|
Post by caressa on Jun 16, 2008 13:19:44 GMT -5
This isn't an Al-Anon reading, but it carries an Al-Anon message to me. In fact, I was talking to my Al-Anon sponsor yesterday and she said some things I didn't really want to listen to. The reason being, it was things I had been saying to myself but didn't really want to acknowledge.
I know what the right thing to do is, I just don't always want to do it. I am grateful that my Higher Power loves me anyway.
|
|
|
Post by SunnyGirl on Jan 25, 2009 12:43:54 GMT -5
I have to work really hard to focus on what people are saying. There are times when I will watch their lips and my brain will wander and instead of listening I am thinking about something altogether different. Other times, when I am listening, I am weighing it and conclude that what they are saying is not what they are thinking. (God has not blessed me with ESP)
I need to focus on my listening....
I need to quit judging other people.....
I need to keep the focus on my recovery......
Peace on the journey, SunnyGirl
|
|
|
Post by caressa on Jan 26, 2009 8:20:15 GMT -5
There was a guy, who was in and out of the program, before he could finally get honest and stay sober. He kept saying at meetings, "Take the cotton batton out of your ears and put it into your mouth. Shut up and listen. Everybody wanted him to do it and stop repeating himself. The good thing is that he is sober today and still saying it, but more importantly walking his talk.
I had trouble listening because of the internal dialogue going on in my head. It was mostly my insecurities and my indecisiveness have a battle about the what ifs; do I, don't I; and should I, shouldn't I! It helped when my sponsor told me to stop shoulding all over the place and clean up my act.
As you say focus is important. I try to look at the person who is sharing and let them know that their words are important. That is why I like to share on the board to validate the person's point of view, express my own experience, add a new viewpoint, or just agree to disagree.
For so many years I was told that my words were not important. It is nice to get validation and affirmation outside of myself and my HP, although it isn't necessary in today, it is still nice to receive.
I don't often stroke ego and try not to blow my own too far out of proportion, but as the saying goes, we are all only human. I hate that phrase. That is another story. So many people use it as an excuse not to work on themselves and to change who they are and allow themselves to be who they can truly be.
As the saying goes, it is a program of reflection. I found myself in the people around me. In order to do that, I had to listen and learn and learn to listen.
|
|
|
Post by SunnyGirl on Jan 26, 2009 22:13:30 GMT -5
Today, I re-read the "Reflection for the Day" and the part above jumped out at me. Do I sometimes come off as having a "holier-than-thou" attitude? If I want to be honest with myself, I'd have to say yes. It's not intentional..... But I can see how some might think so!
My younger sis is one of my qualifiers, lately most of our conversations have gone badly. What she thinks of me, is none of my business..... But, I refuse to listen to her blame me for all her problems! What she considers "holier-than-thou", is my never being addicted to drugs or alcohol and/or my reactions to her when she is tweeking. I have no patience to listen to her when she is using and she knows this.
I feel compassion for those who are addicted..... But I lack empathy for them when they are activly using. I thank God that I have never had the compulsion to use or abuse drugs or booze, but I don't feel like I am better, just fortunate I never picked it up..... ~SG~
|
|
|
Post by caressa on Jan 27, 2009 0:07:14 GMT -5
The game your sister is playing is normal for an addict. I know that when I was in active addiction it was always some other person's fault for everything that went wrong in my life. Both my sister have said that they feel that if they had made the decision to drink they would have drank alcoholicly. I believe the reason they didn't was they were home with dad and I left to go to the city when I was 17. Our mother died when I was 21 and they were 17 & 18. When my mother died, my father brought the alcohol to the house and it became a part of their lives. I was married when I was 21 but drinking wasn't a regular thing and my disease didn't make itself known until I was 26. The thinking was there but not the drinking. I had been put on valium at 16.
We all came from the same dysfunctional background and each handled it in her own way. My sister got pregnant and married young and my other sister had a lot of mental problems and she too was in an abusive relationship.
It is my understanding that not wanting to take responsibility is part of the adult child way of thinking and certainly it is for codependency and addiction. I get a holier-than-thou attitude from my younger sister. I remember at my first job a girl told me she thought I was very sophistacated and a bit of a snob and she was afraid of me. She said she was glad she got to know the real me and didn't let her fear keep her from making friends with me. She said I was a lot of fun. We worked in the head office and went to the beauty shop and spray coloured each others hair. She was blonde and I changed her into a brunette and I was a brunette who became a redhead with a silver, gold and a dark green streak.
In truth, I was scared and feeling very much the country girl and it was a mask I wore for many years. It was to cover up for low self-esttem, no self-confidence and insecurities. Bravado always seemed to be the cure for low self-esteem and fears of rejection, abandonment, and lack of acceptance.
Later the alcohol became the crutch and the friend who I thought was giving me what I needed to cope with life, then it became my enemy. I didn't really know how bad I was. It wasn't until I became aware and had a spiritual awakening that I reached out and asked for help. My awakening was when I heard a girl say, "I don't want to be like her down the hall," and knowing she was talking about me. I was living in the YWCA on the fourth floor and there were lots of girls there but I knew she was talking about me. I picked up the phone and put a call into the social worker.
It is hard to have compassion for that person in today. It some days feels like she never existed. I can have empathy for someone who is using and doesn't know there is a better way. I do have problems with those who do know and choose to use anyway. I know it is a disease. I know they can't quit on their own. All I can do is pray for them and hope they find the desire to change. I can't help them and that part of me finds it hard to accept. If I can change anyone can. I was one of the really sick ones and if it works for me, it will work for anyone.
If I have a holier-than-thou attitude it is toward those who have relapsed or have substituted other things like work, gambling and food and call themselves sober. The disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and I must never forget that. It is only by God's Grace that I found recovery and have stayed.
|
|
|
Post by SunnyGirl on Jan 27, 2009 12:45:08 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing Caressa....
Hugs, SunnyGirl
|
|
|
Post by majestyjo on Aug 9, 2016 16:46:21 GMT -5
May my Higher Power keep me from being "holier-than-thou" with anyone whose manner or language or opposite point of view or apparent lack of knowledge turns me off to what they are saying.[/img] Ii hope I don't come across like this. I try to share my experience, strength and hope with others. It is what happened to me. I have gone to several fellowships over the years and belong across the hall from Al-Anon, but I have one reason to be there, but 3-33 reasons to go to Al-Anon. I don't have to have the last word. I try not to cross talk unless invited to do so. It doesn't happen very often, but I have been known to pass. What I try not to do is be so busy thinking about what I am going to say, that I don't hear other people when they share. You don't have much room for any thoughts you hear if you head is busy with internal chatter and chaos. I found it best to say the AA 3rd and 7th Step prayers to get out of my own way.
|
|
|
Post by caressa222 on Aug 10, 2020 22:58:08 GMT -5
Words that stuck with me today. We're "Use it or lose it.". I think that a to many life skills. Some have to start anew and develop new life skills. It is amazing, we can surprise ourselves as to what we can do
|
|