Post by caressa on Jun 15, 2009 15:35:46 GMT -5
That according to the Big Book is the nature of my disease. What are they talking about. Am I still acting out in my disease?
I was told that this was a selfish program. I had to work the program for me. I couldn't do it because people thought I needed it. I had to know and believe I was an alcoholic and that my old life style and thinking had to change. My sobriety had to come first.
That doesn't mean I don't work with others. I have been involved in service since I came through the doors of recovery. I have had sponsors who insisted and said, "If you aren't willing to work an AA/NA program, then I can't sponsor you." This isn't the same selfish of my disease. This is about self care and no longer abusing myself and others.
Today I was reminded of some old traits that I had and were no longer there and some that needed working on.
On the bus coming back from the doctor's office the bus drive yelled out her window at a guy who crossed on a Don't Walk, stood with his bicycle on the street ready to be the first across the street when the light changed with no consideration for the buses that were turning. There are about 10 bus stops along that section of street. The guy was standing there completely oblivious to the chaos and inconvenience he was causing the people who were trying to do their job. I looked out the window and saw a guy who use to belong to my home group who has been in the program a year longer than I have.
When I am around the buses, I am reminded of one time two years ago meeting a friend. She got there the last minute, pushed to the front of the line and was the first one on the bus. It was cold, people had been standing for quite some time waiting. Some had walkers, some were mentally challenged and were heading to the Mental Hospital which is on the root to where we were going. I was embarrassed for her. She has been in recovery for 22 years.
Remember my sponsor telling me that she would meet with me before the meeting that evening. My thought was, "Doesn't she know I am hurting, I don't want to wait until tonight, I need help now. She should drop everything and come and talk with me. She volunteered to be my sponsor, so she should be there for me when I need her. I had no thought that she had her own life. No thought that she had her own responsibilities to meet. No thought that she could only give me half of her attention when her mind was on something else. No thought of her health that she needed time after work to do her own meditation and replenish her own body, mind and spirit. She couldn't give me what she didn't have. She could have said words but she wouldn't have had the spiritual connection. I certainly wasn't spiritual in my demand for immediate attention and the "Great I am - I am important" attitude needed a big awakening.
Today I was in so much pain and was so fatigued that I had a hard time getting home. The sun was shining, it was a beautiful day and I had trouble thinking through the pain. The old me would have been complaining, wouldn't have said "Thank you" to the bus driver when I got off the bus. The old me would have yelled at the guy who got on the bus and skirted around me and didn't allow me to get off before he got on the bus, even though the bus driver lowered the bus for me to get off with my walker. The old me would have been up one side of him and down the other. The old me wouldn't have told the woman who was willing to hold the door that I was fine and not to bother and that I would use the automatic doors because I was moving slow and didn't want to hold her up.
The old me would have ranted and raved while the elevator sat at the 2nd floor and didn't come down and had to wait for the other elevator to come down from the 22nd floor. I commented on it with the man who was also waiting but I didn't do the 'pregnant dog' bit that I would have before. One day I saw a woman actually kick the elevator door because it didn't get there fast enough for her.
In the past I would have come home, popped some pills and gone to bed. That is, if I had gotten out of bed in the first place. I am in pain and I am hurting you know! I sat downtown while waiting for the bus and did a meditation. I stopped when I got off the bus twice on the way to my apartment (two blocks) because I was in so much pain, I could hardly put one foot in front of the other. I came home and had some fruit and a protein bar and came online to share.
It isn't about me first. It is about my sobriety first. To do that, I work the Steps, deal with life one day at a time, and work on my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well being to the best of my ability. I am so grateful for this program. I am also grateful for the great teachers that have crossed my path who directed me to a better way of life.
I was told that this was a selfish program. I had to work the program for me. I couldn't do it because people thought I needed it. I had to know and believe I was an alcoholic and that my old life style and thinking had to change. My sobriety had to come first.
That doesn't mean I don't work with others. I have been involved in service since I came through the doors of recovery. I have had sponsors who insisted and said, "If you aren't willing to work an AA/NA program, then I can't sponsor you." This isn't the same selfish of my disease. This is about self care and no longer abusing myself and others.
Today I was reminded of some old traits that I had and were no longer there and some that needed working on.
On the bus coming back from the doctor's office the bus drive yelled out her window at a guy who crossed on a Don't Walk, stood with his bicycle on the street ready to be the first across the street when the light changed with no consideration for the buses that were turning. There are about 10 bus stops along that section of street. The guy was standing there completely oblivious to the chaos and inconvenience he was causing the people who were trying to do their job. I looked out the window and saw a guy who use to belong to my home group who has been in the program a year longer than I have.
When I am around the buses, I am reminded of one time two years ago meeting a friend. She got there the last minute, pushed to the front of the line and was the first one on the bus. It was cold, people had been standing for quite some time waiting. Some had walkers, some were mentally challenged and were heading to the Mental Hospital which is on the root to where we were going. I was embarrassed for her. She has been in recovery for 22 years.
Remember my sponsor telling me that she would meet with me before the meeting that evening. My thought was, "Doesn't she know I am hurting, I don't want to wait until tonight, I need help now. She should drop everything and come and talk with me. She volunteered to be my sponsor, so she should be there for me when I need her. I had no thought that she had her own life. No thought that she had her own responsibilities to meet. No thought that she could only give me half of her attention when her mind was on something else. No thought of her health that she needed time after work to do her own meditation and replenish her own body, mind and spirit. She couldn't give me what she didn't have. She could have said words but she wouldn't have had the spiritual connection. I certainly wasn't spiritual in my demand for immediate attention and the "Great I am - I am important" attitude needed a big awakening.
Today I was in so much pain and was so fatigued that I had a hard time getting home. The sun was shining, it was a beautiful day and I had trouble thinking through the pain. The old me would have been complaining, wouldn't have said "Thank you" to the bus driver when I got off the bus. The old me would have yelled at the guy who got on the bus and skirted around me and didn't allow me to get off before he got on the bus, even though the bus driver lowered the bus for me to get off with my walker. The old me would have been up one side of him and down the other. The old me wouldn't have told the woman who was willing to hold the door that I was fine and not to bother and that I would use the automatic doors because I was moving slow and didn't want to hold her up.
The old me would have ranted and raved while the elevator sat at the 2nd floor and didn't come down and had to wait for the other elevator to come down from the 22nd floor. I commented on it with the man who was also waiting but I didn't do the 'pregnant dog' bit that I would have before. One day I saw a woman actually kick the elevator door because it didn't get there fast enough for her.
In the past I would have come home, popped some pills and gone to bed. That is, if I had gotten out of bed in the first place. I am in pain and I am hurting you know! I sat downtown while waiting for the bus and did a meditation. I stopped when I got off the bus twice on the way to my apartment (two blocks) because I was in so much pain, I could hardly put one foot in front of the other. I came home and had some fruit and a protein bar and came online to share.
It isn't about me first. It is about my sobriety first. To do that, I work the Steps, deal with life one day at a time, and work on my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well being to the best of my ability. I am so grateful for this program. I am also grateful for the great teachers that have crossed my path who directed me to a better way of life.
. I will be back looking for Lin and others.