Control

[caressa]

"When we first begin to enjoy relief from our addiction, we run the risk of assuming control of our lives again. We forget the agony and pain that we have known."

Basic Text p.48

Control is an illusion. When I try to control my life, I am leaving God out. When I surrender each day to my Higher Power, and go with the flow, things turn out as they should, not as I would always have them be.

My God gives me what I need, not always what I want. Sometimes my wants and desires are not healthy for me. Often it is the mental aspect that isn't healthy.

I couldn't control my using. I used people, places and things. Today my Higher Power utilizes people, places and things to show me a better way of living.

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[caressa]

Just had an experience on Sunday that found me very grateful that you can't wear out the Serenity Prayer. I was doing two loads of laundry and decided to put some towels and bedding which had been stored in the closet into the dryer and refresh them.

I went to take two bags up and the elevator button wouldn't light up. Laundry is on the 3rd Floor and I live on the 19th. I said the Serenity Prayer, held both buttons for up and down and nothing happened. I sat on the bench and thought things through. A gentleman friend lives on the 3rd floor and considered knocking on his door. I knew the Grey Cup Football Game was on and he would consider it a sin if I interrupted. So I made the decision to go back and wait until my laundry was done. I prayed and asked for helped. Thought about what I needed to carry in a bag up to my apartment and what I was going to say to my friend and prayed that his reaction would be favorable to keeping my walker and my clothes in his place until the elevator was fixed.

I was at peace with myself, read my book while I was waiting. Just as I finished folding the second load of clothes a woman came in and said that the elevators were working. One was in service because someone was moving, the other had broken down and had just been repaired. A big thank you, thank you, thank you went out to the Universe.

The old me would have been fit to be tied. Knocking on my friend's door with no consideration for him. I would have been in a total panic and my blood pressure would have been through the roof. I amazed myself! It is those little things that often cause my serenity to go out the window.

He does answer prayer! When I feel like I am going to lose it, I turn it over to my Higher Power and He sees me through it.

[majestyjo]

As they say, plan but don't plan the outcome. Lately, I can't seem to get the plans together.

Perhaps that is because my God has other plans for me or I am going through a change and I need to just be and let it happen instead of trying to make things happen and force an issue.

[majestyjo]

This is one of the 'C' words that qualifies me for CA.

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It was an illusion I had for many years. When I look back at it, I can see how distructive it was to me and those around me. I thought I was in control, I thought I had the control, and I thought that by controlling people, places and things around me, that 'my' world would be better and safer! What a lot of tommy rot!

War is the unfolding of miscalulations. - Barbara Tuchman

It isn't the mis- that is the problem, it is the calculation, No matter what way I look at it, in today, it was a part of my spiritual sickness.

It is not spiritual to take someone else's inventory and think that I am better than they are and therefore better qualified to run their life.

It is not spiritual to take someone else's inventory and by manipulation and calculation try to control this person so they will become my personal robot and do what I want to do. That someone has a Higher Power, and I am not it. I tended to forget this.

My second husband always use to say, "It doesn't matter what I say, you go ahead and do what you want to do, you and your son! You don't care about me at all!" The truth of it is that he was right. I was in that marriage for all the wrong reasons. Looking for a father for my son, looking for someone who will take care of me or I could take care of them. It was more that I could fix him, because he was the one with the problem not me. Yeah right! I was looking for someone to pay the bills, and a lover, but no restrictions on my movements, but heaven help him if he did something without me. Nasty, you bet!

My disease as a caretaking, controlling co-dependent person who couldn't live with them and couldn't live without them. I was sicker than him when I look back at it now. He had a drinking problem, but I had the thinking problem and the drinking problem, along with the drug problem, the sex addict, the relationship junkie, and all those other nice things that make up a person who is codependent. Who thinks herself Ms. Perfect, Ms Invincible, Ms. Independent, Ms. Indispensible and Ms. Know-It-All.

If I look at you and fix you, then I don't have to look at me. If you just do what I say, my life will be wonderful and yours will be too! If you do this or that, then you will make me happy. If I am happy I will rewad you and if you don't, then you will be sorry, I'll....."

Not a very nice picture! Not one I wanted to look at, but in order to recover and heal, I had to get honest.

When I came into recovery, they had the nerve to tell me that my husband wasn't responsible for my happiness. That I had to find it within myself. How could I when I didn't know myself. I have been looking for years, and he was as close as I had come to what "I" wanted. The selfish self-centeredness of my disease. Who me? No never! I am just a nice church going, hard work career woman, homemaker, and just the perfect housewife. I have made this perfect little world and if everyone would just live up to my expectation, then I will accept them or tolerate their presence as long as they don't mess up my space.

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To participate in our lives does not mean that we control our lives. Not to control our lives does not mean that we are passive. - Anne Wilson Schaef

For so many years, I was looked on as "the strong one" and it was so difficult to be always 'up' for every occasion I thought I was needed. A long time ago, I realize that it would be nice to have someone, put their arms around me and say, "It will be okay, you are not alone." All my life I was told I was responsible, and I took on the responsibilities of all those around me. No wonder I was always tired. A false sense of security and responsibility kept me sick for many years, and it was such a blessing to be able to let the burdens go that I had carried for so many years. The guilt and the shame of not being able to measure up to mine and other peoples standards.

When I look at my life today, I realize I never had it so good. Thank God for the rooms of recovery.