Healthy Fears

[caressa]

Last week I phoned my sponsor to ask if she was going to a meeting and whether I could get a ride. With so much going on in my life and the pain that I have been experience, I figured I was overdue for an AA meeting. I am guilty of not calling her very often because she has been dealing with her own issues (a break up of a long relationship and a gambling problem), so I have been using my Al-Anon sponsor. The last time I called her she came to pick me up in a guy's van, the two of them sat in the front and smoked and I was in so much pain, I had to find another way home. On Thursday she had a commitment to a meeting in Stoney Creek (the other side of the city from me) and told me to call on Sunday and she would give me a ride to her group.

I was really tired after bridge, but thought, "I said I would call, being tired is no excuse to miss the meeting, give her a call." I called and she had made an arrangement with a friend to go to a guy's 19 year anniversary. I know the guy too, but I wasn't invited along. I was told to keep in touch and we can reconnect on another day. I will have to do some thinking about that.

Today I was sharing with a friend who I was feeling that I should go out at night but after what happened a week ago and again last night (sirens, police cars and mega noise), I just don't feel safe going out with my walker. In early recovery, I walked with an 'attitude' and looked like I knew where I was going and no one bothered me. I always felt that if God could look after me in the daytime He could look after me at night. Many night I came home to my building and had no problems even though there was a lot of drug and alcohol problems. Only one night I came home and a guy was passed out between the doors at the entrance. That isn't bad a bad record for 15 years.

Times have changed. I have changed. My faith hasn't lessened, and yet with the things the way they are in my area (four blocks from downtown) I think it is a healthy fear. The reality in today is that it doesn't matter where you go, drugs and alcohol are there. I was surprised when I sobered up to find out how many people did drink and drive. I had no fear when I was using and when I was driving. Even when I go out with my cane and don't use my walker, I still don't feel safe. For one thing, the cane is collapsible and for another, I am not strong enough to hurt someone if I did decide to hit them.

My healthy fear of going back to where I came from kept me going back to meetings even though I was in denial about being an alcoholic.

[Ron]

I think there is a fine line between a lot of things. Healthy fears, respect for whatever it is, and facing reality. I have always had a fear of heights. But for years I worked in the air walking beams, planks, bar joists whatever. Some of the stuff was 100+ feet in the air and maybe only 2 1/2 inches wide. The only falls I had where under about 15-20 ft when I would get thingyy. I use to be like a cat on my feet when I was in the air. The higher up I was the more respect I had for height and the more careful I was. I will still go in the air but it takes more to get me up there it use to. I know that I am not as agile as I once was. That my balance is not what it once was. And over all I am not what I once was.

I remember the last few times I ended up walking in areas that I would perfer not to go to again. One of them it was about 12:30am and I was questioning my sanity as to why in the blank I would walk in that area in the day time far less at night. Once upon a time there where of been a natural rush that went with it but not that night. Healthy fear can save me from a lot of things. Sometimes wonder if stuff like that is fear, respect or maturity. Don't have anything to prove doing some things but have a heck of a lot to loose trying.

Have a good one,

Ron

[caressa]

Thanks for sharing Ron. I know what you mean. For me, the old gray mare just ain't what she use to be. Can't carry off that old "Don't mess with me" swagger that I had when I was using and the confidence I had as a result of healing in early recovery.

I tend to want to forget those times when age creeps up. Like the fact the last time I took the bus using my cane, I was down for two days. When I do more than three physical things in a day (that doesn't include being on the computer which causes me pain after half an hour) I am generally in pain for a day or two. Add to that mental and emotional, the fibromyalgia kicks in ten fold.

Perhaps it is just lack of acceptance of what is, especially when it comes to old age!