Post by caressa on Jan 22, 2009 11:45:22 GMT -5
This program is so many things. But most of all it is one of humility. I remember a long timer saying if you hear someone say he has humility, you know he hasn't got it. I think I had been in the program for six years and it was something I never forgot. I can remember hearing another long-timer thanking me for speaking and said her heard a lot of humility in what I shared. I wasn't sure what it was.
I was told it was to become teachable. It wasn't about humiliation. That was something I had had all my life, especially before I came into the program. Admitting that I didn't know, that I didn't have the answers was foreign to me. The thought that my words meant something to someone totally floored me. In my marriages I had been told that my word meant nothing, that I wasn't important, and that I had to agree with my husband and have no thought of my own. Even though I had a responsible job and was good at it and my boss told me hated it when I was always right and had all the answers for him; he often put things onto me that I couldn't handle and was too much for one woman to do and yet I couldn't say 'No!' I tried to be superwoman, the be all and end all to everything and everyone. Total arrogates and ego. My using osculated because I figured I was a failure because I couldn't measure up and didn't know it wasn't normal to try to do the work of three people. He hired a girl to help me, then when things were slow, he asked me to leave and kept on the helper because he paid her less. The other girl was the his son's girlfriend so he felt he couldn't fire her. It ended up she left because she felt she couldn't work with him and the other girl's husband was transferred and she moved and he ended up calling me to come back. I left him when my pay cheque bounced three times and I had to open a new bank account again! He bought me an electronic typewriter and gave the title of office manager, when in fact I was more like a Girl Friday, instead of giving me a raise. It took a lot of courage to leave and a lot of it was false because of my using. When I came into recovery, I had to admit that my work had deteriorated and it had gotten to the 'thank God there is correction tape' and that I wasn't working to my full potential.
I knew nothing of asking for help; of being open to other's ideas other than my own; it was my way or the highway; and when the UI woman told my boss that they threw away the mold when they made me and she couldn't never find anyone else who could do what I did, that just topped the cake. I was indispensable you know. Oh Lord, it is hard to be humble when you are perfect in every way. I even use to sing this song!
How quickly you learn in recovery. This is a 'we' program. I can't do it alone. Isolation is part of my disease not my recovery. I found myself reflected in the people around me.
When I look back, at one time in my life before I became active in my addiction and alcoholism, I did ask questions. I had an inquiring mind that wanted to know. I am not sure my motive and intent was for anyone's good but my own though. I worked in every department in an office (payroll, accounts payable, accounts receivable, inventory control, collection of accounts, sales, government contracts and export documentation) I was a secretary/bookkeeper. Not exactly a person who was stupid and yet my disease took away all my self-confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem. I wrote a column in two papers, co-editor of the Legion magazine and put on movie nites and euchre parties for seniors. I was the sports officer for 13 branches and put on euchre, cribbage, dart, and bowling tournaments and got up in front of a 100 women and yet when I came into recovery, I was so introverted that if I spoke - no one heard me. I was this empty shell who had to learn to find herself and find who she was because she spent so many years role playing, being who others wanted me to be.
As a fellow member of AA said to me once, "You may be a lot of things, but stupid isn't one of them." I have found that when you are trying to learn to balance you over compensate and find yourself on the other end of the scale. A lot of it was fear of not measuring up, that people wouldn't like me, wanting to belong and being a part of a crowd, looking for affirmation, acceptance and validation.
I value my words and thoughts today because I know they come from my Higher Power. Before recovery, they came from the Lower Self, instead of the Higher Self, because it was my addiction speaking. As long as I walk in the Sunshine of the Spirit, and walk with the God of my understanding, I have His knowingness and I am grateful for the gifts He has given me, even if it is a gift of gab. I was so empty when I got here. It took a lot of food to fill me up. I have been on a Spiritual Journey for the last 17 years. I don't want to know who God is because then I might stop looking for Him. I just know what He isn't and know who He is as He reveals Himself to me in today. I had a real Thirst that has never been quenched and look for food from many sources.
I don't want to be so arrogant to know who God is. God is an old tape and I had to make Him personal. I say He because that too is an old tape. I just can't seem to bring myself to type He/She/It every time. I remember many years ago Deano saying, "Oh No, now she is trying to change God's gender."
