Just For Today

[caressa]

A few days ago I read, "If I can think of what I want, I don't need it." My Higher Power supplies all my needs. My needs are not always known to me; and many times I thought I knew, only to find out that it was as good for me as I thought. When I get needy, I get greedy. I always want more. Greed according to Osho means not being happy with what is in the moment. Always looking for greener pastures on the other side of the fence.

When I live in today, I never had it so good.

[caressa]

As a result of talking to a friend, I realized how much anger I had about my upcoming operation. They said it would be day surgery and I would be sent home and I resent the fact. This type of operation could cause infection and I when I had the operation 30 years ago, I was in for almost a week. I have my pre-op tomorrow so hopefully I will find out more.

I will just have to be in the moment, accept was is and let go and let God.

[caressa]

Well today is pre-op. I finally opened the package and found that I have a lot of paper work to fill out. Leave it to the last minute is an old pattern I haven't turned over to my HP, so this is a new thing God and I have to work on. I got a further shock by finding out that I will be there 2-3 hours. The positive thing is that I had the thought to get the folder ready and not forget it when I go to the hospital.

Off now to get ready. Wishing everyone a good day.

[caressa]

Went to bridge last night, had fun, but didn't play well. Wanted to run away from home and not do laundry, which I still haven't donet yet today. Perhaps it will get done after I go to the library to pick up the books I ordered and go to the market. I feel it is wise to go today because I may not be mobile for a few days after my operation on Monday.

I was able to use my program and not reply to a couple of the women at bridge last night. One was very condescending and sarky and I endorsed myself for not retorting. I remember when I use to be like that and thank God I don't have to go there these days. The other kept telling me to speak up because she couldn't hear me. My partner told me she annoyed him. He could hear me and that is what mattered. I didn't buy into her act. She has a long term resentment against me from when she use to be my partner. I called her on her behaviour toward an opponent who was an elderly lady of 90 and stopped playing with her. It is a shame when you can't enjoy yourself without tearing someone else down to make you feel good. I did this for many years. My tongue was a very wicked weapon and now I try to use it for good and healing others instead of tearing strips off them and forgetting to put them back together again.

[caressa]

Today is surgery. I must admit to a certain amount of fear. It comes from the fact that it is day surgery and the last time I had the surgery, even though it was 30 years ago, I was kept in for a week. I feel like I deserve at least one night. LOL. As they say, I have to trust the process and place it all into my HP Hands.

My Al-Anon sponsor and her husband are coming to pick me up at the hospital. My son is going to come by the hospital and will cook for me and do my housework for me until I am able to do for myself. I wsas told to have a shower this morning because it may be a few day before I can have another one. Yikes!

[caressa]

Got back home at 5:30 p.m. A great example of having too high of an expectation. Hardly any pain and feeling much better than I expected. They offered me morphone for the pain but I turned it down. They said I had to have something so I chose Tyenol 2s. I don't like taking anything, even though it is surgery. It didn't make me sleepy or high, so I guess it is alright. They gave me a prescription which I don't plan to fill.

[caressa]

Didn't go out today due to the fact that it has been raining. Miss not going to my Al-Anon meeting and going for coffee with the girls afterward. I did go down to the mall for bread and a little exercise and was very glad to get home.

It still amazes me how different the operation was this time compared to the one I had 30 years ago. I was in the hospital for at least five days and down for the count when I got home. It was nice to be able to have a shower yesterday. Science has come a long way. Much healing thanks to a lot of prayer.

[caressa]

How easy it is to ignore what we don't want to see. Old habits are hard to break and so easy to slip back into. I was told when I was in the hospital that there was trouble on the operating table with my heart. Today was the first time I thought of it since then and relating it to the pains I have been having prior to the operation and the wondering if it has anything to do with the muscle spasms I have been having since the operation.

I know when we focus on things we can make them bigger than they are. When I first got the muscle spasms I just took my calcium with magnesium. There is nothing I can do about them until the doctor's offices open on Tuesday unless they get so bad I have to go into emergency. The main thing is to stay out of the fear and stay in the faith that all is okay and that my body is going through changes and is a result of an operation. I think I had it in my mind that it was a new procedure and because it was day surgery it was going to be a walk in the park and I could just ignore it. So am doing what I have found works best in this program. Acknowledging it, turning it over, and letting go to the best of my ability in today.

[caressa]

Today was a very full day. I went to physio for the first time in about 10 days due to the holidays and my health issues. That was followed up with an ultrasound x-ray to check to see if the lump on my breast was healed, stayed the same, or grew. I was too late for my Al-Anon meeting but I joined the girls for coffee at Tim Hortons and had lunch. I had a couple of remember whens happen to make me grateful for my sobriety (soundness of mind). I met a woman on the bus that I knew from the YWCA. I was there for two years and left there when I was six months clean and sober. She is mentally challenged, yet every day she leaves the Y and goes out and about and does her thing, She has been at the Y for at least 30 years. I met a gentlemen while waiting for my bus home who calls me the Rock Lady. He asked me if I had any on me and I gave him an amethyst. I said, "What do you need it for and he said he was going through emotions and was still grieving his wife." He has been in an out of the program for years but the last two times (twice in the last year) I have seen him, he has been clean and sober. The third person I saw was a girl panhandling near the coffee shop. She went through treatment with me (her 9th treatment center), she got one year and relapsed and has been out there for the last 15 years. Every spring when I see her, I am glad to see that she has survived another winter. There is still hope although I am not sure, I am afraid there may be brain damage. She was 27 when we met. A beautiful woman, who thinks herself ugly. She could have been a model.

