~ NEWCOMER'S WELCOME ~

[SunnyGirl]

NEWCOMER WELCOME

As a newcomer you may feel that you are here tonight for the alcoholic…
that your presence here may teach you how to stop his or her drinking.
The truth is you are here because of the alcoholic and not for the alcoholic.
You will soon learn you did not cause the alcoholic to drink,
you cannot control the drinking, nor can you cure the alcoholic.
You are here for yourself. You and you alone are responsible for
dealing with your own pain. This is your program, it is your recovery
from the effects of the disease of alcoholism.

You will find love, understanding, and a lot of hope from the AlAnon Family Group.
The people around you tonight are experiencing in varying degrees the hurt,
the anger, the anxiety that you are experiencing. We in AlAnon share
our experiences because it helps us to focus on ourselves and our recovery.
We do this with the use of the AlAnon tools of the program
(steps, slogans, literature) which will be provided to you.

AlAnon will work for you if you allow it to. It's as effective
as you make it. It's the safe place, the right place to be.
Feel free to ask any questions or you may feel more comfortable just listening.
That's fine, too. There are no "musts" in AlAnon.

Finally, what you say or hear here and who you see here tonight
stays in this room. Your anonymity is protected at all times.

Twelve Steps

• 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—
  that our lives had become unmanageable.
  
  
• 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves
  could restore us to sanity.
  
  
• 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the
  care of God as we understood Him.
  
  
• 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  
  
• 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human
  being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  
  
• 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects
  of character.
  
  
• 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
  
  
• 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became
  willing to make amends to them all.
  
  
• 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible,
  except when to do so would injure them or others.
  
  
• 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were
  wrong promptly admitted it.
  
  
• 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our
  conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only
  for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
  
  
• 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these
  steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice
  these principles in all our affairs.

Twelve Traditions

• 1. Our common welfare should come first; personal progress
  for the greatest number depends upon unity.
  
  
• 2. For our group purpose there is but one authority—
  a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience.
  Our leaders are but trusted servants—they do not govern.
  
  
• 3. The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for
  mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family group,
  provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only
  requirement for membership is that there be a problem of
  alcoholism in a relative or friend.
  
  
• 4. Each group should be autonomous, except in matters
  affecting another group or Al-Anon or AA as a whole.
  
  
• 5. Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help
  families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps
  of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic
  relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of
  alcoholics.
  
  
• 6. Our Family Groups ought never endorse, finance or lend our
  name to any outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property
  and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim. Although a
  separate entity, we should always co-operate with Alcoholics
  Anonymous.
  
  
• 7. Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining
  outside contributions.
  
  
• 8. Al-Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever non-
  professional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
  
  
• 9. Our groups, as such, ought never be organized; but we may
  create service boards or committees directly responsible to those
  they serve.
  
  
• 10. The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues;
  hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
  
  
• 11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than
  promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the
  level of press, radio, films, and TV. We need guard with special
  care the anonymity of all AA members.
  
  
• 12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions,
  ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.

Spiritual Principles of the 12 Steps:
Honesty, Acceptance, Surrender, Hope, Commitment, Faith,
Courage, Willingness, Humility, Unconditional love, Perseverance,
Open-mindedness, God-Centeredness, Awareness, Vigilance,
Self-discipline, Sharing and caring, Patience, Forgiveness,
Optimism, Selflessness, Compassion, Consideration, Kindness,
Positive thinking, Responsibility, Tolerance, Trust, Unity, Gratitude
and Service.

[SunnyGirl]

Al-Anon's Promises
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• If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of
  the Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become
  mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy,
  fulfillment, and wonder.
  
  
• Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress
  will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we
  are both worthy of love and loving.
  
  
• We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to
  accept love in return.
  
  
• Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be
  able to perceive reality and recognize truth.
  
  
• Courage and fellowship will replace fear.
  
  
• We will be able to risk failure to develop new, hidden talents.
  
  
• Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope
  to share with others.
  
  
• We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our
  emotions, but we will not be slaves to them.
  
  
• Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame.
  
  
• As we gain the ability to forgive ourselves, our families, and the
  world, our choices will expand.
  
  
• With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows.
  
  
• Serenity and peace will have meaning for us as we allow our
  lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with
  God’s ease, balance, and grace.
  
  
• No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in life’s
  paradox, mystery, and awe.
  
  
• We will laugh more.
  
  
• Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as
  we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot
  do for ourselves.
  
  
• Can we really grow to such proportions? Only if we accept life
  as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward
  wholeness.
  
  
• Then we suddenly begin to notice these gifts appearing. We see
  them in those who walk beside us.
  
  
• Sometimes slowly or haltingly, occasionally in great bursts of
  brilliance, those who work the Steps change and grow toward
  light, toward health, and toward their Higher Power. Watching
  others, we realize this is also possible for us.
  
  
• Will we ever arrive? Feel joyful all the time? Have no cruelty,
  tragedy, or injustice to face? Probably not, but we will acquire
  growing acceptance of our human fallibility, as well as greater
  love and tolerance for each other.
  
