Post by Lin on Aug 19, 2009 7:19:03 GMT -5
Detachment is an awesome tool. It took me years to make it automatic.
I have learned little tricks to help me not take things so personally. I have learned how to love the alcoholic...even when he's drinking. I have learned how to not get into arguments when he is drinking, not ask him if he's drinking, and not react lik the old me when he's drinking.
I do this many ways.
I f he says somethign I believe is untrue...such as calls me a lazy b...I know he jsut wants me to argue. I tell myself...jsut because he says it does nto make it true. Then I tell myself he jsut called me a CHAIR. and since I KNOW I am not a chair, I can let it go quickly and painlessly.
I also do what I call my RED A. It's like in the famous book the scarlet letter. I imagine a RED A on his forehead when he's being a horses behind. I see that A and think ALCOHOLIC. That reminds me the disease is talking and acting this way...not the person I love.
I also refuse to get in an arguement. A few weeks ago he drank when I went to my evening job. When I got home he started in on me about a topic that neither of us can do anything about. He wanted to argue. I calmly told him, I was not going to discuss it that night becaue i coudl tell he was drinking. I'd be happy to discuss it when he is sober. The next day when he was sober, I asked him if he wanted to discuss it and he did not.
I sometimes tell myself that little quote" do I want to be happy or do i want to be right?" I choose to be happy and that keeps me from having to prove a point.
I have also learned tnot to ask a questions that I already know the answer. If I can tell he's drinking...I have no ned to ask. He'll lie and I know it. Then I'll be angry that he lied. SO I jstu don't ask. I go in the other room and do whatever I want and leave him be.
The phrase let go and let God helps me detach from things thast are not mine. I try to jsut do the next right thing that needs to be done.
The Serenity prayer has been a huge help. "accept the things I cannot change". If I ask myself what part in this is mine to change and change it, I havew done all I can.
Prayer can help me with detachment also. My most often prayer is "GOD PLEASE WHISPER IN HIS EAR TODAY WHAT YOU THINK HE NEEDS TO HEAR.' That way it's not my place to beg for him to not drink today or to stop. I know he's jsut not ready.
One of my anchors that helps is to carry a q-tip in my pocket or have one on my desk. The initials are an acronym for Quit Takeing It Personal.
HOW DO YOU DETACH?
LIN
I have learned little tricks to help me not take things so personally. I have learned how to love the alcoholic...even when he's drinking. I have learned how to not get into arguments when he is drinking, not ask him if he's drinking, and not react lik the old me when he's drinking.
I do this many ways.
I f he says somethign I believe is untrue...such as calls me a lazy b...I know he jsut wants me to argue. I tell myself...jsut because he says it does nto make it true. Then I tell myself he jsut called me a CHAIR. and since I KNOW I am not a chair, I can let it go quickly and painlessly.
I also do what I call my RED A. It's like in the famous book the scarlet letter. I imagine a RED A on his forehead when he's being a horses behind. I see that A and think ALCOHOLIC. That reminds me the disease is talking and acting this way...not the person I love.
I also refuse to get in an arguement. A few weeks ago he drank when I went to my evening job. When I got home he started in on me about a topic that neither of us can do anything about. He wanted to argue. I calmly told him, I was not going to discuss it that night becaue i coudl tell he was drinking. I'd be happy to discuss it when he is sober. The next day when he was sober, I asked him if he wanted to discuss it and he did not.
I sometimes tell myself that little quote" do I want to be happy or do i want to be right?" I choose to be happy and that keeps me from having to prove a point.
I have also learned tnot to ask a questions that I already know the answer. If I can tell he's drinking...I have no ned to ask. He'll lie and I know it. Then I'll be angry that he lied. SO I jstu don't ask. I go in the other room and do whatever I want and leave him be.
The phrase let go and let God helps me detach from things thast are not mine. I try to jsut do the next right thing that needs to be done.
The Serenity prayer has been a huge help. "accept the things I cannot change". If I ask myself what part in this is mine to change and change it, I havew done all I can.
Prayer can help me with detachment also. My most often prayer is "GOD PLEASE WHISPER IN HIS EAR TODAY WHAT YOU THINK HE NEEDS TO HEAR.' That way it's not my place to beg for him to not drink today or to stop. I know he's jsut not ready.
One of my anchors that helps is to carry a q-tip in my pocket or have one on my desk. The initials are an acronym for Quit Takeing It Personal.
HOW DO YOU DETACH?
LIN
~With Peace & Love, dg~ 8*)[/b][/size]
. I will be back looking for Lin and others.