Tonight was leftover night, chicken fried rice because I was too tired to do much. I have been going to go to bed since 9 p.m. but haven't felt sleepy, my body is sore, and I am not looking forward to the pain of lying down. That is an old pattern for me. Not wanting to go to bed and staying up because I don't want to feel the pain. Which mean, now I have to do some meditation and go to bed.

Thank you for letting me share.

[caressa]

Have been experiencing some fear this weekend. There was blood in the discharge from my operation. I was warned of infection and it looks like there might be some. I don't have an appointment to see the surgon until the 28th of April. When I finished working today, I am going to try again to reach his office. I have faith that things will work out, but while it is happening, the fear is there.

I have an appointment on Friday to see my family doctor to get the results of the ultra sound I had done on both breasts. There is some anxiety there as a result of chest pains. If they keep up I will go to emergency. Your prayers would be appreciated.

[caressa]

Have always said that being born on April Foo's Day was the only excuse I had for the way I was. Of course, having to excuse my existance is an old behavior and one that had to be changed. It is okay to be me. When I accepted being an alcoholic, I admitted to being a fool who drank. In today, I don't have a drinking problem, but I can still experience those old thinking problems.

Went out to bridge last night. Beat myself up for making a couple of mistakes in my bidding. We ended up 3rd and got silver points. Tonight I am going to go again. Will be playing with a novice who I have never played with before. It will be fun. It is how you play the game and I must watch myself that I don't preach and teach and just enjoy the night.

[caressa]

Well today I am stressed! I got the results of my ultra sound and I have two cysts on the right breast as well as the one on the left. The surgeon may not have felt it when he examined me but apparently there is enough of it to smile and have it's picture taken.

My doctor told me today that in September I have to go for a mammogram and another ultra sound. Why does it have to grow bigger, why can't it be dealt with now? A cyst is a cyst no matter what size it is. They told me at first it wasn't cancer then the surgeon said there was a 2% chance that it could be, what are the odds next time. Guess I'm also a little angry.

[caressa]

Today I went to see the surgeon that preformed my operation and all is well. I don't have to see him again for another six months. Tomorrow I go to see the rheumatologist. Today when I went to the mall I saw a lot of people I knew. I find it to be a spiritual connection to go out and see people I know, especially those from the program. Today, there was only about four of the six people I saw who were in or had been in recovery. One was a member of the group I use to belong to, one a girl I use to sponsor but hasn't been in the room for years, a guy with over 30 years who has been in either in a wheelchair or a scooter since I came into recovery, and a guy who use to go to the meetings I opened for seven years.

Today due to health issues and the unknown, I quit my volunteer job because I have just too many appointments and have no energy left over to be there for others. They say to top up yourself and only give away the overflow. I have trouble finding enough to get 3/4s full some days.

[caressa]

Have been in a lot of pain due to the wet weather moving in. 99% of our snow is gone but we are promised some more this afternoon. It never ceases to amaze me how it can go from 15 deg. C to 4-8 deg. C. in a day. So many people blame God for things that don't go right in their life. I really don't think God is responsible for global warnings. It is the result of men making the decision to control the world and do things their way.

I went with friends for Chinese food for a belated birthday luncheon with the girls from Al-Anon. It started out with just my Al-Anon sponsor and I sharing, an invitation to another to join us, with an invite to others after the meeting to join us. Everyone wanted to go but weren't free, so it was postponed for a week and we ended up with eight women.

This weekend is a Bridge Tournament put on by our bridge club. My partner and I are playing this afternoon. I bought cheese to donate to the hospitality suite. This is only the second one I've played in here. I played two years ago and got a second and a first. The last time I played in Hamilton, my partner and I ended up first in our division in the afternoon, not over all.

They say things happen in threes so hopefully we will do well. Friday I finally made it up to the library. On my way to the bus, I stopped at a kiosk and bought $3. worth of Nevada Tickets. That is all I will allow myself to play now, if I win, I win, if I don't, I walk away. I won a $100. I went and got a hair cut. When I win something or am given something, I always try to buy myself something special. Something for me to treat me. For many years, I always did for others and never gave to myself. My money went for food, alcohol or my son. Today I don't like spending money on anything I can't eat or drink (laundry soap, filters for humidifier, bus fare, etc.). The difference today I am a recovering addict and don't use them for escape and to stuff my feelings.

[caressa]

Today, I copped out. I went back to bed. Didn't go to physio or to my Al-Anon meeting. I made the decision to go to the meeting if I woke up in time. I woke up 19 minutes after the meeting started. Turned over and went back to sleep and woke up at 1:30 p.m. and made the decision to have lunch rather than to walk three blocks to join the girls for the meeting after the meeting.

