sponsorship question

[Lin]

I guess I want validation for my feelings. Perhaps I will get the opposite.

ABout 2 years ago a lady asked me to be her AlAnon sponsor. I said yes. I soon learned she was much more of an emotional person than I ever guessed. HEr insecurities and her neediness were more than I coudl handle at times. Then about 6 months ago, she called me and said she found a new sponsor...one who was also bi-polar and she could relate to her much better. I said...Fine. I understand. I was actually relieved. Then within a few weeks that sponsor got deeper in her own illnesses and was not available on any level. SO the girl started calling me again...Sucking me into her chaos. ..wanting my help. ...wanting my advice and support. Today she called and told me she had given up on the other lady and did I mind if she continued to call on me. I told her..sure you can call. What I really want to say is...you can call, but don't ask me to be your sponsor again. I really did. It's like she fired me and wants me to take her back as my charge.

Should I come out and tell her to find another sponsor? I dont want to go thru that again. Her mental illness problems are much more than I am capable of dealing with. I suggested another person and her reply was she is too busy. Hmmm. i have a home, a family, 3 dogs, and 2 jobs. I sponsor one online alalnon and now 2 ftf. I dont have time. I'm too busy.

I jsut want to call her and tell her that I am also too busy to take on another sponsee.

Is that mean? I dont want to be mean. that's why i told her she could call me.I have gone way out of my way to help her...especially with a tutoring job she took on recently. I've helped her financially. I've helped her spiritually and emotionally. But then she fired me. I want to wash my hands and be done with her drama. it makes me tired to constantly be having to reassure her .

What do you think>

LIN

[caressa]

Just posted on another site, "I can't be an AA sponsor if a person isn't willing to work an AA program.

It has been my experience, if someone keeps coming to me time and time again with the same issue and hasn't taken steps to make changes, they really aren't interested in recovery and just looking for a dumping station.

Someone can't be me and work my program, they have to find their own program. All I can do is share my esh and what they do with it is up to them. I don't want sponsee to be me, I want them to find themselves. What worked for me, might not work for them. If someone is put in my path, then I generally feel they are meant to be there. If they are to continue to be there or leave and come back, I often have a lesson to learn and/or a boundary to set.

Do you have the Courage to Change Book or another Al-Anon meditation book? There are some good reading on sponsorship there. I personally have had several sponsors, each one had a lesson to teach me and then it was time to move on.

I have been fired and I have done the firing. I have sponsored people with multiple personality disorder, attention deficient disorder, and suffered from bio-polar, schizophrenia, depression, and post traumatic stress disorder. I didn't carry all those labels myself. They were just people looking for recovery. For the most part, I suggested outside help. I could sponsor but there were some issues that I wasn't qualified to handle.

[Lin]

Thanks Caressa. I think this lady has every one of those labels you mentioned. I honestly dont feel I am capable of helping her any more. I htink I know what I have to do. I jsut know she will be devastated. I just can't do it anymore.

I especially liked what you said abotu peopel coming back wiht the same problem over and over . It's like I want to say...did you not hear me the last 20 times? You need to let go of this person and move on! This is exactly what she has done. She has so many problems at once its drainign me to try to help her see some clarity in even one area.

I did try to call her a few minutes ago, but I got her voicemail. That either means she's on the phone or she's not home.

Hopefully I can talk to her tomorrow. thanks again for your support. I don't want to be mean. I never want to be mean. I jsut know I can't do this again.

LIN

[Lin]

Follow up. I tried calling her several times and finally got her Monday afternoon. I told her I was not mad at her...still wanted to be her friend. I said I can't be your sponsor. I told her I am not a therapist. I tried and tried to help, but I felt so inadequate because she has so many issues. Then I said...when I suggested so and so, you said she is too busy. Don't you think I am busy? I have 2 jobs, a home, an active alkie hubby and 3 dogs to take care of. Does that not make me busy? She said that when she calls me at school I always have time to take to her. I said..yes..I do. But that's becaues I make time. I hand over what I am doing to my teacher's aid and talk. I can't keep doing that. It's not fair. She said she understood. We have our f2f Monday night and she did not come. I'm not sure if it was because she was so upset she could not drive or what. My call to her was abotu an hour before I left for the meeting. I felt better that I got out what I was feeling. She had "fired me" for a lady who she coudl relate to and that fell through. She wanted to come back to me and I set a boundary.I followed teh phrase..I said what I mean and did not say it mean. I guess if she takes it that way, that's up to her.

LIN

[majestyjo]

My first sponsor fired me because she was too sick to give me the attention she felt I needed. I asked a woman to be my temporary sponsor. She had time in the fellowship, but like you said here, she was very emotional and I didn't always identify with her. When I found a sponsor she was jealous. That sponsor didn't work out, had her for 2 years. She never had time for me unless I went to her place and did data entry work for her while we talked. She was an addiction counselor in Toronto and I did my 5th Step with her. I asked my first sponsor to take me back into the fold. Besides AA, she too qualified for other fellowships on both sides of the street, had an eating disorders (she was afraid of losing weight and I had a fear of gaining.) and practiced Reiki. I still talk to her in today.