Step by Step

[majestyjo]

Step by Step

December 1

“Pity me the heart that is slow to learn

What the quick mind sees at every turn.“ – Edna St. Vincent Millay

“For a while …we can endure the intellect’s being ahead of the emotions, which is the import of Millay’s couplet. But as the years go by, the stretch becomes unbearable; and the man with the grown-up brain and the childish emotions – vanity, self-interest, false pride, jealousy, longing for social approval – becomes a prime candidate for alcohol. …(T)hat is a definition of alcoholism: a state of being in which the emotions have failed to grow to the stature of the intellect.” – Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, “They Lost Nearly All,” Ch 11 (“He Who Loses His Life”), pp 534-35.

Today, alcoholism cannot be arrested by intellectual strategies and I must measure – honestly – my emotional state. Without healthy emotions, the quality of my sobriety will likely be little more than my being a dry drunk. Accepting that alcohol is “but a symptom” of our underlying condition, we are compelled to seek sobriety by doing more than abstaining. If today the number of 24 Hours since my last drink is days, months or years, a measure of the quality of my sobriety may be in asking if I still harbor the emotions that I felt when I was drinking. If so, I probably need to review and refine my program. Sobriety is more than not drinking and comes with physical, spiritual and emotional renewal. The 12 steps give us a road map to recovery. Today, I need to look honestly at my emotional affairs. I’ve already tried the intellectual route. It got me nowhere. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.

[majestyjo]

December 2

Step by Step

” …Step Ten …suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear …We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone.” – Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, Ch 6 (“Into Action”), p 84.

Today, if a slip or relapse are preceded by thoughts that are mostly subconscious, a more diligent practice of Step 10 might be a refuge from a return to drinking. The 10th Step, the maintenance of the Fourth, could alert us to problems in our physical, emotional and spiritual conditions, and those conditions may well have led us to drinking in the first place. The importance of the 10th cannot be underestimated. It compels us to continue the Fourth Step on a daily basis, and do it honestly and diligently. With that honesty and diligence, we may find in the 10th some of the defects we acknowledged in our Fourth Step. By recognizing them before they reach the surface, we might be able to fight off the potential slip or relapse. At the same time, if we make conscious those thoughts that are otherwise subconscious and cave in to temptation or craving anyway, we most likely have not fully embraced the First Step – “Admitted we were powerless …” Today, I choose not to neglect my 10th Step. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.

[majestyjo]

December 3

Step by Step

“The explanation that alcoholism was a disease of a two-fold nature, an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind, cleared up a number of puzzling questions for me. …

“The obsession of the mind was a little harder to understand, and yet everyone has obsessions of various kinds. The alcoholic has them to an exaggerated degree. Over a period of time, he has built up self-pity, resentments toward anyone and everyone who dares to cross him, vanity and a critical attitude are character defects that gradually creep in and become a part of his life. Living with fear and tension inevitably results in wanting to ease that tension, which alcohol seems to do temporarily.”– Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, “They Stopped in Time,” Ch 10 (“It Might Have Been Worse”), p 380.

Today: “The alcoholic has (obsessions) to an exaggerated degree.” If today I catch myself critical or resentful of something or someone, myself included, let me remember that I might be feeling an exaggerated emotion that is one of my spiritual defects that began long before my drinking. If resentment comes easily to me even in sobriety or if my expectations of myself are unrealistic, let me see that I may also expect too much of others and that I may resent them if they do not meet my standards. Today, grant me honesty and knowledge to determine if the disproportionate feelings I harbored in my drinking days have carried into my sobriety and, if so, to find my answers in my moral inventory. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.

[majestyjo]

December 4

Step by Step

“If we have been thorough about our personal inventory, we have written down a lot. We have listed and analyzed our resentments. We have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on them as sick people. We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct, and are willing to straighten out the past if we can.” – Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, Ch 5 (“How It Works”), p 70.

Today, the promise to move past our resentments and other feelings that hurt ourselves and others is equivalent to a spiritual awakening. An intimidating or daunting achievement on the surface, such an overhaul is actually pretty simple. But the first rule is to want it, and the desire becomes a hunger if we accept completely and honestly the First Step – ” …admitted we were powerless.” Without that surrender, the task of rebuilding is likely built on an unsteady foundation, and the foundation may cave into a relapse. But if we understand that there is no reason to fight anymore and immerse ourselves in the First Step, the Second Step of coming to believe that a power greater than ourselves may come easier. With that, we have made stronger the foundation on which we can rebuild our lives. And if we see someday that the person we become in sobriety nowhere resembles who and what we were in our drinking days, we might understand that the rebirth of ourselves is a natural benefit of honestly working the program. So is the miracle of AA. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.

