Post by SaraLee on Nov 28, 2003 15:10:20 GMT -5
This past Tuesday, the alcoholic in my life and I planned to make a trip with some friends and see a show. It promised to be a very fun filled day for all of us. When we made the plans, he agreed to go, and I was thrilled, as it isn't often we go out together. The day before our trip was scheduled to happen, I reminded him of our plans, and his first response was "I don't want to go. I'm not going! You can go without me."
After living with unpredictible behavior from the alcoholic for so many years, I was not surprised by his response as he tends to cop out of activities at the last minute and often will try and start a fight to justify his refusal to participate.
This occasion was no acception, so when he said he wasn't going to go along, my first thought was to tell him he couldn't back out now...that it would ruin everyone's day...that he was being selfish and ignorant....and that he must honor our plans. I began to see red!
But I stepped back and didn't say those things because I knew it was a trap to put both of us on the defensive and I didn't want to fall for it. Takking a deep breath, I ignored his comments and choose instead to made a few comments that realted to the trip, but not personally to or about him.
I mused about how long it would take to get to our friends house, and what time the clock alarm should be set to make enough time available to get up and ready to leave in the morning. I didn't use the word "we" in any of my comments, just kept them general and non threatening but ones that encouraged two way conversation. And he offered some comments back to me about time, etc.
By the time I was done thinking out loud, he had softened, and he actually told me what time to set our alarm so we'd get up in time the next morning. And, the next morning, we both got up, got ready and went on our trip together.
THis was a great learning lesson for me to not get caught up in his attempts to push my buttons and start an argument that would ruin our day in some way.
I got to say though, that I used to get annoyed at the thought that I had to find manuavors to deal with the alcoholic, but the fact is, I do..... so I can help myself get through troubling times, and that is the point I have learned....that it is about how I can find ways to move through those times without disrupting my life and my serinity and that can be very freeing for me.
SaraLee
After living with unpredictible behavior from the alcoholic for so many years, I was not surprised by his response as he tends to cop out of activities at the last minute and often will try and start a fight to justify his refusal to participate.
This occasion was no acception, so when he said he wasn't going to go along, my first thought was to tell him he couldn't back out now...that it would ruin everyone's day...that he was being selfish and ignorant....and that he must honor our plans. I began to see red!
But I stepped back and didn't say those things because I knew it was a trap to put both of us on the defensive and I didn't want to fall for it. Takking a deep breath, I ignored his comments and choose instead to made a few comments that realted to the trip, but not personally to or about him.
I mused about how long it would take to get to our friends house, and what time the clock alarm should be set to make enough time available to get up and ready to leave in the morning. I didn't use the word "we" in any of my comments, just kept them general and non threatening but ones that encouraged two way conversation. And he offered some comments back to me about time, etc.
By the time I was done thinking out loud, he had softened, and he actually told me what time to set our alarm so we'd get up in time the next morning. And, the next morning, we both got up, got ready and went on our trip together.
THis was a great learning lesson for me to not get caught up in his attempts to push my buttons and start an argument that would ruin our day in some way.
I got to say though, that I used to get annoyed at the thought that I had to find manuavors to deal with the alcoholic, but the fact is, I do..... so I can help myself get through troubling times, and that is the point I have learned....that it is about how I can find ways to move through those times without disrupting my life and my serinity and that can be very freeing for me.
SaraLee