I just know He works in my life, doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. I need His help. He is my friend and walks with me and We see things through a day at a time.
Thanks for letting me share.
I was told it was to become teachable. It wasn't about humiliation. That was something I had had all my life, especially before I came into the program. Admitting that I didn't know, that I didn't have the answers was foreign to me. The thought that my words meant something to someone totally floored me. In my marriages I had been told that my word meant nothing, that I wasn't important, and that I had to agree with my husband and have no thought of my own. Even though I had a responsible job and was good at it and my boss told me hated it when I was always right and had all the answers for him; he often put things onto me that I couldn't handle and was too much for one woman to do and yet I couldn't say 'No!' I tried to be superwoman, the be all and end all to everything and everyone. Total arrogates and ego. My using osculated because I figured I was a failure because I couldn't measure up and didn't know it wasn't normal to try to do the work of three people. He hired a girl to help me, then when things were slow, he asked me to leave and kept on the helper because he paid her less. The other girl was the his son's girlfriend so he felt he couldn't fire her. It ended up she left because she felt she couldn't work with him and the other girl's husband was transferred and she moved and he ended up calling me to come back. I left him when my pay cheque bounced three times and I had to open a new bank account again! He bought me an electronic typewriter and gave the title of office manager, when in fact I was more like a Girl Friday, instead of giving me a raise. It took a lot of courage to leave and a lot of it was false because of my using. When I came into recovery, I had to admit that my work had deteriorated and it had gotten to the 'thank God there is correction tape' and that I wasn't working to my full potential.
I knew nothing of asking for help; of being open to other's ideas other than my own; it was my way or the highway; and when the UI woman told my boss that they threw away the mold when they made me and she couldn't never find anyone else who could do what I did, that just topped the cake. I was indispensable you know. Oh Lord, it is hard to be humble when you are perfect in every way. I even use to sing this song!
How quickly you learn in recovery. This is a 'we' program. I can't do it alone. Isolation is part of my disease not my recovery. I found myself reflected in the people around me.
When I look back, at one time in my life before I became active in my addiction and alcoholism, I did ask questions. I had an inquiring mind that wanted to know. I am not sure my motive and intent was for anyone's good but my own though. I worked in every department in an office (payroll, accounts payable, accounts receivable, inventory control, collection of accounts, sales, government contracts and export documentation) I was a secretary/bookkeeper. Not exactly a person who was stupid and yet my disease took away all my self-confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem. I wrote a column in two papers, co-editor of the Legion magazine and put on movie nites and euchre parties for seniors. I was the sports officer for 13 branches and put on euchre, cribbage, dart, and bowling tournaments and got up in front of a 100 women and yet when I came into recovery, I was so introverted that if I spoke - no one heard me. I was this empty shell who had to learn to find herself and find who she was because she spent so many years role playing, being who others wanted me to be.
As a fellow member of AA said to me once, "You may be a lot of things, but stupid isn't one of them." I have found that when you are trying to learn to balance you over compensate and find yourself on the other end of the scale. A lot of it was fear of not measuring up, that people wouldn't like me, wanting to belong and being a part of a crowd, looking for affirmation, acceptance and validation.
I value my words and thoughts today because I know they come from my Higher Power. Before recovery, they came from the Lower Self, instead of the Higher Self, because it was my addiction speaking. As long as I walk in the Sunshine of the Spirit, and walk with the God of my understanding, I have His knowingness and I am grateful for the gifts He has given me, even if it is a gift of gab. I was so empty when I got here. It took a lot of food to fill me up. I have been on a Spiritual Journey for the last 17 years. I don't want to know who God is because then I might stop looking for Him. I just know what He isn't and know who He is as He reveals Himself to me in today. I had a real Thirst that has never been quenched and look for food from many sources.
I don't want to be so arrogant to know who God is. God is an old tape and I had to make Him personal. I say He because that too is an old tape. I just can't seem to bring myself to type He/She/It every time. I remember many years ago Deano saying, "Oh No, now she is trying to change God's gender."
I just know He works in my life, doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. I need His help. He is my friend and walks with me and We see things through a day at a time.
Thanks for letting me share.
. I will be back looking for Lin and others.