parents codependent...??

[sharalee]

HI--
My parents are in the thick of it with my sister. She is a alcoholic. She has been drinking since she was 16 for sure and I was 14.
She is now 37 and a little more than a year ago admitted she had a problem and went for treatment.


It didn't work and she eventually went to AA on her own and got sober. She was married but after becoming sober she said that she did not feel that her husband supported her in her sobriety. We NOW know that she met her current boyfriend in AA . He was court ordered to go to AA and really never stated he had a problem. He (the boyfriend) was in a half way house and upon completing that program he and my sister basically started living together.
**She has 4 children under the age of 11. She was granted primarly custody. Her boyfriend a rap history a mile long including OWI , meth use, stealing, ect. So, he is a real peach. Well, we started noticing some differences in her behavior maybe a few months ago....suspicious that she was using again.
Well, just recently her boyfriend was picked up and is in jail again for another OWI and cocaine was in his system. Well. my sister had a total breakdown.

She was acting really odd and I thought she was acting like she has been drinking again. My parents disagreed. Well, just last week they found her totally drunk with her kids and she admitted she had been drinking again. She had totally denied this before. SO--my parents who are the primary person that deal with her brought her up to a detox center. She asked our parents to care for the kids even though thier dad is totally able and willing and functional. They have a custody battle coming up so they don't want it to get out that she has been drinking again... So, we (me and my other siblings are being asked not to tell Mark and not to tell anyone else. They eventually asked Mark(my sister's X and the father of the kids) just saying that she was out of town and if he could care for the. He does have partial custody. (weekends and Wednesday nights) Well, my sister has been in detox for 3 days and she called our parents and asked them to pick her up that she was ready to go home. And they are picking her up as we speak and believe she can get well again. She always blames her drinking on someone else. She is in debt over her head. She was found (like I said ) drunk and not caring for her kids and they basically moved in there and cleaned everything up ---laundry, dishes, financial bills, taking care of her kids without the dads knowledge.
I believe my parent are not thinking cleary. They say they are doing it for the kids. They are SCARED TO DEATH of Lisa losing the kids as they would not see them either. They are also very scared of pissing off LIsa ---becuase she has threatened them they would not see the kids....!!! I have tried to talk to her about all of this. Telling her she is being manipulative and it is not all right with me...!! She of course becomes very angry and verbally abuses me and intimidates me.
All of us (me and my 1 other sister and 2 brothers) feel that mom and dad are making some serious mistakes in all of this and are enabling her disease. They say that can't give up on her and just won't seem to listen that they can't allow her to control them--- But, again they insist that for the kids . To make sure the kids are okay. They want to be a part of their lives.
I have suggested that they see a therapist that specializes in this....which they agree is a good idea but never seem to do.
Can we do anything else to help them see that they are a part of the problem...?? Even with the kids involved or am I wrong? WE believe that the father of the kids should have them. There is some hurt feelings between the father and my parents so again---I think they are afraid that if he has custody that they will not see the kids.
It is such a mess and we are all loosing respect for our parents. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?
HELP ME PLEASE---ADVICE PLEASE--RESOURCES PLEASE. My parents are not young either and we see the impact this is having on all of them.
Thanks for any help
totally exsperated...
Sharalee

[lildee]

Dearest SharaLee,

Firstly let me welcome you to EOR.
My heart goes out for your and the family. Being in Alanon I can't tell you to do this or that. One suggestion I may offer is that everyone start getting real honest with each other. It is coming down to crunch time and some serious decisions are going to have to be made. Wouldn't it be better to base those decisions on the truth rather than a pack of lies. Look at all the options that are available to you and the family and weigh the pros and cons of each one. God will direct you to the right path. (Although it may not be the path you want). Keep coming back.

You are in my prayers. Love and God Bless
Arlene

[SaraLee]

Welcome to EOR and this forum.

My heart goes out to you and your family as well Sharalee and your right, whole families can become co-dependant when drugs and alcohol are involved.

Rest assured that the truth will come out, maybe not as soon as wished, but it always comes out and will need to be faced and dealt with.

No one should allow themselves to be put on the spot and lie for someone else and from my experience, it never helps to support another person's lies. If the time comes when you need to speak the truth about what is going on, listen to your heart and speak your truth. In the mean time, fortify yourself and take care of you. It is very hard to see family members enabling other family members and suffering the price for their misdirected actions and the best and sometimes only thing we can do for others is to be a good role model as an example to them.

SaraLee

[sharalee]

Thanks Saralee and Arlene,

I wiil take your words to heart and keep trying to talk to everyone.
All the siblings are in agreement about it.
My parents can't seem to see the danger about the whole thing.
Like i said before there is a custody hearing coming up... A neighbor of the father of the kids saw them outside when Lisa was at the hospital(detox) and she called me and said that Jay(the father) stated something was wrong and she (the mother) was at the hospital. So, HE DOES KNOW. The kids are young enough that they do not know better not to tell thier dad. The older ones we believe are being "coached" by thier mom NOT to tell. Even maybe coached by my parents (thier grandparents). Talk about being in a confusion situation for those kids.
It is heart breaking.
I will stay in touch and thanks for the support.
SharaLee

[Lin]

Anothere big welcome to EOR!

I'm sorry your sister has put your family at each other's throats like this. You are right that the parents are enabling her. When they go in and cover up for her, pay the bills, lie to the ex, they are actually doing a dis-serivce to her. They THINK they are doing it for the kids. But they are not allowing your sister to feel the consequences of her actions. She will never want to get sober and stay sober until she feels enough pain for her actions.

Keep in mind. FEAR makes us do many things. I know your parents love the grand-kids. They think they are helping those kids by enabling their mom.

It's not a good situation you are all in. I pray the courts find the best solution for it all.

LIN

[~graced~]

((((((Sharalee)))))))

Have you offered to go with your parents to AlAnon? Clearly they're concerned for your sister as are you all. Fear does strange things to people. Pretty scary stuff to be looking at losing not only your daughter to a disease, but looking at losing your grandkids as a result of it all. Sounds to me like everyone's running scared at the moment. Understandably so....

It's a tough thing, coming to understand how helpless you are in helping another person you love. Trying to find one place where you might find some control, even if it involves lying and deception, it pretty human. Absolutely no one I know likes that feeling of being totally and utterly out of control of situations, especially involving people that they so love.

You've suggested therapy--perhaps availing yourself to attend the sessions with them and setting an appointment might be an option. Alcoholism affects the whole family. Obviously everyone's affected by this situation. Walking through it together makes the journey a bit easier.

I do wish you and your family well. There's help out there for the taking. AlAnon is one support resource which offers all sorts of tools for living sanely in what feels like an insane situation. Regardless of your parents decision, this is an option you can utilize for yourself--and showing folks that there's a different way of living with alcoholism is a bit different than simply shouting about it. You might be surprised how infectious it all is and how they might awaken to wanting the peace that can be found by working the AlAnon program.

Be safe, stay well.....and know you're welcome here.

[caressa222]

So many people qualify for the program. I always tell people, you know me.

It is a shame that want to hide. They have shame of the alcoholic/addict, yet they have their own dis-ease.