I did not feel good on the weekend. I am thinking now that it may have been a form of flu. I went to the chiropractor on Monday, my family doctor on Tuesday, go to physio tomorrow to see if I should continue treatment and get work don in the labratory to check my kidneys and bladder, and Friday is the eye specialist.

My doctor says the cysts couldn't be causing the chest pain so it must be just the polymyalgia or the fibromyalgia that is causing the pain. I did a search on both and the symptoms are similiar. I tend to forget that I can't do what I use to do. I still have that "I want what I want and I want it now," attitude but the mind is willing but the flesh is weak.

I have been trying to take care of me. Sat back and watch the Star Wars Saga on the weekend. Watch the CMT country awards on Monday. I am a big fan of American Idol and Dancing with the Stars. I understand that the Canadian version are coming up. I heard a person state on the commercial that they thought that Canadians are more talented than Americans. Sounds like war to me. Real fighting words! We do have Celine Dion, Shania Twain, Paul Anka, Bryan Adams, Avril Levine, David Foster, Alana Morrisette, etc. but percapita, the rest aren't as well known. I am not saying they are more talented, they just don't have the same exposure.

Have a good one!

[caressa]

Today I cancelled Darts. It looks like the snow is over. I am now going three times a week instead of four and have made my appointments in the afternoon. I still, after all these years, don't do mornings well.

Today the sun is shining and it is a warm 70 deg. F, 21 deg. C. Any day the sun is shining, is a good day. When it is warm, that is bonus.

[caressa]

Last night I went to bridge. My partner and I didn't do great, but we did have a good game and came first in C division.

There is a woman that playes on Friday that use to be my partner and I quit playing with her because she was disrespectful to a ninety-one year old woman. How can you berate and put down a woman of that age and feel good about yourself.

We played against her a few weeks ago and she kept telling me to speak up she couldn't hear me. My partner could and he was turning the cards, but I did make a conscious effort to raise my voice. Last night she made a decision to bid no trump instead of hearts and got a top score. She was talking about it two tables later. That is not the spirit of the game that the director tries to encourage at the club. This woman also changed a bid and although it was suspect, we said nothing. My partner questioned me on the way home after asking for a ruling from a woman who has her own club in another city, and I said, "If you don't fuel the fire, it will go out." We did have a right to call the director. She was right in her bid, it was the way she did it that wasn't acceptable. We could have made a big issue of it but chose to let it pass. Why give her the honour and glory of letting her know she was right? ;D

Tonight is party night and I am playing with the newcomer that I just started playing with. Barry hasn't been playing as long as Bonnie, but she is new to the club although I get the sense that she is an eager beaver, she needs to be grounded. Last night she came in all exuberant and bubbly and hugged and kissed my partner (he is gay) and a woman talking to us who by her own admission wasn't a touchy feely type of person. I suggested to her that she ask permission and ask the person, "Do you do hugs?" I told her it was disrespectful to invade someone's space without asking for permission.

Program sure helps when dealing with Earthlings. I called my Al-Anon sponsor that the other day and she didn't know whether to take it personal and be insulted or accepting. She likes her wine and I often saw at the beginning of our relationship a sense of guilt when she mentioned drinking it. If the guilt is there, perhaps she needs to address it, it is her business not mine.

I know I can't drink safely. Just for today, I choose not to use.

[caressa]

Today has not been a good day. I have spent about 6 hours of it in my bed. I don't like posting anything negative, but life happens and that is the way it is. I don't know if it is the flu, chronic fatigue, or depression, perhaps all of the above.

I had thoughts of going out and enjoying the sunshine and 19 deg. C weather but that was all I did. Thought doesn't get me anywhere unless I follow it up with action.

[caressa]

Today I justified my not going to my Al-Anon meeting, after the fact. I woke up at 11:26 a.m. and rolled over and went back to sleep instead of getting up and making the effort to make it for noon, knowing it would have been okay to walk in late. I only live five blocks from it.

The justification was that I was home for a sponsee who called me and woke me up at 12:30 p.m. The reality is I have an answering machine. She went away for long term treatment and hadn't talked to her for 4 1/2 months. She went through a difficult time when she got home, relapsed and then called me when she chose to come back into the rooms after one day of using. Too bad she didn't call me before she picked up. It is a pattern with her, so all I can do is be there for her when she does call.

The good news is that I am to meet up with her and go with her to a meeting on Monday. She said perhaps we can meet next week, so I chose Monday.

Please keep her in your prayers.

[caressa]

Tonight my partner and I didn't do well over all. We had a couple of shining moments, but there were too many misleads by bidding the wrong thing and giving false information. It is important to remember it is a partnership and you just don't play your own hand, you need to lead to your partner and play as a team. I am not an expert by any stretch of the imagination and like being in recovery, when I start to think I know it all, something comes along and teaches me that I still have a lot to learn. Play Friday night allows me to do that. All the masters and experts come out and to place 4th or 5th is good, anything above that is bonus. It is always better to play with someone who is better then you learn to raise the level of your game. It use to make me freeze up and be fearful, but I have learned that all I can do is play what is dealt me and take it one step at a time.