Post by Caressa2 on May 13, 2004 2:06:15 GMT -5
When I came into recovery, I went to two meetings a day for two years. It took that long for me to find acceptance of my disease and remove the blanket of denial.
I had to stay away from speaker meetings because I compared instead of identifying and I stayed sick. I went to topic discussion meetings, 12 & 12 meetings and Big Book meetings.
I had a long-timer tell people at a meeting to throw away the 12 & 12 because all the recovery they needed was in the Big Book. If I had just read the Big Book, I don't think I would have stayed sober, it is the tool of the Twelve Steps and Traditions Book, which I apply to my own life which kept me sober and allowed me to find sobriety.
People say the traditions are for the groups, but they have spiritual principles that I can apply to my life the same as the Steps. This is a living program, not a 2-4 hour program, but a twenty-four hour program. Words me nothings if they aren't followed by action.
The best way to stay clean and sober is "Not to pick up!" All substances are inanimate objects until such a time as I make the decision to participate and injest in the action following the decision. I also have a decision to make a decision to turn my life over to my Higher Power and work the rest of the steps into my life on a daily basis.
My spiritual advisor 12 years ago told me that if I kept one hand in the hand of a newcomer and the other hand in my Higher Power, I wouldn't have any hands free to pick up, whatevery substance I chose. That is still true today and we are both sober and he will God willing celebrate 48 years at the end of this year. I was gifted with the presence of several long-timers who had met Bill, Bob and Lois. I have gone to Al-Anon for twelve years as well.
A long-timer who had 25 years in the program went to meetings every day. He said, "I used every day, so I go to a meeting every day!" Another long-timer said, "Don't keep such an open mind that everything falls out of it!"
I remember the 'taste' of my very first drink. I also remember the guilt because it was communion wine. I search for years for that feeling, and many times I found it but I couldn't stop there, I always had to have more. Yet I never drank more than one beer in my life, I never had a black out with alcohol, I could drink from noon until closing and walk a straight line or drive on my own side of the road going home. I know I had cops follow me home and not pull me over. I never drank my booze straight, I always mixed it with coca-cola, and I hated gin and I know a few will shutter at this, but in order to drink a glass of scotch once I added a 1/2 tsp of sugar. I hated the taste of beer and added coca-cola to it, and all it did was make the cola taste awful. I stayed in denial about being an alcoholic for two years after I came into recovery because I didn't want to wear a label I put on my dad and my ex-husband. Today I know they were drunks, I was the alcoholic. They had a drinking problem, I had a thinking problem. I was the one who finished her husbands beer because he was too drunk to finish what was in the bottle. I was the one with the resentment that they drunk so much and passed out and I wanted to party and had to hide some away in the cupboard so I could continue to drink, I was the one that could match them drink for drink and bring them home, and still want more.
When I made the decision at 41 to quit drinking I didn't know about AA and I substituted with prescription drugs. They had been a part of my life for years also. I firmly believed that two 222s with my last drink helped me not to have a hangover and I didn't normally get them. I was put on valium at the age of 16. When I made the decision to quit drinking, I had consumed two 60 oz. bottles of white wine and a mickey of rye the day before. I would quit for about three months and then go out and reward myself with a bottle of Crown Royal, but I could never stay stopped. This is a progressive disease. When I moved into the YWCA before coming into recovery, I wasn't allowed to have alcohol on the premises, so my pill using escalated. Then I found myself going out (which was unusual because I had become very isolated) to have some wine with dinner and a couple of times had a few drinks with my son. I was on tyenol 3s about 10 a day, 18 mg. of tranquilizers 3 a day were perscribed, and I was generally taking at least two more a day, gravol when everything wasn't working fast enough, along with what the doctors call carbamazipine and the dealers call tegrital (not sure of spelling). The first pill I took I called the doctor to see if I should feel like I was walking 10 inches off the floor, he suggested I take a half pill. Being the good addict that I was, I took them as prescribed three a day. If these pills won't work in five months, they will never work and won't do the job, my doctor had me on them for five years. At his suggestion whent he social worker at the Y suggested that I go to treatment asked that I go to our local General Hospital and go to Relapse Prevention. I filled out eight legal sized pages of questions and had an interview, and they told me I didn't have a problem. My doctor said, "She needs that medication for her nervous disorder and migraines." The body manufactures the pain to tell you that you need more. In recovery, I was put on Imitrix for my mygraines and I became immune to them, I was taking the maxium dosage and they weren't doing the job. Sound familiar, think I heard that a few times in AA. When the elixar stops working, we keep looking for more.
