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Post by SunnyGirl on May 21, 2009 13:14:05 GMT -5
Question for you: When you have come to the point where you realize, your addict/alkie, is (short of a miracle from God) always going to be messed up, then what? Do you continue to invite them to family gatherings, knowing they will be the "elephant" in the room? Do you invite them to a wedding or baptism (a very happy occasion) knowing you may have them falling into the cake or baptismal water? Or in my case, ignore inviting them to Christmas gathering and have the rest of the family condemn your motives and decision? I'm thinking many of you (myself included) have friends or family that have been active 20-30-40- years. For me, excusing bad behavior, is a very big pill to swallow. However, the addict is doing what addicts do, it comes with the disease. We set boundaries.... I refuse to accept unacceptable behaviors in my home! But on the other hand, my love is unconditional! Have you ever had days when life seems almost like being stuck in a maze or labyrinth. Dealing with our addicted loved ones is a major conundrum. There have to be limits.... But you can get to the point where enough is enough! Or.... do you continue with unconditional love and flood heaven with your prayers? eor.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=General&thread=6953any thoughts?? Peace on the journey, SunnyGirl |
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Post by caressa on May 21, 2009 18:40:15 GMT -5
My son has asked me to recognize the man behind the addiction. He may have not grown up and he certainly does some things I don't like, but that doesn't mean I don't like him or love him.
I don't agree with the quote. For me it is "Look within" because recovery always begins with me. My Higher Power is no longer out there, a distant being, busy making the world go round. My Higher Power is the Spirit of God that I think resides in each of us when we surrender and ask for His help. I thought God was up there too and it was easy to keep Him out of my life when I could so easily detach.
I have lived with alcoholism for 60+ years. I remember seing my father drunk for the first time when I was 8. I am still living with myself and as a woman said many years ago in Al-Anon, "People ask me why I still go to Al-Anon because my husband has been dead for 20 years. She says, "It is easy, I still have to live with me." I haven't lived my alcoholic husband for 29 years. Yet a lot of my actions in today, are a result of healing from the actions and reactions of that marriage.
My poor son never had a chance. Living with an alcoholic grandfather, step-father, genes of a sex addicted father and an alcoholic mother who became an addict. I don't know if it is in the genes or not. We often are products of our environment.
Acceptance, boundaries, detachment, unconditional love, forgiveness and compassion are all tools this program has given me. That is why I come here to share. For me it is the five As of change: awareness, admittance, acceptance, action and attitude. Once I start the process, it keeps unfolding to new awareness, admitance, acceptance, action and attitude.
It isn't about the addict in my life. It is about me and my attitude. An attitude of gratitude for my sobriety (soundness of mind) helps me to stay balanced and centered and when I am connected to the God of my understanding chaos and turmoil is short lived. It may come again, and generally does, but with his help, I can handle it. Serenity doesn't mean that I have no challenges in my life, it just means that peace is there when I choose to go there when I need a harbour from the storm.
I do like the title. I don't have to go far. God is there! A whisper gets His attention. Just the other day I became aware that I wasn't flooding 'heaven' with prayer for my son and other people in my life. I pray and leave him there. Something new will happen, and I will renew the prayer, mainly asking that God talk to His God to see that he gets what he needs. It isn't about what I want and I think he needs. He has his own Higher Power. I would have had him clean and sober a long time ago. My way doesn't work!
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Post by SunnyGirl on May 21, 2009 21:49:49 GMT -5
From a co-dependent's point of view, I found the quote to be
100% spot on..... I had totally run out of options with my
addicted loved ones and finally turned to God in prayer.
"Look within"? I felt empty inside, totally without hope!
I am certain that it was God that sent me toward the light
of recovery. My "recovery" isn't about the addict in my life,
it's how I react to them.
My personal thought is, there is one God, but He may manifest
himself differently to different people. The God of vengeance, the
God of love and the God of hope, all one and the same. I believe
my God, is the very same one, my addicted loved one's will turn
to for help some day.
My "higher power" whom I call God will never leave me, it's up to
me to keep the communication lines open, thru prayer.
Each of us have our own personal core beliefs and it's wonderful
that the programs are big enough to bring us all together with
12 wonderful steps..... Hugs, Cherie
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Post by caressa on May 22, 2009 7:32:08 GMT -5
That is why it is God as we understand Him, and why the program fits everyone. When I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, I was told I was a double winner. Sure didn't feel like one! Today I feel like I have been blessed for sure. There is no excuse for bad behavior, especially in myself. I can't project my values and disciplines on someone else. Sometimes they are not capable of meeting my expectations, other times they have their own, other times, I can't meet my own, so who am I to say, although I keep trying for some reason. I can't save the world but as you say, I can make my space safe!
