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Post by lala on Feb 16, 2004 15:56:11 GMT -5
today is the day a brand new day i me and my other half finally came to the same conclusion and were willing to take action on it .........it is however painful but i know as well as he that it was the absolute right thing to do and not just that but it had to be done for both our sakes this time arround i can see how unhealthy i and the relationship was and i cant afford to have unhealthy things in my life at this time i have to focus on god and staying sober one day at a time.........that is hard enough so though it hurts and it will for a while i know it was the right thing for me and my sobriety as well as his.....lala
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Post by Caressa2 on Feb 16, 2004 17:54:42 GMT -5
Endorse yourself for doing what was good for you LaLa even though it is painful.
I was just talking to a friend and we were discussing how recovery can break up long-term marriages and relationships because we out-grow the other person, we continue to change and the other person doesn't, one is using and the other isn't, or both are using and when one gets clean, you are looking at a different person. You don't see them through the same eyes, your eyes are opened and you see things you never knew about them and yourself.
Sometimes people just grow apart, other times we have been looking at the world with rose-coloured glasses or have been wearing shades for so long, we didn't know our perception was off and when things are brought into the light, they just don't seem the same.
Sometimes we can change and the relationship becomes better and in other cases, it just needs to be detached from, not because of right or wrong, but just because we are no longer the same people.
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Post by lala on Feb 17, 2004 0:39:04 GMT -5
thank you corissa you are so right and in this case its just a matter of growing apart for me i just know where my focus lyes right now thats with my god and nothing or knowone else cuz with out god i have nothing...lala
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Post by preciouschihua on Feb 17, 2004 9:57:18 GMT -5
Ouch! Too close to home on this one.
I am right in the middle of the ordeal.
Glad to see you two could make decisions,
thats a very hard one to swallow.
Suz
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Post by Tiger on Feb 17, 2004 14:38:24 GMT -5
Hi Lala,
Hi Lala,
Lala *must* stay sober and clean for *Lala* - not your other half!
This is the selfish part of this program!
You have to have "unconditional surrender" and be willing to "let go" anything or anyone that can cause you to go out again.....because if you do go out again, who suffers the remorse, guilt and despair.....not your other half.........YOU WILL!
Tiger
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Post by Caressa2 on Feb 17, 2004 23:19:00 GMT -5
This is material I received in the mail the other day, perhaps it can help both of you find your own space. Tiger is right, recovery is about us. It doesn't matter which side you are on. Sobriety for me is soundness of mind.
Accepting Love
Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.
To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we're so tired we don't care.
Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.
In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.'
We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, and then let the relationship find it's own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?
Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, and the work?
We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help the other person, the relationship, or ourselves by trying to force it or by doing all the work.
Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.
Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their
own level. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share.
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Post by rosepedilgirl on Feb 20, 2004 9:53:28 GMT -5
LETTING GO;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
its hard but a very healthy way to get things done right.
i 've cried myself of letting go...
it's ok,,,
the cleaning out faze......
the tear wash it away.. and clean the path for the new to come in...
when the new comes , we look back and wonder why!
why did it take me so long to see it and let go...
but we all go throw this....................in one way or
another...
i can remember kathern saying, she had a shirt that
she held on to , it was a drinking shirt, marks all
over it from stains of the drinking life, she thought looked so good on her....
well i also remember her saying ;;she throw it away today......
letting go...........................................................
today we all could ask her,,, how many new clean shirts do you have.
and i bet she'd say a closet ful.......
all with a good memory attached to them,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
its ok and it's healthy..
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Post by preciouschihua on Feb 20, 2004 10:43:28 GMT -5
Ooops -- double post, sorry!