  
• Self-pity, resentment, martyrdom, rage, and depression will
  fade into memory.
  
  
• Community rather than loneliness will define our lives. We will
  know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to
  contribute—and that is enough.
  

From "Survival to Recovery", page 269-70 by Al-Anon Family Groups [/COLOR]

[SunnyGirl]

10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem

The pain and suffering of addiction is not limited to the alcoholic or drug addict. Family members share a tremendous burden as well. Shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger, and frustration are common. Everyday feelings for family members concerened about a loved one’s drinking or drug use. In most cases, the family has endured the brunt of the consequences for the loved ones addiction, including the stress of worry, financial costs, and life adjustments made to accommodate the addicted person’s lifestyle. Addiction leads the addict away from positive influences of the family. The disease twists love, concern, and a willingness to be helpful into a host of enabling behaviors that only help to perpetuate the illness.

Family and friends are usually very busy attempting to help the alcoholic or addict, but the help is of the wrong kind. If directed toward effective strategies and interventions, however, these people become powerful influences in helping the loved one “hit bottom” and seek professional help. At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful consequences of there loved one’s disease and cease their enabling behavior. Here are 10 ways family members can help there loved one and themselves:

1) Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction.

Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA meetings, and Alanon/Naranon. Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial. Only when we understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to respond to its symptoms more effectively. Realizing that addiction is a progressive disease will assist the family members to accept there loved as a “sick person” rather than a “bad person.” This comprehension goes a long way toward helping overcome the associated shame and guilt. No one is to blame. The problem is not caused by bad parenting or any other family shortcoming. Attendance at open AA/NA meetings is important: families need to see that not only are they not alone in there experience, but also that there are many other families just like theirs involved in this struggle. Families will find a reason to be hopeful when they hear the riveting stories of recovery shared at these meetings.

2) Don’t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them experience the full consequence of their disease

Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be “loved” into recovery. Recovering people experience a “hitting bottom.” This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It has been said that “truth” and “consequences” are the foundations of insight and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing addicted persons from there consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realized.

3) Don’t support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict.

Money is the lifeblood of addiction. Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use. Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.

4) Don’t analyze the loved one’s drinking or drug use. Don’t try to figure it out or look for underlying causes.

There are no underlying causes. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others. This “paralysis by analysis” is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself.

5) Don’t make idle threats. Say what mean and mean what you say.

Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or addict. Rather “actions speak louder than words” applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the addicted person.

6) Don’t extract promises

A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they don’t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments. Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one.

7) Don’t preach or lecture

Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person. A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation. If an alcoholic or addict could be “talked into” getting sober, many more people would get sober.

8.) Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger

These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one. For a given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount-or more-of pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides. This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members—they get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack from those decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity. The family then does not follow through on their decision to not enable.

9) Don’t accommodate the disease

Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family’s home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting one’s work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning one’s day around events involving the alcoholic or addict.

10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities

Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one’s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned. Each of these suggestions should be approached separately as individual goals. No one can make an abrupt change or adjustment from the behaviors that formed while the disease of addiction progressed. I can not over-emphasize the need for support of family members as they attempt to make changes. Counseling agencies must provide family education and programs to share this information. They must offer opportunities for families to change their attitudes and behaviors. The most powerful influence in helping families make these changes is Al-Anon/Naranon. By facing their fears and weathering the emotional storms that will follow, they can commit to ending their enabling entanglements.

The disease of addiction will fervently resist a family’s effort to say “no” and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited in an effort to get the family to resume “business as usual.” There will always be certain family members or friends who will resist the notion of not enabling, join forces with the sick person, and accuse the family of lacking love. This resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family to overcome. Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the alcoholic or addict. Being truly helpful is what these suggestions are really about. Only when the full weight of the natural consequences of addiction is experienced by the addict - rather than by the family- can there be reason for hope of recovery.

By Ed Hughes, MPS

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear God,

I am powerless and my life is unmanageable without
your help and guidance. I come to you today because I
believe that You can restore and anew me to meet my
needs today.

Since I cannot manage my life and affairs, I have
decided to give them to You. I put my life, my will, my
thoughts, my desires and ambitions in Your hands.

I give You all of me: the good and the bad, the
character defects and shortcomings, my selfishness,
resentments and problems.

I know that You will work them out in accordance with
Your plan. Such as I am, take and use me in Your
service. Guide and direct my ways and show me what
to do for You.

I cannot control or change my friends or loved ones,
so I release them into Your care for Your loving hands to
do with as You will. Just keep me loving and free from
judging them. If they need changing, God You'll have to
do it; I can't.

Just make me willing and ready to be of service to You,
to have my shortcomings removed, and to do my best.

Help me to see how I have harmed others and make me
willing to make amends to them all. Keep me ever
mindful of thoughts and actions that harm myself and
others, and which separate me from Your light, love
and spirit. And when I commit these errors, make me
aware of them and help me to admit each one
promptly.

