Post by Marcie on Oct 25, 2009 17:59:07 GMT -5
People Pleasing?
To some, it is odd to hear alcoholics say that they are people pleasers. It’s odd because almost no one is pleased with an alcoholic’s behavior. I say I’m a people pleaser and why, when I have pleased so few and really angered many?
One explanation for this may be the low self-esteem so many of us had and still have to some degree. A lawyer said she had always charged her clients less than other lawyers for the same service, because she felt inadequate as a lawyer, perhaps because of her excessive drinking. So, maybe she was trying to make up for it by giving her clients bargain rates. She may have been saying “I want to please you so you’ll come back to me instead of finding a first rate lawyer.”
For me, there is also some guilt and remorse I feel as an alcoholic. I had and have neglected normal responsibilities, and have gone overboard by doing more than my fair share at other times. This never works, I can delude myself into thinking that it does. I can be tyrannized by that nagging desire to be liked. If I break my neck to please someone, maybe that person will like me. What I’m saying is, “You owe me your approval and friendship because of everything I’m doing to please you. Sure, I’m a drunk, but look at all the other nice things I do.”
It’s great to have friends and to be liked, but reality tells me that, regardless of what I do, not everybody will like me. I must not let myself be either used or abused, and if I understand that properly, I can learn how to relate to people in acceptable ways.
Any of you have problems with being a people pleaser? And how are you getting beyond it?
To some, it is odd to hear alcoholics say that they are people pleasers. It’s odd because almost no one is pleased with an alcoholic’s behavior. I say I’m a people pleaser and why, when I have pleased so few and really angered many?
One explanation for this may be the low self-esteem so many of us had and still have to some degree. A lawyer said she had always charged her clients less than other lawyers for the same service, because she felt inadequate as a lawyer, perhaps because of her excessive drinking. So, maybe she was trying to make up for it by giving her clients bargain rates. She may have been saying “I want to please you so you’ll come back to me instead of finding a first rate lawyer.”
For me, there is also some guilt and remorse I feel as an alcoholic. I had and have neglected normal responsibilities, and have gone overboard by doing more than my fair share at other times. This never works, I can delude myself into thinking that it does. I can be tyrannized by that nagging desire to be liked. If I break my neck to please someone, maybe that person will like me. What I’m saying is, “You owe me your approval and friendship because of everything I’m doing to please you. Sure, I’m a drunk, but look at all the other nice things I do.”
It’s great to have friends and to be liked, but reality tells me that, regardless of what I do, not everybody will like me. I must not let myself be either used or abused, and if I understand that properly, I can learn how to relate to people in acceptable ways.
Any of you have problems with being a people pleaser? And how are you getting beyond it?
. I will be back looking for Lin and others.