Remember When

[caressa]

When I was posting the check in, I had the thought of old memories and how it use to be. How there was never an excess of anything and generally what you wanted wasn't there, be it alcohol, drugs, food, or attention.

It isn't about just remembering the using but the old tapes and recognizing them for what they are. So often in life, we use them as the yard stick to measure ourselves in today.

If you weren't so stupid, can't you do anything right, if you can't do it right, don't do it at all, look what you made me do, if you hadn't done that, I wouldn't have..., etc. all things that seemed to stick in my mind like glue and make me feel unworthy as a person.

A false sense of responsibility and a feeling of never measuring up, always trying to find acceptance, validation, and approval from others because I couldn't find it within myself.

It is good for me to remember what it was like when I came into recovery and to be grateful for the gifts that sobriety (soundness of mind) brings. Those feelings of self-worth, self-esteem, self-respect, self-love, self-acceptance, and self care.

Attachments:

[Lin]

I never had the problem of wishing there were more drugs or more alcohol, but I definitely relate to being told over and over how I can't do anything right, can't make good choices, am stupid, Worthless , not as good as siblings, etc. By the time you hear it over and over for years and years, you beleive it. Then it's quite tricky to turn it around. Luckily, I have been able to turn those negative message around and today UI DO belive in me!

LIN

[caressa]

Thanks for sharing Lin. I have been thinking of all the times I hid in my bed and used it as a form of escape away from the alcoholic in my life and away from my responsibilities and fears. If I didn't hide in my bed, I went out and shopped, spent my money because "I" deserve a treat today and I want some "thing" to make me feel better instead of going within and connecting to my Higher Power.

It is so much easier to look without than within. When I am trouble or have trouble getting motived, I try to remember when and what it was like and be grateful for today.

When I find myself in today wanting to go to my bed I have to look at my motive and intent. The same with shopping, "Do I need it or is this just an escape because I don't want to be alone with me."

Today there is a part of me that needs to go out but there is a voice that says you have lots of food and books you don't need to go until tomorrow, only tomorrow often never comes or when it does, it is too late. Books are sent back, fines to pay, the market isn't open tomorrow and won't be open until Thursday. So many times before recovery I put things off, rationalized and justified my behavior only to hurt me in the long run.