Flexibility

[caressa]

If we examine our behavior patterns when we were using compulsively, we usually find that they were quite rigid. Our mental obsession and physical addiction kept us bound in repetitious behavior, which permitted very little spontaneity. With so much time and energy tied up in using, we had very little flexibility. Most of our free time was used to support our addiction in one way or another.

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I substituted the word using for eating and I can identify with this quote and see the behaviors behind all the substances that I used on my journey to recovery.

The frog means cleansing. I had to get clean to see the patterns and behaviors in my life. My whole world was about using and it took up my thinking and I obsessed about using people, places and things, which left very little time for living.

I wasn't willing to give up anything that would take me out of where I was at. I would shut down feelings and stuff emotions if I thought they would get in the way of what I wanted.

I used food, just as I used the men in my life to fill up that emptiness. I used drugs and alcohol which gave me the illusion that I fitted in and could be a part of because of the false courage and serenity I thought they gave me. I can remember those 'ahhhhhh' moments when the food and alcohol hit bottom, while I waited for that quick fix to do it's job, that warm arm which supported me and told me I was alright. That job that kept me so busy that I didn't have to look at myself.

I was fearful of anything that might occur that would cause me to miss out on what I thought I needed. I could allow you to take me out of myself, because I was hidden inside and if you knew me, you wouldn't like me. The barriers were up and all I could do was peep out at the world, generally sitting in a pity party and wanting to come out and play and didn't know how.

I can't leave him, no one else will love me. If I do for him, he will love me and give me the security and protection I need.

Thanks to the program I was able to take risks. I could open up and share and find that I am not alone. I can be by myself and even learn to like me. I can be flexible and allow other things into my life and allow myself to be complete and whole, free from the bondage of addiction.

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