empathy. She was kind and said she wishes she was beside me and could give me a hug. Anyway.. baby steps. I'm not goign to Alanon here anymore. too sick for me. I am not sure I have the energy to travel out of town either. I truly believe that is why in some groups and areas the older people are still doing service..and I've heard them complain over and pover about no one else stepping up. from ym exeperience .. even when I stpped up others could or woudl not let go. Very sad. Gopind to go where I can be of use and accepted and my gifts and voice is welcomed.
Love to you all.
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Post by caressa on Oct 9, 2010 18:58:36 GMT -5
Good to see you back. Thanks for sharing. It is sad that only a few do the service. It has been that way for a long time. Here it isn't so much about not letting go, but no one willing to step up to the plate and take over.
Most people don't know the traditions and don't want to learn. It is my belief that they are meant for our homes as well as our home groups. For many years, I couldn't do service in Al-Anon because I was a member of AA too. I wanted to go into the jail for Al-Anon but because I was going for AA and NA, the volunteer co-ordinator said it would be a conflict of interest. Now I just go in for Al-Anon.
From what you have shared, it looks like a lot of people with control issues. I found that I could identify with the people in church, but they couldn't always identify with me. I wasn't open to sympathy votes, I just wanted someone I could sit down with and share one on one and to do that, I had to go to the rooms of recovery. Didn't matter which one for me, I felt comfortable on both sides of the street. Yet, there were people in Al-Anon who were not comfortable with me, because I am a recovering alcoholic/addict. I was one of the As and not to be trusted.
The As in turn look skeptical about Al-Anon. It wasn't about them, it was about me and what I needed in the moment for my recovery. For some it is an ego thing, for others, it is ego deflating. What it should be, is Divinely Inspired and with a purpose and intent of carrying the message to those still suffering from this terrible disease.
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Post by DJgrrl on Oct 9, 2010 19:18:49 GMT -5
Great Carissa. I went to a lot of AA meetings. I don't consider myself an alcoholic but do have issues with food. that's what I turn to. I think it is very sad that Alanon does not use the Big Book as Conference approvaed Literature. I think in Alanon there is too much that gets lost in translation.
Of course the person I am who wanted to get the emssage, i read the book on my own. I found it fabulous. I liekd it told me I wasn't the only sick one. I thought i was all me. I also found in the one group I went to that there wasn't fellowship. it was a sleect few people. Others I knopw were lookign to me to break the cycle but I couldn't do it alone. My firend in the gorup who passed away had meetings outside of the regular group. I felt supported by her but we were never able to crack the one nut. Actaulyl I felt scared to do that. Thats what I feard was retaliation. Not unlike my own home. The sponsor I ahd left the program..and I did find I could relate to others. i could relate to OA members although there are no OA meetings in this area. My issues are women issues not man issues.
The woman from church I met di say that she would be willing to meet me outside for coffee and that mornigns were best. I called her this afternoon and she was very gracious. That is a lto more than I have ahd from alanon members. I wanted to chat with some mebrs to see about statting another group. If elt it in my gut that others felt the same way. i try to fill that emptiness by going to toher groups and takign on a lot of service.. didn
t work. I am fidnign that I need to relax and take it easy and have fun. I went Yard saleing today and to a 2nd hand store. that was fun and so grateful that I got 2 pairs of pants . Also I have been to one of the food banks here and I diisliek it. I thankfully found another oen that is so clean and respectful and dignified. they let me pick my own foood from the selection. Aslo the Employee who runs it was in workshops with me. I was a volunteer for oen of ehr programs. She was very lovign and warm. I am goign to pay for the strength to continue to reach out and feed my spirit what it needs. Gentleness and fun.
I ahve a great sticker set on my door to celebrate the season. Also has made my neghbours happy. I might join the choir at church if I can find someone to take my hand. For tonight, I am going to take another Tylenol and crawl into bed. My body is hurting from coughing. And I am exhasuted. I am so ok with being alone on the Thanksgivign..cause I know i won't be lonely with God here. Would ahve been nice to have an onlien meeting that day. or maybe next year I'll find others who are alone.
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Post by caressa on Oct 9, 2010 19:57:54 GMT -5
Sounds like a plan. It sounds like you need to give yourself some TLC. Let go of what is not yours and let other people find their own way. Take care of you.
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Post by DJgrrl on Oct 11, 2010 10:49:30 GMT -5
WOW.. the dysfunctiona runs deep here. Even at District level it is the same old wives club.. unless there is a new widowed lonely wife or newcomer who ahsn't tuned into there instincts and learned about the Traditions. So sad.. no wonder online meetings bloom and phone meetings and no one grows !! I pray that God directs em to the place where I can grow. Not only grow but be supported to grow.
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Post by caressa on Oct 11, 2010 12:33:13 GMT -5
Dear DJ,
I have found that sometimes my growth is just being aware of my own powerlessness. All we can change is ourselves. Often, it is me and my attitude and learning to accept what is in the moment, knowing that ALL things are subject to change.
As I mentioned before, you want to get in there like a dirty shirt and stir things up and people are set in their ways and THEIR traditions and don't see things your way. I remember a woman who wanted to be president of the ladies auxiliary. She wanted ot so bad and was all gung ho and she would say, "When I get into office, WE will do." When she got into office, there was no we and it was all about her and for the most part, she tried to push me out of the way but I never went very far. I wasn't always in her face, but I was close by. That was the Legion and that was prior to recovery. In today, I try to go with group conscience and what is good for the whole. I don't always agree. I don't have to like it to accept it. It is about finding out what is right for me. My primary purpose is to carry the message to the addict/or addict's family, who is still hurting. That includes alcohol and any other substance abuse. I am powerless over people, places and things. Service can be an obsession too.
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Post by DJgrrl on Jan 5, 2011 16:31:13 GMT -5
Hello Friends,
Wow.. new year.. full of hope. I got a job. I am not sure I am suited for the particular area. things I don't have control over. Although I am told it is an open door policy. One of the managers has been great with me. I shared some of my feelings with her. The main manager didn't call me but it was the holidays and I am new. They also don't have a great environemnt to talk in. Ex. privacy. very small place. It works as a team.. but I can't see how trad 1 can work when ultimately it is a business and someone is paid more and appointed I guess.. the trusted servant.
I got an unexpected call from an Alanon member yesterday. They were looking for help. I may go back to my Alanon groups and see if anythign has changed. Although I am finding a local church works like an Alanon meeting/ AA / NA and is very healthy. .. for today. I get a lto from it. It's only short steps aways and is alive and healthy. Bursting at the seems.. bigger than Alanon area.
I love they have social events open to everyone not just a certain clique. Hmmm.. I think I found my answer. I am the newcoemr again thoguh.. but there are lots of people I know that I can reach out to slowly building trust. Keep n Open Mind... and Alanon friend told me Alanon is not the onyl answer... god bless and thank you all.
Out of isolation and loving it..
Jackie
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. I will be back looking for Lin and others.