I was always looking outside of myself to find something that would make me feel better. I couldn't cope with life at 16, by the time I came into recovery at 49, I was barely existing, let alone coping. When I moved out of the YWCA, I moved into my first bachelor apartment with 8 bags of what was called "Newfy luggage" to show for 49 years of living, one month shy of my 50th birthday. I had a tri-lite and a little square end table, I borrowed dishes and a mattress to sleep on the floor. I had four walls, and I had never been happier in my life. I had a stove with two burners and an oven which you couldn't put on at the same time. I would blow fuses all the time and have to wait for the landlady came home to have light. Yet I wasn't sitting in the dark, I had Light in my soul. I was free.
In today, I have the freedom from active addiction one day at a time. I am free to be myself. I now have a one bedroom apartment, I am on disability, and I have a new man in my life the past year who loves me for who I am, not as I see myself some days, but as he sees me. I have been sick for the last two years, many excuses to go out and use, but no reason to pick up. I owe it all to AA. I also went to NA, but AA is where my denial was, so I went there for my sobriety. I go to Al-Anon for the stinking thinking and to change my old tapes and to find myself. I am a daugher of an alcoholic father who died as a result of his disease. The daughter of a mother who died as a result of her overeating and they both died from heart disease. I was married to an alcoholic and I have a son who is a self admitted alcoholic and pot smoker.
Just for today, I do what ever it takes to stay clean and sober. For me, that means soundness of mind, at peace with my Creator, and in today, as long as I stay sober; I am granted freedom of choice and empowered to be Co-Creator of my own life.
When I surrendered, found acceptance and got honest, I found that my Higher Power and the Fellowship of the Spirit of all programs that I attend, gives me the freedom to be me and to 'live' in today. Each year of my recovery has been the best year of my life. I hope you can say the same. Life still happens, it doesn't get better, I do.
I had to stay away from speaker meetings because I compared instead of identifying and I stayed sick. I went to topic discussion meetings, 12 & 12 meetings and Big Book meetings.
I had a long-timer tell people at a meeting to throw away the 12 & 12 because all the recovery they needed was in the Big Book. If I had just read the Big Book, I don't think I would have stayed sober, it is the tool of the Twelve Steps and Traditions Book, which I apply to my own life which kept me sober and allowed me to find sobriety.
People say the traditions are for the groups, but they have spiritual principles that I can apply to my life the same as the Steps. This is a living program, not a 2-4 hour program, but a twenty-four hour program. Words me nothings if they aren't followed by action.
The best way to stay clean and sober is "Not to pick up!" All substances are inanimate objects until such a time as I make the decision to participate and injest in the action following the decision. I also have a decision to make a decision to turn my life over to my Higher Power and work the rest of the steps into my life on a daily basis.
My spiritual advisor 12 years ago told me that if I kept one hand in the hand of a newcomer and the other hand in my Higher Power, I wouldn't have any hands free to pick up, whatevery substance I chose. That is still true today and we are both sober and he will God willing celebrate 48 years at the end of this year. I was gifted with the presence of several long-timers who had met Bill, Bob and Lois. I have gone to Al-Anon for twelve years as well.
A long-timer who had 25 years in the program went to meetings every day. He said, "I used every day, so I go to a meeting every day!" Another long-timer said, "Don't keep such an open mind that everything falls out of it!"
I remember the 'taste' of my very first drink. I also remember the guilt because it was communion wine. I search for years for that feeling, and many times I found it but I couldn't stop there, I always had to have more. Yet I never drank more than one beer in my life, I never had a black out with alcohol, I could drink from noon until closing and walk a straight line or drive on my own side of the road going home. I know I had cops follow me home and not pull me over. I never drank my booze straight, I always mixed it with coca-cola, and I hated gin and I know a few will shutter at this, but in order to drink a glass of scotch once I added a 1/2 tsp of sugar. I hated the taste of beer and added coca-cola to it, and all it did was make the cola taste awful. I stayed in denial about being an alcoholic for two years after I came into recovery because I didn't want to wear a label I put on my dad and my ex-husband. Today I know they were drunks, I was the alcoholic. They had a drinking problem, I had a thinking problem. I was the one who finished her husbands beer because he was too drunk to finish what was in the bottle. I was the one with the resentment that they drunk so much and passed out and I wanted to party and had to hide some away in the cupboard so I could continue to drink, I was the one that could match them drink for drink and bring them home, and still want more.