[majestyjo]

December 5

Step by Step

Today, religious vs. spiritual experience. “We are taught religion, but we are born of the spirit.” In recovery, considering a spiritual awakening, am I supposed to guide my program to a religion if I have have none? Not at all. A religious conversion means only that I have embraced a set of beliefs and canons that have been defined by the founders or administrators of an organized religion. This does not mean I live by that standard, however. A spiritual awakening, on the other hand, can be something as simple as seeing a truth about myself that I never saw before. I may not even realize I have had a spiritual awakening until I see, one day, that I have given up my character defects in favor of the program’s goals of selflessness and release from resentments, anger and fear. Today, I can understand that religion and spiritual maturity are parallel train tracks that never intersect, that one can have both religion and spirituality, or religion without spirituality, and spirituality without religion. Unlike my religious development, my spiritual awareness comes from within me, not outside. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.

[majestyjo]

December 6

Step by Step

“Shakespeare said, ‘All the world’s a stage, all the men and women merely players.’ He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. AA and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God.” – Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, “They Stopped in Time,” Ch 17 (“Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict”), p 449.

Today, no complaining if for no other reason than to experience not complaining. So much of my emotional energy was spent complaining in my drinking days and maybe even in sobriety. The end result is always the feeling of not getting my way with everything and everyone, and that kind of feeling opens the door to futile emotions like anger, resentment and smugness. Today, let me go without complaining about any situation and anyone, and let me remember that those against whom I complain probably have an arsenal of complaints they can unleash on me. And I can’t expect anyone to tolerate my complaints against them anymore than I want to hear theirs against me. Today, in not complaining, let me see that I might become a more serene person and working my program may be a little less difficult. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.

[majestyjo]

December 7

Step by Step

When membership in a fledgling movement hit 2,000 members in March 1941, “(AA) then entered a fearsome and exciting adolescent period. The test that it faced was this: Could these large numbers of erstwhile erratic alcoholics successfully meet and work together? Would there be quarrels over membership, leadership and money? Would there be strivings for power and prestige? Would there be schisms which would split AA apart? Soon AA was beset by these very problems on every side and in every group. But out of this frightening and at first disrupting experiences the conviction grew that AA’s had to hang together or die separately. We had to unify our Fellowship or pass off the scene.” – Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, Foreward, pp xviii-xix.

Today, my sobriety and recovery are not entirely my own and reflect the effectiveness and success of all AA, to some extent. This is my obligation to AA – to represent it to the best of my ability, and the best is measured to some degree by my role in my home group. From this passage in the Big Book when AA’s membership hit 2,000 people, that number since has multiplied by literally more than a thousand times. But there are still arguments in groups about who is to be allowed to attend meetings, who is in charge, if the group’s treasurer can be trusted with members’ money, if members are out for power. We as individuals and collectively need only look to the 12 steps and principles that require only the desire to quit drinking for membership, that we have no leaders and instead only trusted servants” And our group politics are dictated only by a group conscience. I ask today if I am a contributor to any friction in my home group or if I am a mediator in divisive issues. Either way, I am representing not only myself but the effectiveness of AA. Today, if my choice is to die separately or hang together, I could have had the former by continuing to drink. Today, I choose the latter. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.

[majestyjo]

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December 8

Step by Step

Today, Step Nine suggests that I atone to people I hurt with my drinking after I determine if those people are in a place in their own lives to accept my amends. The wisest measure may be in the Ninth Step’s qualification that amends not be made – not immediately – if they compound the initial injury or hurt other people. If I determine honestly that some people who are owed amends cannot or should not yet receive them, I must also understand I am not off the hook. I can offer a gesture if none other than getting and staying sober and working the program’s steps to build a new character for others to see. As for people to whom I can offer direct amends, I must also be on guard not to grovel or beg for forgiveness if my apology is rejected. For we do not bow before anyone in shame or guilt. As such, I cannot allow myself to be made the proverbial doormat for the wrongs to people to whom I owe amends. Today, fully respecting the integrity and intent of the Ninth Step, I need first to determine that I can offer immediate amends and, if I can, to guard against becoming their kicking post. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.

[majestyjo]

December 9

Step by Step

“Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.” – Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, Ch 5 (“How It Works”), p 64.

Today, I cannot hear too often that my drinking “was but a symptom” of a deeper emotional and spiritual turmoil that plunged me into alcoholism. Accepting this truth, logic brings the companion truth that abstinence from drinking by itself will not bring me the serenity and better life that sobriety promises. Without confronting and taking on the “causes and conditions” of my alcoholism, I may be a relapse waiting to happen. This is why, for me, I have to move beyond abstinence alone and work the steps of the program, from the gut-wrenching honesty of the Fourth Step to offering amends to everyone my drinking hurt and the spiritual renewal promised me in Step 12 – and its command that I be in some form of service if for no other reason than to take my attention off myself and on the needs and plights of the alcoholic who still suffers. Today, simply not drinking is not enough by itself and I look to the steps to guide me to the promise of being sober and not just a dry drunk. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.

