Self Pity or Grief?????

[johnnysgirl]

I have been going thru a lot of loss. I am going thru a divorce and the sale of my dream home. I have been packing and moving all my personal and 1/2 of the house hold stuff and putting it into storaage. The house is sold and will close at the end of April so I have just one month to get everything all packed and moved. I have 23 years of stuff from a 23 year old marriage and it is kinda overwhelming. I am having a hard time telling the difference between grief and self pity.
I never realized how close they are in
feelings.....I needed to share all this
Sincerely---Mistyeve aka Johnnys Girl

[Caressa2]

There are many stages of grief MistyEve. Sounds like you have a lot of compounded interest. Every change be it people, place and/or thing in our lives, is subject to grief.

The sadness, bargaining, depression, anger and acceptance isn't done in an orderly fashion and we can fluctuate between them all.

The end of your marriage, the loss of your home and security, your change in routine, the end of beng able to do things a certain way, the loss of articles which are no longer in your posession, the loss of the inter-action with your husband and the things he did for you, all contributing to your feelings.

Self-pity is only if you choose to stay there; but it sounds like you are taking action and doing what you need to do for yourself. If you have the poor mes, I would say you have a right to them, but they certainly aren't a place to stay and the only person that can get you out of it is you.

Instead of looking at what you have lost, perhaps you need to focus on what you are gaining. The new doors that are options and the freedom of choice as to what you are going to do with your life. God has a plan for us all, ask Him what He wants you to do with your life, what lessons you need to learn and aligning your will with God's, will make for a more peaceful journey.

Glad that you shared, keeping things inside only allows them to fester and grow.

God Bless.

[Tiger]

Hi Misty,



As I have said many times, the real old-timers of the "golden age of AA" had simple solutions to complicated problems of life.

The following is an exercise they would tell a new-comer full of guilt. It will also work for self-pity and grief over the past:

Take a container of milk and spill it all over your kitchen floor (that's the past)..Now, you have two choices - try to put that milk back into the container (it cant't be done, only an alkie would try . The second choice is to wipe it up and go on with your life doing the next right thing.

As one of those old-timers once told me "the entire AA program can be reduced to three words - Accept, Accept, Accept"!

Tiger

[frogdog]

Misty,

Grief is such a normal emotion when divorcing. What a sad time for you.

I agree with each of the responses above. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend and allow yourself to grieve. One thing I find that we addicts do is expect perfection from ourselves (and others, often). We tend to beat ourselves up when we are simply displaying human qualities.

So, yeah, it's getting stuck in grief that leads to self pity, but you gotta at least walk through the muck to get to the other side. If you try to go around it, it'll just come up around you when in another way...like anger or resentment. Take care of yourself as you would someone that you love the most.

Frogdog

p.s. Tiger, I love that spilt milk metaphor and am going to remember it the next time I beat myself up for something I can't undo.

[Caressa2]

Love the story Tiger. It brought a visual of me, spilling my coca-cola or worse still some "Crown Royal" on the counter and bending down to lick it up. The deadliest sin was to SPILL some! Heaven forbid!

It never ceases to amaze me how I stayed in denial for two years because I couldn't 'accept' my alcoholism. I didn't want to wear a label I had put on my dad and my ex-husband. Denial can keep us sick for a very long time. The only thing to bring us out of it as you say is acceptance, and all of it is such a big part of grief.

[johnnysgirl]

Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom
I sure do appreciate the fresh point of view. Love & Hugs---Mistyeve aka Johnny
Girl

[preciouschihua]

Wow thank you for sharing this and
I hope you keep posting.
I am either avoiding, or procrastonating, the same things.
You are not alone. Sometimes I feel I am procrastaning,
and I admire you for having the guts and determination to
plow right through this. I am afraid I am dancing everyhwere
to avoid this at this time in my life, so this is where I admire you.
your gutts. and determination. I may be silently making even more
mess, as I am trying so hard to avoid this same exact situation,
but deep inside I know all I am doing is putting it off, hiding it,
and as long as I do, I will be still right where I am, and
nothing changed. so, I admire your determination, and stamina.
Keep sharing, ((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Suz

[johnnysgirl]

Dear Suz----I don't feel brave or strong or gutsy!!! I feel like a Quivering Blob of Protoplasm!!!! Too much information??? Thanks for the kind words honey! Love & Hugs-Mistyeve

[johnl]

I think we all go thru self pity and grief in our lives.You are being hit with a lot at one time.But your going thru it sober change, and a new door are opening for you its what you chose to do with your new beginging ;D
JohnL

[johnnysgirl]

Dear John---Thanks for your compassion and understanding. Sincerely--Mistyeve

[majestyjo]

Like Tiger's story, we do have freedom of choice as to what we are going to do to handle life's trials and tribulations in today. So often it is many things and it can become overwhelming.