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Post by preciouschihua on Feb 20, 2004 10:56:41 GMT -5
Caressa 2--  Thanks for your response, = accepting love I especially relate today to the part where the other person was unavailable or refused to participate to compensate for the other persons - we worked even harder . . . . . . . . . I need this book, or wherever you got this from. exactly what's going on with me today. working even harder, and getting exhausted, both being so tired we don't care, and realizing there is no relationship. I am going on almost 30 years of this same stuff. and the older I get the more tired I am getting. (((this post hit Suz's button ))))) LOL as you can see........... reading on and on, self defeating, (((((((((where did you get this?  )))))))))))))))) I need to read the whole enchelata. the whole thing (((((((scratching my head so glad someonelse it seems went through this same disgusting thing.)))))))))) (s)   illusion of relationship - when in fact there may be NO relationship ------------------- VICTOMIZED --- Amen Sister !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok, that got me, ------------(((((((quiet thinking now)))))))) victomized, --- leaving us tired, wore out needy and angry well, --------------- that's Suzanne **** in a nut-shell. that's me. describing me to a T reading all the next questions. my answers are Yes, yes, yes,yes,yes,yes,yes, and more yes. AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am reading about myself, that's me, exactly. Yieps! ((((((((((((((NOW I AM SHOUTING TO MYSELF HERE)))) THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME.!!!!!!! my voice is bouncing off the walls, and back to the computer. ((blood pressure going up and hot now)))  Thanks so much for this post. (((((I can see it now, I am going to end up a no-mad) a hermit-ess, homeless, ((by self)) I am going to take a long walk outside on this one. (((really got my concious thinking now))))))) If I stop doing all the work, ----- it's going to be just me and my little chihuahua again. Awwwwwwwwwwfully lonely Suz |
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Post by Caressa2 on Feb 20, 2004 18:26:38 GMT -5
My second marriage broke up when I was 40, and at the age of 41 I made the decision to quit drinking, and then one night I brough home a 25 year old to share my bottle and my body and the next morning I woke up thinking, is this how I plan to spend the rest of my life. I might as well put a red light outside my door. From that moment until I was seven years into recovery at the age of 56, I had a man relapse.
Men were my problem, and at 45 I was on my own, my son left home, I didn't live with any of my family and my using escalated until I came into recovery at 49. I looked around and there were no men to blame for all my problems. Even in recovery for about three years, I didn't like being alone. I ran away from home regularly and can still do so. What I was doing was running away from myself. Me alone with me was bad company and I had to learn to focus on myself and off everyone else I could save and rescue and do the work to heal myself.
My partner has four years clean and sober and works a good progam. He doesn't believe and do everything I think he should do, but it is his progam, his journey and I am grateful he has chosen to share it with me.
This relationship is a sharing and caring one. I have trouble accepting the love and attention for myself. It is a new experience. I have had to learn to give to myself what I gave to others for so many years.
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Post by dg on Feb 20, 2004 22:15:08 GMT -5
Wow awesome thread here! Now I am thinking.... |
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Post by rosepedilgirl on Feb 21, 2004 20:18:02 GMT -5
being independent and self supporting was always a factor in every relationship i have ever had.
i own a company witch keeps me going in life confortable.
but always seem to find a guy who works at first.
i think because of me they start relaxing more.
instead of keeping their own living going. they have
always liked what i can do for them.
gets on my nerves at times. iam not running my company to keep the guy iam with.
took me along time to say enough.
so i decided i just don't want anyone completely in my life right now.
i do well all by myself. and every time i get involved , i watch the same patterns forming..
where is my night'' who works and supports himself lol...
are there any out there...
i always have strived for better things and i always will.
i started my company on my own and very lucky that
iam 1# in my area. but where is the guy who strives for his own.
why can't i see him lol.....
every relationship i have ever been in, i feel
used me .. not at first but the middle and end.
i know i have higher standards.. ya i am not looking
for someone who can beat my income, just have own of their own....
whats so wrong with self supporting.....
if independence is the price for freedom,,, when i
guess i just have to choose to stay free and away of
relationships...
@--(--(-------
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Post by Caressa2 on Feb 21, 2004 23:29:13 GMT -5
Nothing wrong my friend, in fact my first relationship in recovery broke up three times after we got together three times, because he got comfortable in my space and didn't make a space for himself.
My friend has a job and I am on disability; it isn't always about money either, it is about give and take, whether it is time, your own identity and those special little gifts that you can't put a price on, like remembering you said you needed something and then goes out and gets it, even if it is a loaf of bread.
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Post by preciouschihua on Feb 24, 2004 9:42:54 GMT -5
More good reading here.
It seems to go almost hand and hand.
((thinking of starting a new thread, brain clicking))
that's dangerous, LOL
Suz
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Post by majestyjo on Apr 8, 2020 13:32:38 GMT -5
In today I choose to be on my own. Did my time. Never too late to take a time out.
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~With Peace & Love, dg~ 8*)[/b][/size]
. I will be back looking for Lin and others.