[majestyjo]

December 10

Step by Step

Today, understand that gratitude and humility are not the same thing and why understanding the difference is important to our recovery. We may tend to believe humility is being sincerely thankful for the good we have experienced in sobriety. But this is not humility; being thankful is gratitude. Humility is the surrender of our own will to the higher power of our individual understanding. And why is humility vital to our recovery? In genuinely seeking the will of our individual higher power and the ability to carry out His will, we are abandoning the failed strategy of yesterday’s drunks – doing it our way. Most of us have been there and done that and, for most of us, it didn’t work. Today, we cannot express sincere gratitude and claim we are humble if we have not asked our higher power what He wants us to do and how to do it. With that expression, we loosen our grip on self-will run riot, and we have taken a step forward toward recovery. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.,

[majestyjo]

December 11

Step by Step

“For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt – and one more failure.” – Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, Ch 11 (“A Vision for You”), p 151.

Today, drinking to deal with emotions and people I could not handle, I ask if I ever found “release from care, boredom and worry” or a “joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good?” No,I didn’t. Alcohol was never a social luxury for me; instead, it was a way to oblivion so that I didn’t have to deal with what I couldn’t or didn’t want to face. “…(T)he great moments of the past?” Mine overwhelmed any good ones. With that memory, then, why do I want to reclaim any moments of my drinking past? I don’t. The program has given me the ammunition to deal with and face what I once could not. I don’t need alcohol now, and I don’t want it. In sobriety, I’m making better memories. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.

[majestyjo]

December 12

Step by Step

“What alcoholic can live with rejection? How devastating, too, are the subsequent feelings of inadequacy and self-pity. There’s only one answer – liquid comfort. The unwillingness to admit failure requires even further friendly intake. It becomes vital, also, that others not know of our defeats nor suspect our loss of confidence.”- Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, “They Stopped in Time,” Ch 3 (“Those Golden Years”), p 331.

Today, a drinking alcoholic cannot accept or live with rejection – but a recovering alcoholic can. With the Program, I see now that what is “rejected” is not my entire being but only what I have said and done. And when I was ill-equipped as a drinking alcoholic to learn, the steps of AA alert me when I am wrong, to promptly admit it and how not to respond verbally with emotion but with logic. Few are the feelings of absolute rejection. I am sober now, though, and I can see with the vision AA has provided that I do not have to perceive a “no” to be a total rejection of my whole being but only in what I have said or done. In the end, I am a member of AA, and the Program rejects no one. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.,

[majestyjo]

December 13

Step by Step

“In our belief, any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself, he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.” – Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, Ch 7 (“Working With Others”), p 101.

Today, recognize that we cannot shield ourselves from places or people that could trigger temptation because to do so is living in the problem of alcoholism and not in the solution of sobriety. I may well be required to attend gatherings where alcohol is available, or I may be in a relationship where my spouse or companion continues to drink. Shielding myself from any source of alcohol will undoubtedly limit my ability to carry out the command of the 12th Step – to work with others who are still drinking. While I certainly don’t want to risk temptation by returning to my past watering holes for a cup of coffee, I cannot reasonably expect myself never to be in a situation where alcohol is available. In those instances, then, I have AA to get through any temptation. It is up to me to invoke and put the steps to work. I am an alcoholic, but I am a recovering one. I have the choice to live with the problem of fighting temptation or with the solution of recovery. Today, I pick the latter. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.

[majestyjo]

December 14

Step by Step

Today, and hopefully every subsequent 24 Hours, I will include discipline in my recovery. Let me reach back into my yesterdays to learn from my mistakes as a drinking alcoholic and temper potential flareups of those mistakes with the discipline not to act or react as I did then. While I cannot undo the damage or hurt of my mistakes then, I can prevent them from happening again by applying the discipline of changing myself. With discipline, I may reach the point where it is second-nature and something I don’t have to consciously exert. This, in effect, is one of the spiritual awakenings or experiences promised in the 12 Steps. With discipline, grant me patience, logic over emotion, selflessness and kindness in place of intentional harm. Today, I begin to work consciously not to redo what I did wrong yesterday. Today, I expect progress from myself and not from the outside. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.

[majestyjo]

December 15

Step by Step

Today, I guard against associating the quantity of my sobriety with its quality. If my recovery consists only of not drinking and I have not tended to my emotional and spiritual diseases, I am little more than a dry drunk. Further, I need to understand and appreciate the truth that ours is a day-to-day reprieve and that weeks, months and even years without drinking is no guarantee that I won’t slip or relapse today. Even if my own sobriety dates several 24 Hours, let me understand that I am no more sober than the person whose last drink was 24 Hours ago and, likewise, that person is no less sober than I. But, if my own sobriety is several 24 Hours, let me also accept and respect the responsibility to the program. I may be asked to carry the message to someone who needs and seeks it. To that extent, I owe the program the integrity of my sobriety and pass it on to whoever seeks it. Today, I am sober 24 Hours. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.