I chose not to live with my alcoholic husband. I chose not to live in the insanity. My son is in my life and will probably always be there. It depends on him as to how often he is allowed or chooses to come in the door. He knows what I consider acceptable behavior and what is not. I don't think he would be around if I didn't have the health issues I have. He feels he needs to take care of me. The same way it was a role reversal when I was using and before I came into recovery.
He is walking the line right now. He has talked suicidal for years. I pray he chooses recovery. I have decided to enjoy him while I have him. If he keeps doing what he is doing, he won't be around much longer. He will die or he will move away because he blames the city for the troubles in his life. He is still working, after all that is using money. Although it is surprising how many people are around who I thought would have been dead long ago, still hang on to that life string. Guys who were in the program, who use to live in my building years ago, still manage to make it to the Liquor Store for 10 a.m. every morning.
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Post by Lin on May 22, 2009 8:56:13 GMT -5
I also like the title. I like topray for my alkie since I know he will probably never quit drinking. My most often used prayer is GOD...please whisper in his ear today what You think he needs to hear.
That way I have let it go, turning the outcome over to my God and maybe ONE day hubby will have his hearing aid urned on andhe'll hear the right WHISPER.
As far as an answer to your question...for a long time I jsut went by myself. I did not even ask if he wanted to go. Then I started asking if he wanted to go and he usually said NO. So that worked out fine. At least the decision was HIS insted of mine.
LIN
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Post by caressa on May 22, 2009 17:38:05 GMT -5
This disease is mental, emotional, spiritual and physical in nature. I too had that void. I had to learn to fill it up with spiritual things. There was no 'me' left and my drug of choice whether it was a pill, alcohol or a man, left me feeling nothing. I had to build a relationship with my Higher Power. I always knew what and who God was from my religious upbringing. I had to make God personal. My religious God didn't stop me from becoming an addict. I taught Sunday School. I knew who God was! Wrong! I knew who other people said God was. I had to find God for myself. I started a spiritual quest. Everywhere I went I found God. Everywhere I went, I took me with me. Everywhere I went, God was with me and I could find God in all things. There are times God had to use more than a whisper to me. As I have stated before, sometimes I had to be hit over the head with a spiritual cast-iron frying pan. That wasn't God, that was me shutting Him out. I still do look up! Generally it is with a "God help me! How did I manage to get myself in this spot!" When I look up, I have forgotten to look within and was trying to manage my own life. I have always like the expression, "I am a spiritual being having an earthly experience." www.emissaries.org/spiritual_beings.php |
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Post by SunnyGirl on May 23, 2009 12:42:01 GMT -5
This disease is mental, emotional, spiritual and physical in nature. I too had that void. I had to learn to fill it up with spiritual things. There was no 'me' left and my drug of choice whether it was a pill, alcohol or a man, left me feeling nothing. I had to build a relationship with my Higher Power. I always knew what and who God was from my religious upbringing. I had to make God personal. My religious God didn't stop me from becoming an addict. I taught Sunday School. I knew who God was! Wrong! I knew who other people said God was. I had to find God for myself. I started a spiritual quest. Everywhere I went I found God. Everywhere I went, I took me with me. Everywhere I went, God was with me and I could find God in all things. There are times God had to use more than a whisper to me. As I have stated before, sometimes I had to be hit over the head with a spiritual cast-iron frying pan. That wasn't God, that was me shutting Him out. Well said Caressa..... I can only imagine what the addict/alkie thinks feels and believes. In making this post, I chose to put it in the Naranon section, as that is the only side I can speak from. I continue to pray daily for my addicted loved ones, flooding God with prayers... I am certain He understands my wishes, but He has given each of us "free will", the addict has to have the "want to" before the journey begins. Thank you for sharing Lin..... You said, "he will probably never quit drinking"..... and this is always a possibility! My personal feelings are, "where there is life, there's hope", I'm not going to hold my breath waiting, but I can always hope..... Hugs to each..... SunnyGirl |
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Post by caressa on May 23, 2009 16:50:41 GMT -5
The nice thing is I can see from both sides of the fence. The willingness has to be there before the healing takes place. I had willfulness and won'ts, but no will power, but that isn't how this program works. ...not my will, but Thine be done. As I have often stated, I have had to pray for the willingness to be willing over the years. He has given me freedom of choice. It is what I do with those choices that matter in today.
That is why I love the title. It is a simple concept but so easy to forget when you are caught up in the moment!
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. I will be back looking for Lin and others.