Guilt

[caressa]

"There's a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use," said one recovering woman. "The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing."

It's imperative that we stop feeling so guilty.

Much of the time, the things we feel guilty about are not our issues. Another person behaves inappropriately or in some way violates our boundaries. We challenge the behavior, and the person gets angry and defensive. Then we feel guilty.

Guilt can prevent us from setting the boundaries that would be in our best interests, and in other people's best interests. Guilt can stop us from taking healthy care of ourselves.

We don't have to let others count on the fact that we'll always feel guilty. We don't have to allow ourselves to be controlled by guilt - earned or unearned! We can break through the barrier of guilt that holds us back from self care. Push. Push harder. We are not at fault, crazy, or wrong. We have a right to set boundaries and to insist on appropriate treatment. We can separate another's issues from our issues, and let the person experience the consequences of his or her own behavior, including guilt. We can trust ourselves to know when our boundaries are being violated.

Today, I will let go of my big and little guilty feelings. Light and love are on my side.

- Source unknown to me

[caressa]

This was like looking into a mirror and had to make sure I didn't write it. It was posted by a friend on another site. Not sure if she wrote it or copied and pasted it from some unknown source.

A long-timer told me that next to resentments, guilt is right up there at the top of the list as to why some people relapse. In my case, it sure can be a mental relapse and thankfully, hasn't been a physical one although last night I had a drinking dream which is a good indicator for me. I have had thoughts of going to a meeting but don't feel safe going at night with my walker. I am going to have to find a solution.
I often feel guilty about not getting out to more meetings.

[Cherie]

Sunday, January 11, 2009
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Letting Go of Guilt

Guilt as a topic is an excellent one.....

Peace on the journey, SunnyGirl

[caressa]

Thank you, I have that book, never thought to look it up. I have been guilty of hanging onto a resentment against that receptionist who said she left a message about my surgery. It is probably just an accumulation of feelings on top of everything else. When I had the using dream last night, it made me aware that my thinking was off. I turned it over and asked for help and when I went to the mall this afternoon, I saw four people from program and five people from the community that I know. Two of those were people who use to be in the program.

The one girl I saw twice today. I use to be her NA sponsor but she no longer goes to meetings and I am not sure if she is staying clean or not, I think she is trying to 'control' her using.

One of the guys had relapsed and when I saw him a few months ago he walked by without saying hello which is a good indication he was still using. I saw him in the mall this week and again today. He spoke both times.

[SunnyGirl]

In the beginning guilt was a major problem for me....

I would beat myself up daily for all the things I "should'a
and could'a" done differently in raising my daughter. I
wished I could get rid of the addictive genes from her body,
that she had no doubt inherited from me. I literally blamed
myself for her addiction.... Were there things I could have
done differently, you betcha! But I do not have the power
to go back and make those changes. I have to live in today,
I can't change what happened yesterday!

I do have pity parties now and then, I reminisce and think
back about the "what if's" and "just maybe's", but they get
me nowhere. Today I know I have to let go of the guilt
and build on the solid ground of today. Setting boundaries,
and letting go of my need to fix my addicted daughter is all
I could do.

Today, my daughter no longers uses "speed" or cocaine...
I still worry about prescription drugs, although she doesn't
seem to be abusing them. She's also obtained a "Medical
Marijuana" prescription and it's suppose to help her diabetic
neuropothy.... I don't judge! She is aware she is an addict
and doesn't want to fall way back to the "hell hole" she used
to call her life.....

Peace on the journey, SunnyGirl

[Lin]

I don't have a child with an addiction. I jsut have parents and a spouse. But I can really see how a parent woudl try to take on guilt if their child had an addiction. Asking...where did I go wrong as a parent? What could I ahve done differently?

the thing to rememebr...we dont cause another to drink or drug. Even if it is hereditary, the parent does not cause it. My parents were both alkies and none of the 4 of us kids took it on. The cycle CAN stop. It's not anythign the parents do or don't do. The child may have just gotten in with the wrong crowd. Parents are not responsible for that and ned not take on that guilt.

LIN

[caressa]

That is true Lin and something I learned. It isn't something that was easy knowing that he is a product of his environment and he was raised in a dysfunctional family with a grandfather, a mother and a step-father who were all alcoholics. Like me, he didn't learn the best coping skills. I know I did the best I could and in a lot of ways, he was just as much of a focus in my life as my disease. Wanting for him what I never had for myself. Some of it was false guilt, but for the most part it wasn't. Guilt is a feeling like everything else and had to ask for the healing of it.