[majestyjo]

December 16

Step by Step

Today, I will not empower anyone so strongly that their perception or opinion about me determines my sense of self-worth and security in myself and, especially, the quality of my recovery. In recovery, I can’t believe my purpose is to be everything to everyone or to meet the standards they set down. The reason for recovery is to stop drinking or using and atone for any injury and hurt I might have imposed in my drinking days. In some cases, amends may not possible nor can I control if my amends will be accepted. If I find someone is unduly harsh or critical of what I am in recovery, I can first ask if the criticism is warranted and whether I should work harder on a character defect. But if I find that the criticism is not justified, I can either take it with a grain of salt or ask if the person being unduly judgmental is someone I need even care about. If I can say honestly that my program has made me a better person and I am continuing to work the steps toward being a better person, I can believe I am at a secure place in recovery. Today, my self-confidence will be based on an honest look at where I am in recovery, not on what someone thinks. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.,

[majestyjo]

December 17

Step by Step

Today: A conscious decision not to say anything negative to or about anyone or any situation in my life. Instead, I will let only the positive in and, if I cannot find anything good to say or do, I will say or do nothing. Despite any problems in my life or their enormity, I have literally everything if I am sober, and I have a start if I haven’t drunk in the last 24 Hours. And I still have hope if I am drinking but have been tossed the lifeline of AA. Without sobriety or even the hope for it, other problems in my life will likely worsen simply because I’m either too drunk to deal with them or I’m trying to avoid them. And as for those other problems in my life, instead of complaining, I will deal with them as best I can and know that I have given my best. I might also learn that the positive is a much more serene place than the negative. Today, I have no time or need for the negative. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.

[majestyjo]

December 18

Step by Step

Today, if the holiday season is difficult or painful for alcoholics, I choose not to focus on the losses or reasons that make the season less than what it was in the past. I will not languish in the pain or mourn the losses of people who might once have been part of happier holidays, nor will I obsess in my guilt if my behavior contributed to this season not being what it could be. Instead, I will seek out examples of other people in greater need and want than I. If for no other reason than to force my attention off myself, I will volunteer for active work with a social service agency that helps people in need especially at this time of year, or to another cause that serves a cause other than my own. May I understand that my own pain, regret or losses is probably less than someone else’s, and I need to be grateful that mine are no greater. Today, I choose to seek a reason to celebrate and reject pain and sorrow. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.

[majestyjo]

December 19

Step by Step

Today, “Keep It Simple,: I won’t fight myself, anyone or anything so I can reach one of the program’s most cherished prizes: serenity. Instead, I will simply close my mind to the complications of the issues in my life and simply be. I will not focus on reaching the forest without first negotiating the trees, and I will not complicate how to get beyond the trees. I will simply move forward after first doing my best and trusting my Higher Power. If someone tells me the way to sobriety is to stop drinking, I’ll not pollute the answer with complications that make abstinence difficult. I will simply stop. If I have an amend to make, I will not complicate it by predicting or anticipating open arms or rejection; they are beyond my control. I will simply make amends and leave it to the other person and my Higher Power. Today, no complications, no “how’s,” “where’s” or “wherefore’s.” I’ll simply do it. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.

[majestyjo]

December 20

Step by Step

“When I entered a sanitarium for prolonged and intensive psychiatric treatment, I was convinced that I was having a serious mental breakdown. I wanted help, and I tried to cooperate. As the treatment progressed, I began to get a picture of myself, of the temperament that had caused me so much trouble. I had been hypersensitive, shy, idealistic. My inability to accept the harsh realities of life had resulted in a disillusioned cynic, clothed in a protective armor against the world’s misunderstanding. That armor had turned into prison walls, locking me in loneliness – and fear. All I had left was an iron determination to live my own life in spite of the alien world – and here I was, an inwardly frightened, outwardly defiant woman, who desperately needed a prop to keep going.

“Alcohol was that prop …” – Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, “Personal Stories,” Ch 4 (“Women Suffer Too”), p 226.

Today, my temperament as a drinking alcoholic was such that I can measure any progress in my recovery – if that temperament of then resembles now, I have not shaken off my “protective armor.” If not, I need to realize that armor is not protection from life’s “harsh realities” but in reality enslaves me to servitude to the dysfunctional thinking of alcoholism. My armor, in short, was not a protection against the realities of life but instead my prison that kept me out of life. Today, I look to Step 10 to continue looking for the character defects that forced me into self-isolation with nothing but alcohol and, today, I choose to live my life on life’s terms and not on alcohol’s terms. My prison of addictive behavior was of my own making, and the program guided me out. I look to the program today to stop me from returning. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M.