I am seeking to know You better, to love You more.
I am seeking the knowledge of Your will for me and the
power to carry it out.

Lord, teach me patience, and remind me that it is hard
work, but well worth the labor.

Guide me in all I do to remember that waiting is the
answer to some of my prayers, and that when I need
You, You will be there to help me.

~AMEN~

Taken from: As We Understand (pg. 214-215)

[SunnyGirl]

The following is a letter that appears in the booklet Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2009.
I found this letter to be particularly moving. It pretty much sums up what I’ve felt in my relationship with the alcoholic.

To an alcoholic, with love...

You’re an alcoholic. I thought you needed me, that’s why I fell in love with you. It was easier to delve into your drama than to look at my own issues.

I wasn’t the problem; you were. If only I could fix you, we could live like normal people, happily ever after. With blinders on, I didn’t want to acknowledge your alcoholism as a disease. It’s very hard, you see, because you weren’t losing your hair like a cancer. It’s a disease of the soul, and your soul was the last thing I was privy to. Mentally, I know you have an illness. Still, some days it’s hard for me to accept your actions as part of your disease.

I lectured, blamed, and scolded you for not being able to hold onto a job, drinking yourself into oblivion, and making yourself so sick you wanted to die. But I wasn’t accepting you for who you are. I was angry that you didn’t fulfill my lofty expectations and I reacted by attacking you with a torrent of hateful, vindictive words. I was holding onto my need for you to be what I wanted you to be. I should have looked at myself before casting stones. I added to the hatred you already felt for yourself. I am very sorry.

I’m ashamed of the things I did in the name of loving you. I wrote your résumé and set up job interviews. I drove you all over town. I covered for your illness so that your aging parents have no clue to this day that you end each night drunk, with a bottle in your hand, and begin each day with a new bottle. I spent money I didn’t have to give you what I thought you needed. The more loving and helpful I tried to be, the worse you became—and you turned away from me.

I let you use me and exploit me. But what did I get in return? You weren’t there for me when I needed emotional support. Adding insult to injury, you’d lie about where you’ve been or who you
were with. You’d make promises that gave me hope—and I always believed you.

I persevered in our relationship, even in the absence of affection and intimacy. I lied to myself that you loved me anyway. I accepted even the most mediocre gesture of caring. You shredded my heart and yet, I kept that ember of hope alive, thinking that maybe this time it will be
different, maybe this time he will realize just how much I mean to him. I still thought you would become the man I always knew you could be.

Was I in love? Or was I obsessed? You have your alcohol and your demons. I have you. You are my drug of choice. You were my world, you were my life. It was too painful for me to watch you dying before my eyes. I was lost and out of control. My pleas, threats, and ultimatums didn’t work. I had no more strategies to try.

Realizing my powerlessness, I got down on my knees and prayed. By the mercy of God, I found Al‑Anon. In Al-Anon meetings, I shared my story with others and learned that their stories were mine also. By listening to their experiences, I came to understand that you will find your own path, in your own time, without my help.

Whether you’re in my life or not, I still think about you. I still care about you and love you. But I’ve pulled my expectations down from the stratosphere. I’m exploring joy, forgiveness, and gratitude instead. More and more with each day’s passing, I’m finding love for myself and
my own life.

by Gloria R., from Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2009

[SunnyGirl]

My Declaration of Self-Esteem....

"I AM ME"

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything
that comes out of me is authentically me. Because I alone chose
it - I own everything about me. My body, my feelings, my mouth,
my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself
- I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears - I own all
my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted
with me - by so doing I can love me and be friendly with me in
all my parts.

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and
other aspects that I do not know - but as long as I am friendly
and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for
solutions to the puzzles, and for ways to find out more about
me - However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and
whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is
authentically - Me.

If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought and felt
turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting,
keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I
discarded - I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the
tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, to make
sense and order out of the world of people and things outside
of me - I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.


I AM ME and I AM OKAY



© Virginia Satir, 1975.

[SunnyGirl]

Progress not perfection....

It’s Okay…

• It’s okay to stop the enabling and detach with love.
  
  
• It’s okay to set boundaries.
  
  
• It’s okay to say “No” and to make “No” a complete sentence.
  
  
• It’s okay to change my mind.
  
  
• It’s okay to have a “slip” and revert back to old behaviors.
  
  
• It’s okay to take care of myself and to engage in what some
  (outside of the program) might call “selfish” behavior.
  
  
• It’s okay to work my Al-Anon program my way in my own time
  and to know that I will never do it perfectly and that all I can
  hope for is progress.
  
  
• It’s okay to believe that I’m going to be “okay”.
  
  
• It’s okay to back off from an argument or disagreement by
  saying, “You may be right” instead of being determined to “win”.
  
  
• It’s okay to forgive myself, understanding that I did the best
  I could at the time.
  
  
• It’s okay to “take what I like and leave the rest”.
  
  
• It’s okay to define my Higher Power exactly as I wish and to
  know that mine doesn’t have to match yours.
  - -Arlois M