new and needing advice

[pantheonangel]

Hello! I am going to try to get this to make sense.

I am currently seeking advice regarding my alcoholic ex boyfriend. We broke up three months ago - when he came out and admitted to being an alcoholic. He needed time to work on his problem. I gave up drinking and have been completely sober for 3 months and haven't had any problem with it. There have been several times when he acted weird and I called him out and asked if he'd been drinking. He told me he hadn't. Well....he lied. I shouldn't be surprised, he was lying to me before. Of course he would lie to me again.

Well, I found his stash of empty bottles Monday afternoon. I sat him down after work and talked with him. I started with just talking with him about it the disease and telling him that he can be honest with me. He continued to lie and deny. So I brought out the bottles. He broke down and was honest. How honest he was I don't know. I know he wants help. He says he wants help but sometimes he doesn't act like it. He will go to meetings diligently then suddenly he's not going. His behavior will change (he acts like he did when he was drinking) and then suddenly he will be all about going to AA. I know that he needs help and he knows it. I know its his choice but I want to be there if he needs help.


Okay this is my question: Should I tell his family? I told him I would continue to stand by him but he had to be honest with his family. And he had 1 week or I would tell them. He agreed that telling them would be the best route. He uses there house to sneek away and drink. He thinks he can get away with it there. His parents are not home often and they keep a full stocked liquor cabinet. When he has problems with bills, they give him money. 3 months ago he admitted to his family he was an alcoholic and was going to get help. I know they are trying to be supportive of his efforts. But I don't think they realize that there 'helping' is actually enabling. I have worked very hard at establishing boundaries with him. I really REALLY want to sit down and talk with them about it. I just don't believe he will be honest with them. He knows exactly how to manipulate his family. And when he does sit down and talk with them I want them to be prepared and not like a deer in the headlights and react badly and hurt him more. Should I prepare them or trust him? He just lies soo much when it comes to the alcohol.

I am going back and forth with myself on this issue. Even if I don't like it any advice would be helpful.

[MrDuck]

Hi there and welcome to the site. I am Ron an alki from Minnesota. For what it is worth have been sober for 25 years and seen a fair amount come can go in AA.

Should you tell / warn his parents. Yes, no, sure, maybe, why not. Without knowing all or more facts one can give an opinion but as to if it is right or not. mmmmmmmmmmmmm don't know.

Let me just make some general statements and comments. It appears as though you care but it also appears as though you are controling. Maybe some like to be controlled but must good alkis don't. Most of us have a pat response to control and it usually is a middle finger. One of the things that getting sober in AA is based on is honesty. That being said if he can't be honest with them than I would guess the quality of soberity isn't going to be of high quality either. One gets out of the program what one puts in. If one wants half arse soberity than one only has to do part of what it takes.

I doubt if anyone here or anywhere else has the right answer for you. But your on the right track. Ask enough people to get their opinions and like the saying goes, take what you need and leave the rest. Might be that if you put together what 10 people say it will be right for you. Being open minded to what others say sure helps. Whatever you do, you need to do what is right for you and what you can live with. You have to live with yourself wether he is in or out of the picture. The one you have to or should be responsible to and for is you. You can pray for him and others and offer help. But if they do not want to be responsible for themselves than there isn't a d**n thing you can do for them. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Thanks for popping in. Don't be scared to post. Nice to see new names around here.

Take care and wish you the best.

Ron

[pantheonangel]

Thanks Ron for your response. And you are right. I am controlling. I have such a hard time stepping back and letting go especially when I see him struggle. I have done alot of reading of the other posts on this site and have found it very helpful. I really liked the qtip(quit taking it personal) acronym. And have used it several times in the last few days. I am taking steps to detach and am setting boundaries with him. When he asked me for help he asked me to check on him regarding his drinking. Soo I did. And he just pushed me away. I am starting/trying/working on it to just let go and not help. If he wants help he will ask.

I feel compelled to speak to his parents though. I just don't want to move on until I know that I am not the only one in his life who knows the truth. Perhaps this is selfish and controlling. Perhaps I should just shrug my shoulders and give up. He still tells me he wants me to ask if he's been drinking but I have started to not want to ask anymore. I am tired of hearing the lies. I just assume he's going to lie. Its all sooo disheartening.