Weekly Topic: Manipulation

[SunnyGirl]

Manipulation is not saying what you truly mean, it's a more
subtle type of control. In a nut shell, it's trying to sweet
talk someone into giving us what we want. "Fishing for
compliments" is just another form of manipulation...

I hate to admit it, but I am guilty of this at times and using
manipulation to get my way is not an honest way of going
about getting what I want or need. I think codependent
people are very often the ones that use this go get their
way. Playing the part of a martyr and acting like a victim
are a big symptom of this....

LiveStrong.com has an very good article about manipulation.....
www.livestrong.com/article/14680-eliminating-manipulation/

Today I am determined to work hard to show honest feelings
and not use manipulation to try to get my way....

Any thoughts on this weeks topic?

Peace on the journey, SG

[caressa]

My first thought was, "Who moi?" That is about the extent of my French. Yet that says it all, trying to portray something I'm not to get what I want. I will be who you want me to be so you will love me, give me what I want and so much of it was conditional instead of giving freely.

I think I may have mentioned this, perhaps in the Step Study. In my first relationship in recovery, my friend went for coffee with a buddy after a meeting. I had stayed home probably because of a migraine, not sure why. Those days I seldom missed a meeting especially the Saturday night home group meeting.

I made up my mind that I wanted to go some where or do something, don't even remember what now. When he came home, I am not sure that I was nasty, but I think I was probably confrontational because he said, "I am sorry, but I can't read minds." My thought was, "Well I can."

Because I new what he was going to say often before he knew he was going to say it. He was a great one for projecting his stuff onto me and wanting me to fix it or do things for him. He wanted things in a certain way and didn't like it when the pattern was broke. As a said to a friend later, "I wonder how many molds he built, trying to get one to fit me." My friend said, "He probably ran out of clay."

So at the time, I hadn't had a healthy relationship in my life and I was trying and making mistakes. He had a year in recovery, and when I told him he needed to make space for himself instead of taking over mine, he left. Got himself an apartment, left his room in the YMCA, went to school, got a job, and ended up helping others. He died sober.

[caressa]

I was just reminded how we bend rules to fit the occasion or to make our idea fit into the mold of things.

I know that I personally, have broke many molds. I do not fit into most people's idea of a woman. Perhaps that is why I have never had a healthy relationship. I am a free spirit and very much my own woman.

No more of: this is how a woman should act, this is what a daugher should do, this is a wife's role, this is what you are suppose to do as a good little Christian girl should act."

It is important to have structure and a foundation to build your life on. Discipline and and organization are good, for most people but not strong points for me.

In a positive sense, I think it is important to take those old tapes, rules and regulations, and change them to fit the person that I am in today.

Today it isn't self-centeredness and the need to be in control, it is going and doing where my God leads me. It always amazes me when I am lead to a certain site or book, say a prayer and what I need is there. It can be my sites on Multiply or Yahoo, Milkman's Circle for Recovery, Recovery Inn or here. I always get what I need. I have several books and it is the same with them as well as the readings I get from Hazelden or Higher Awareness. I have so many other sources, like Antestian Newsletter, Just for Today, and the Daily Guru.

If I manipulate, I will look at a reading, not like it and pick up another book, go to the next reading, etc. until I hear what I want to hear instead of what I need to here.

So often when I don't like something, it is my own denial that is manipulating me.

[SunnyGirl]

I've found that I am most easily manipulated by family
members... I keep noticing when they change topics
mid-sentence, start playing the blame game and trying
to guilt me into something, I know I am being played.

Have you ever noticed how determined they can get
when they're in the spotlight. We might be discussing
something they said or did and all of the sudden they
remind you of the time you..... Or they deny their part
and try to shift the blame or the always famous, "if you
wouldn't have done this I wouldn't have said that"....
Anything except finishing the original conversation.

For my part, I intend to step up and accept the blame
when I am guilty of something. I am not going to try
to pass the buck or change the topic. If I am wrong I
will admit it and I will try to never do it again... None
of us are perfect but trying to manipulate a situation
to come out for our greater good is just plain wrong!

Peace on the journey, SG

[caressa]

Taking responsibility for ones actions is NOT an alcoholic/addict strong point. It is a good indicator that they are an addict.

For many addicts, the act of 'getting away' with it is half the high and the reason behind using. It has been my experience, as a result of going to the local jail to put on meetings, that many do it for the chase. They don't think of what brought them to jail, they think of the number of times they got away with the act.

Talking a good story is a characteristic of an alcoholic. Thankfully, when they get clean and sober, that can be channeled and led into something positive instead of something negative.

The characteristics of an adult child of an alcoholic is super responsible or totally irresponsible.

[caressa222]

Have been manipulated by others, and I have given up my power and allowed them to. Have done my share of wearing the shoe on the other foot. Not something I want to find balance in. In today, I prefer honesty. What you see is what you get.