Post by caressa on Feb 19, 2010 13:19:33 GMT -5
ACOA’s overreact to changes over which they have no control
I identified so much with the literature in ACoA. I was so grateful that I was introduced to AA first or might have died in my denial.
I took everything personally. If my parents had an argument and my mother chose to sleep on the couch, it was my fault.
If my boss made a decision to not pay a bill, and a customer complained it was my fault. Yet how can I take on the blame when my boss chose to carry the checks I issued in his briefcase instead of mailing them. People would phone and I would say, "Well I issued a cheque on such and such a date, you should have received it." Not knowing until much later when my boss reached into his briefcase to take out papers also took out a pile of checks in stamped envelopes out too.
Every time I chose to make a decision let alone to make the change itself, I worried how it would affect everyone else around me. I stewed and stressed and even though it would be in my best interest, I had trouble making changes in my life. I was fearful of the selfish, self-centeredness they talked about and didn't know that I need to practice self-care.
I liked the structure of routine and I used people, places and things to put things back together my way and was very careful not to upset the applecart, because I had touble with others confronting me and holding me accountable although it wasn't always my fault, I felt like I was going to be blamed anyway and often was. So many times I was the fall guy.
It was like I had to justify and rationalize my existance, my reason for being. It was never okay to be me.
Losing the fear of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, and/or doing what needed to be changed was such a gift.
. I will be back looking for Lin and others.