Do I really need help?

[themostanonymous]

I know this may seem like a strange subject line as I'm sure that 99% of the people that ask this question do, but I feel like I'm in a weird position. Let me explain...

I grew up in a happy, very religious, and wealthy family. Neither of my parents drank at all as a result of my great grandfather being an alcoholic. When I was 14 I was first introduced to pot. I smoked occasionally and by the time I was 15 I smoked daily. Daily smoking and lying about it to my (amy) girlfriend resulted in our first and second break up. It was no big deal to me at the time but now I see how this pattern repeated. About that same time I started to drink. I only drank on the weekends and not all of them. When I was a sophomore in highschool I moved on to Adderall (amphetamines). I initially used them to help me study in school. My use slowly increased until I was up to 140 mg a day. I would stay up for days, but no one would notice. During my junior year I had chest pains so bad that I told the student next to me what I had taken so that he could tell the doctors if I did have a heart attack. After that I stopped using the drug. I started doing ecstasy (only 5-6 times in my life) and Mushrooms (about 8 times) but these drugs I've never been addicted to by any means.
My senior year I continued to smoke daily and used benzodiazapines (Xanax, Valium) and pain killers (Vicodin, Roxycontin, percocet). During my senior year I was the number 1 wrestler in California after getting second in the state my junior year. I took the xanax the night before regionals and that was when I lost to some scrub. I'm convinced it was the after affects of the drug, I would of destroyed the two kids I lost to. This was the first time that drugs really affected my life. I was very angry at myself and started drinking/partying and still doing the pills.
When I went to college I decided I wanted to change my life. I stopped doing all of the drugs but continued to drink heavily. I want you to understand that's college and i went to a huge party school. I would go out 3-4 night a week depending on my class load. Sometimes we day drank but not that often. After my freshmen year I joined a fraternity that had a moderate use of drugs and drank heavily. I began smoking pot again on a regular basis (5-6 times a day) and the drinking increased. I began to use cocaine when I partyed but never really had a liking for it (it seemed like way overpriced adderall). I started taking adderall again to help with school and became semi addicted. I got to the point where I would steal adderall from my friends to get them. Drinking level increased during this time but not that much.
When my junior year hit I stopped doing adderall and smoked/drank continuously. After my 21st I drank over 10 beers for 32 days (I kept track thinking it was cool and fratty). Typically on party night 10 beers would turn into 20 or more. Once I noticed I was drinking way too much I started smoking pot as a subsitute. I smoked daily and drank 3 night a week or so with a few beers during the day and maybe two in the morning.
I left out the fact that I had been dating a girl for 2 years at this time. The girl I want to marry and the girl that has recommended me to get help. We had broken up the summer before my junior year started because I had lied about doing drugs to her. We started talking again after the 1st semester junior year. I stopped all my drug usage at this point. I was committed to this girl, but my drinking started to pick up. It started with getting blackout at the bar (wasn't that rare of an occurence in college). Then I found myself drinking in the afternoon or morning before class. I got to the point where I would usually have 3-4 beers in me by 11am. I almost never drank liquor. I'd drink after class as well. On my "non-drinking" days I would usually have anywhere from 4-8 beers. Drinking days were usually 20-24 and these occured 3 times a week.
My girlfriend broke up with me after I cheated on her as a result of taking cocaine and drinking. I don't mean that these were an excuse, only a small factor. I take full responsibility for my actions. Anyway after we broke up the drinking continued. I don't feel like I'm out of control. On the weekends I wake up at noon and start drinking at 3-4 pm. I usually drink about 20 beers when I go out. Now that I'm back at home I don't drink as much. I've gone for 4 days without any withdrawal symptoms, but usually when I don't drink I do a different drug (benzo's or pot).
I don't feel like I have a physical addiction to alcohol or any drug at all. For some reason I just must get SOME fix. It doesn't really matter what it is. I think I would make a fool of myself at AA meetings because I'm not your hardcore alcoholic. I wouldn't even say that I'm mentally addicted to alcohol, just a fix in general. I can change my drug of choice at any time, I just feel like alcohol is the most socially acceptable.
I also want to add that while I have some substance abuse problems and I admit I have an addictive personality my life is not in the nutster yet. I have a 3.67 GPA and I'm on my way to medical school. I have a great group of friends and a wonderful girlfriend (ex). A supporting family and everything. I just for some reason can't beat this.
I don't think rehab is what I need. I don't have that physical addiction to deal with. Do you think I need therapy? or maybe I'm just being weak. I always tell myself that I can stop, but everytime I try I either come back a few months later or switch to a different drug. I've tried to stop doing substances 4 or 5 times without any success. My girlfriend told me to go to therapy because she did for her anxiety problem. I'm not sure if they can help me in the same way they helped her... Any suggestions on how I can get help would be GREATLY appreciated. Im really thankful for those who actually made it through the whole post.

Also does anyone know any links that could explain these addiction stopping "tools" I keep hearing about? Thanks

[Lin]

i posted a reply to you in another section. Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
LIN

[caressa]

Thank you so much for sharing. It isn't the substances I used, the problem was me. The drugs and alcohol were but a symptom of my disease. I went to a treatment center, but that was for me to detox in a safe place and learn some basic tools for living without using. In order to heal, I had to go to meetings. I went to AA, NA, and Al-Anon to deal with all my issues. It was about me finding me instead of living my life dependent on people, places and things. My relationships were just as much of an addiction as my alcohol and pill problem. Every time I picked up, a lost a piece of me and there wasn't much of me left when I came into recovery. I lived my life through others and had no identity of my own. I was what I thought everyone else wanted me to be.

It wasn't how much I used, it was what the drugs and alcohol did to me when I used them. I found that I couldn't use safely. One was too many, a thousand isn't enough, and my drug of choice was always more.

I didn't quit for ever, I made a decision to live one day at a time. Just for this 24-hours, I choose not to use. I choose to be clean and sober. I ask for help in the morning and give thanks at night for another day.

God Bless.

[majestyjo]

Only you can decide if you need help. You don't have to crash land or go all the way to the dump and be at death's door. It is up to you to say, "Enough is enough, I want help."

Pills were dried up alcohol for me. As I shared with an old friend I run into yesterday, "I went to AA for my denial, I went to NA for identification, I knew I was an addict. My drug of choice was more. I went to Al-Anon and found myself. I found that I had 3-33 reasons to be there." My father died as a result of his alcoholism, my mother died at the age of 40 as a result of her food addiction, I was married to an alcoholic, I was in two abusive marriages, I have a son who is a self-admitted alcoholic/addict, and I am a recovering alcoholic/addict. Just for today, I choose not to use.

What ever fellowship you identify with is good, yet I went to AA in complete denial. I did not think I was an alcoholic. I came to realize that I used alcohol like I used everything else in my life. It was about me getting honest with me and recognizing that I had a problem. I had to quit comparing and start identifying. I had the alcoholic symptoms. I didn't drink like they did. I didn't do street drugs, except for trying pot and hash ONCE, yet I was still an addict. I had the thinking problem, not the drinking and drugging problem. I still have thinking problems that can be a real challenge, if I don't apply the program. The 12 Steps became a way of life. They saved mine.