When I made the decision at 41 to quit drinking I didn't know about AA and I substituted with prescription drugs. They had been a part of my life for years also. I firmly believed that two 222s with my last drink helped me not to have a hangover and I didn't normally get them. I was put on valium at the age of 16. When I made the decision to quit drinking, I had consumed two 60 oz. bottles of white wine and a mickey of rye the day before. I would quit for about three months and then go out and reward myself with a bottle of Crown Royal, but I could never stay stopped. This is a progressive disease. When I moved into the YWCA before coming into recovery, I wasn't allowed to have alcohol on the premises, so my pill using escalated. Then I found myself going out (which was unusual because I had become very isolated) to have some wine with dinner and a couple of times had a few drinks with my son. I was on tyenol 3s about 10 a day, 18 mg. of tranquilizers 3 a day were perscribed, and I was generally taking at least two more a day, gravol when everything wasn't working fast enough, along with what the doctors call carbamazipine and the dealers call tegrital (not sure of spelling). The first pill I took I called the doctor to see if I should feel like I was walking 10 inches off the floor, he suggested I take a half pill. Being the good addict that I was, I took them as prescribed three a day. If these pills won't work in five months, they will never work and won't do the job, my doctor had me on them for five years. At his suggestion whent he social worker at the Y suggested that I go to treatment asked that I go to our local General Hospital and go to Relapse Prevention. I filled out eight legal sized pages of questions and had an interview, and they told me I didn't have a problem. My doctor said, "She needs that medication for her nervous disorder and migraines." The body manufactures the pain to tell you that you need more. In recovery, I was put on Imitrix for my mygraines and I became immune to them, I was taking the maxium dosage and they weren't doing the job. Sound familiar, think I heard that a few times in AA. When the elixar stops working, we keep looking for more.
I was always looking outside of myself to find something that would make me feel better. I couldn't cope with life at 16, by the time I came into recovery at 49, I was barely existing, let alone coping. When I moved out of the YWCA, I moved into my first bachelor apartment with 8 bags of what was called "Newfy luggage" to show for 49 years of living, one month shy of my 50th birthday. I had a tri-lite and a little square end table, I borrowed dishes and a mattress to sleep on the floor. I had four walls, and I had never been happier in my life. I had a stove with two burners and an oven which you couldn't put on at the same time. I would blow fuses all the time and have to wait for the landlady came home to have light. Yet I wasn't sitting in the dark, I had Light in my soul. I was free.
In today, I have the freedom from active addiction one day at a time. I am free to be myself. I now have a one bedroom apartment, I am on disability, and I have a new man in my life the past year who loves me for who I am, not as I see myself some days, but as he sees me. I have been sick for the last two years, many excuses to go out and use, but no reason to pick up. I owe it all to AA. I also went to NA, but AA is where my denial was, so I went there for my sobriety. I go to Al-Anon for the stinking thinking and to change my old tapes and to find myself. I am a daugher of an alcoholic father who died as a result of his disease. The daughter of a mother who died as a result of her overeating and they both died from heart disease. I was married to an alcoholic and I have a son who is a self admitted alcoholic and pot smoker.
Just for today, I do what ever it takes to stay clean and sober. For me, that means soundness of mind, at peace with my Creator, and in today, as long as I stay sober; I am granted freedom of choice and empowered to be Co-Creator of my own life.
When I surrendered, found acceptance and got honest, I found that my Higher Power and the Fellowship of the Spirit of all programs that I attend, gives me the freedom to be me and to 'live' in today. Each year of my recovery has been the best year of my life. I hope you can say the same. Life still happens, it doesn't get better, I do.
TY FOR SHARING THAT. IT WAS SOMETHING I NEEDED TO READ THIS MORNING
My husband said he wanted to talk to me, that he was sorry, and la, di, da and little old me took him back. This same cousin married my husband's sister, (two first-cousins marrying each other and have two kids) and became my brother-in-law for a short time, but shortly after their wedding my divorce went through. My son was conceived on the rebound, when I was pregnant my husband resumed his running around (he ran around with another woman when we were seven months marred and fessed up to that and I forgave him) and the night my son was born, he was with another woman and when Kevin was two months old he moved in with her. I had only changed one diaper in my life before my son was born. I was terrified. I went and stayed with a girlfriend so she could show me how it was done. The first night home, my husband slammed the bedroom door at 8:30 p.m. and said, "Keep that kid quiet, I want to go to sleep I have to get up in the morning to go to work!" He had sold all our furniture which I had bought as a part of my trousseau and moved us into a furnished apartment. When he left the landlady didn't want a single mom living there and I had to leave. The first time of six that I started my life from scratch. We only drank on pay day if we went out some where and when we had a party which I think was twice. I went with a guy for a year afterward and only had one glass of champagne during that relationship, but when I moved back up home when my son was two, I became my father's drinking buddy.
. I will be back looking for Lin and others.