angry people?

[Lin]

Growing up, I had a huge problemw ith angry people. My dad could change from sweet mr. Nice guy to a raging lunatic at the drop of a hat. We never knew if jeckyll or Hyde woudl walk in the door. I tried my best to control situations to keep him from getting angry. Some days nothig I did helped at all.

Then as an adult I also do my best to avoid angry people. It is almost an obsession to me to control situations to keep from having a conflict.
|example, my soiuse does nto like for me to work 2 jobs. He resents that I am gone...doning somethgn I enjoy and making good money. He wants me to stay home all the time and I choose not to do that. He makes cracks about that job all the time. Next week I have a staff meeting and it is an hour drive from here and not over until 9 PM. That will be a very late night for me. I have purposely not mentioned it to him at all. He's just be mad for days. I will tell him Friday a couple of hours before I go, most likely.

Once I backed into a post in a parking lot. I jut KNEW he'd be furious. I went to a body shop and paid them double to get my car in immediately and fix that little place on my bumper. I wanted to be home before he got home at 4 PM. He got home at 3:30....as I was pulling in with the driver fromthe body shop with my repaired car. He was not mad at all. All of that worry and there was no angry words at all.

I do stuff like that all the time to avoid angry people.

Do any of you have a problem with angry people>?

LIN

[caressa]

I have a problem with people who get angry and verbal in my space. I called my son on it the other day when he was here and told him it wasn't acceptable. It wasn't directed at me, it was just that things were not going his way. My space is sacred to me. It depends on the circumstances and where it happens. If necessary, I walk away. I try not to feed into it. There would have been a time I would have been in there like a dirty shirt giving my two cents and adding to the chaos.

My own anger has had a lot of healing. I can generally tell when it is making itself known by my language and attitude. Starting to cuss everything and everyone in site is a sure sign. Anger is alright, it is how I express it. When possible, I try to defuse it and help others deal with theres when possible. Otherwise, I get out of the way. It still makes me uncomfortable to be in the midst of it. Anger for me in today is stuff that I internalize and don't deal with when it happens.

When I broke up with my boyfriend two years ago, he said, "Look what you made me do! I don't like to get angry, I try not to let it show." I said, "Well you can take your anger and get out of here, it is not acceptable." All I had asked was for him to take some of his stuff out of my space and told him I was taking my space back." He had gotten comfortable in my space and had slowly tried to move in. I told him when the relationship started that living with him wasn't an option. My place is too small for two. He felt like he had 'paid' his way and had the right to be here because he bought groceries and me presents. He was a big eater and I couldn't afford to feed him. The gifts were his idea.

Another boyfriend did the same thing. When I gave him his walking papers he said you could have told me before I bought groceries. I added up the groceries and they came to $15. He was angry. I was more angry. He sat in my place and didn't make space for himself. After we broke up, he moved out of the YMCA (had moved here from out of town), went back to school and got a job.

The boyfriend in between, went to a meeting because I always played bridge on Friday, met another woman and started going out with her. Some you win, some you lose. That was a good excuse, because he seldom took me out, just came here to get away from work and his mother. I refuse to put my life on hold for someone else. I refuse to be used by someone and when the trust isn't there, there is nothing to build the relationship on. When my first husband left me for another woman, I thought it was my fault. I took it personal. It didn't matter what I did, he would have gone looking elsewhere.

Most of my anger was about the fact that I allowed myself to be used and abused, didn't set strong enough boundaries and allowed unacceptable behavior to continue instead of being afraid to say "No, this is not acceptable." The not wanting to be alone, the fear of not being accepted, the insecurity of not belonging, etc. kept me sick and I am grateful for Al-Anon who taught me that I could be me and with my Higher Power, all things are possible.

[Lin]

Thanks for ths share Caressa. My anger usually does not come out verbally. I just sort of simmer until I am ready to blow and then I have to deal with it, let it go, and get past it.

LIN

[dg]

I grew up with a screamer in the family. My mom. My step father didn't yell but used a tone that could scare the bejebbies out of me.
I myself am a screamer. Wonder where I got that from but yet I do avoid confrontation of someone that is angry towards me.
If I feel that I am threaten I will go another direction to avoid being in the same place w/them.
My hubby when he was on drugs used to scare me when he got mad I would go somehwhere and not be around him. But now when we are both mad I do try to go to another room until I cool down. I am a tad better with my screaming but sometimes I fall of the wagon on that. Even tho that little thing inside me is always on guard on trying not to make him to mad.

[Lin]

Thanks DG. I also go to anothe room to avoid screaming back when mine is screaming at me.

LIN

[caressa]

My place is too small to go to another room. When my son takes off into one of his hissy fits, I shut him down and say, "This kind of behaviour is not acceptable and if you can't be quiet and talk in a reasonable way, you had best leave." There would have been a time when I was shouting and screaming back at him. The other day he said that there was something wrong and he had trouble breathing. I found myself saying, "Well if you smoke crack you can expect something wrong with your nose, throat and lungs." His response was "You just had to say that didnt' you!" I said, "Well I am not smelling anything, and I am not having problems, so it must be you." There have been a few times when he has hit a wall or thrown something in anger and then I remind him that it isn't his place and I have no desire to get kicked out so tell him to "Cool it!" I don't like it when he gets like that. Lived it for too many years. It happens when he drops things or when something doesn't go his way and he loses his temper. It doesn't happen often but when he is off work he can be like a bear with a sore paw." Both of us will be glad when he goes back to work. It is pretty bad when you have to hang out with Mom because he has nothing to do and can't afford to go out and use and be with his buddies. Quite often when he comes here I put him to work.

[SunnyGirl]

I am in the minority I guess.... Growing up, there wasn't
much yelling and screaming around our house. I was
told what to do and if I didn't do it there were consequences.

"Honey" is not a screamer and neither am I.... We do disagree
but it is usually a mutual "silent treatment" until we can cool
down enough to talk about it.

My younger sister tests my patience..... She will go on and on
and on and I normally end up hanging the phone up on her.
She came to my door once, while my Mom was out here visiting,
and threatened to kick my a$$.... I told her to leave and she
refused, it took my Mom getting in between the two of us to
prevent a free for all. I think that is possibly the angriest I have
ever been in my life. It took "Honey" coming into it and asking
her to leave, she did not disrespect him....

I get aggrivated or irritated with people at times, but I usually
just to a slow burn. I am not altogether sure what I would
do if someone got in my face and yelled and screamed at me
today. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.....

Peace on the journey, SunnyGirl