Sunday's Chip - character defects

[caressa]

Sunday's Chip - Willing to admit faults/Self-righteous

Sometimes I think I am too willing. I think in the back of my mind, I excused them for who I was in today, or more importantly, who I thought I was in today.

In the beginning, I couldn't find anythng positive. I was self-righteous too because I thought my problems ended when I stopped using. There was nothing wrong with me now. My friend proceeded to take my inventory for me. Then my sponsor said, "Now balance it all out by finding the positive."

Some of my favorite lines are: "God and I are working on that!" "My defects of character were glaringly appaent today, I need to discuss Step Six." "Step Seven is acting out my character defects, falling short of who my God would have me be in today." A defect can be a thought, a shortcoming is often the enactment of that character defect. It is one thng to think derogatory thoughts about someone, it is another thing to tell them what you are thinking."

They are healed, they come back, I turn them over again, they are healed, then they sneak back, and then I may hang onto it for a while and then turn it over. It all is a process. God can, I can't, just for today, We will work on it together.

[SunnyGirl]

Willing to admit faults/Self-righteous

Generally speaking, a self-righteous person is someone who
is intolerant of the opinions and behavior of others. But, in
religion it's the quality or state of being righteous, holiness,
purity and uprightness. Using the bible definition of self-righteous,
it would never be considered a defect of character. I am
almost never intolerant of people places or things, but I have
my limits and when I can take no more I will put up boundaries.

I am human and I am subject to error... When I make a mistake
I will admit it and then work hard to keep from repeating it.
Sometimes if it is part of my personality that offends someone
I can try to change it, but it doesn't always work. IMHO, many
people want those around them to change and can see nothing
on their part that needs fixing. I try to except people as they
are, I can't fix them, so my choice is to accept them (warts and
all) or walk away. Every now and then God will give me a little
nudge and remind me I am not perfect and I need to keep working
on ME.....

Peace on the journey, SunnyGirl

[caressa]

When I quit smoking, I found out I was alergic to smoke. Not cigarettes, but the smoke. I couldn't go outside and stand with others and everyone thought I was a snob and being a self-righeous non-smoker.

I got so clean I was squeaky and everyone looked at me like a self-righteous sinner. It wasn't that I hadn't done, or thought of it, or heard about it, I just chose not to go there any more.

[facetedjewel]

Last night I found myself getting angry and self-righteous at my boyfriend, who is for all intensive purposes an alcoholic. We had gone out to dinner and while I had a couple of glasses of wine, sipping slowly with dinner, he proceeded to drink his vodka and soda quickly. I asked him to sip and of course that made him annoyed with me. I tried to keep my mouth shut, as I know intellectually it does no good, but my emotions took over and I began picking on him in a hostile manner. I have been under stress and he was the dog that kicked. Everything he did I had something to say about. The drinking makes me very angry, and escalated from there.

I grew up in an alcoholic home and was the parentified child, and feel he triggers this in me all over again as his drinking has escalated the three and half years we have been together. At one time we lived together, but now he lives the majority of the time with his mother. We are certainly not kids, I am 53 and he is 58.

I know the sensible thing to do would be to break our relationship off, yet I don't feel that I am ready to. Part of me says, why not??? I am not married to him, we have no children in common there is absolutely no reason to stay together, yet I can't just end it as most "healthy' people would do.

I think I am just in the very beginning of my recovery, having just attended three al-anon meetings, although I have been in years of therapy. In fact, it was my therapist who suggested I start attending al-anon because I was focusing my life on controlling his drinking, which I know I can't. I am a mess right now and feel guilty for jumping all over him. I know I need help because I want peace and am generally not a mean person. He just irritates me at times when that happens I take everything I am going through out on him. I need to do some reading and call someone to talk. I do not want to go on like this.

Hugs,
Jewel

[caressa]

Thank you so much for sharing Jewel. I took the 12 Steps to my therapist. I am the daughter of an alcoholic, my mother died at the age of 40 as a result of her food addiction, I married a man who probably qualified for sex anonymous, who as a person would not admit to anyting, I remarried thinking he was different, only to find he was an alcoholic. I could match him drink for drink, he was a falling down drunk, I was a functional alcoholic. My son is a self-admited alcoholic. I have one reason to go to AA. I have 3-33 reasons to go to Al-Anon.

There are a lot of good posts on learning to deal with alcoholism. Things that show us how to live with us and other things to show us how to continue living with the alcoholic without losing ourselves and our identity and who we are.

Al-Anon was a life saver for me. It wasn't just family it was co-workers, sponsees, and friends. Even more importantly it wasn't about them, they were not going to change, it became about me and my recovery. What I needed to do for my own health and well being.

[SunnyGirl]

Thank you for sharing Jewel.....

"But For The Grace Of God” this is one of my favorite
slogans, it reminds me to be a little more compassionate
with my addicted loved ones. I do not have the power
to change or fix them, all I can do is be willing to make
changes in myself that will help me to find peace and
serenity in my life.

I know when I allow myself to get in a snit and start
getting impatient and resentful with others, this ends
up hurting myself as well as others. I still have to work
hard at keeping the focus on myself, but it's all about
progress, not perfection! One day at a time, my friend!

Peace on the journey, SunnyGirl

[BW]

Thanx for sharing Jewel..I'd like to share a story with you of a gal I sponosred . A grown adult who would visit her mother often. Her mother berated her every time she visited. She would leave in tears. But would always go back. She came to me saying she was sick and tired of being sick and tired and that she was fed up being the dog her mother was kicking. I asked her why she was volunterring to be the victim and suggested that when her mother did this that she leave...just politely say.."I'll see ya later". She did this..she visited her mother and yes, her mother again and again did the same thing and the gal did as i had suggested, put her coffee cup down and politely said.."I'll see ya later just as soon as her mother began with the jugements and the critical stabbings....After the 7th time the mother asked her why she was leaving and she was able to actually tell her, in a gentle manner, that she was not her whipping post and that she did not have to accept the verbal beatings. They began to have a loving relationship. The timing was so perfect because it was only a few short months after that the mother passed away.

[caressa222]

When we take the focus off them and apply the 12 Steps to ourself, we do recover one day at a time.