Just For Today

[caressa]

It was a rough day yesterday. My son got into an altercation with someone he used to use with. When you hang out in old spots and associate with old buddies, they take us back to the old bahaviours and habits. Always the other guys falt. I am so hard done by. The world and everything in it is against me. I am so glad I no longer have to go there.

[caressa]

Today was bonus! I made the decision to not go to physio and to my Al-Anon Meeting. I had some guilt about it, but I figured that I couldn't do four things, possible five, in one day.

So I went to the library to pick up the books that were loaned to me from an inter-city library and seeing as I am busy tomorrow, Friday, and Saturday;I figured today was the best option. I had to go to my chiropractor's office after that. On the way there, I had great bus connections. Walked out of my apartment, the bus came, came out of the mall, walked across the street and the bus was there. Got off at the stop on the mountain, crossed the road and the bus was there. Came out of my doctor's office and a guy I know from NA was crossing the street. We use to belong to the same group. He gave me his e-mail address and phone number and I sent him the addy for this site. He gave me a ride home which was greatly appreciated seeing as the weather is still a cool 8-9 deg. C with a bit of wind.

After seeing him, it was like a verification that I was were I was suppose to be when I was suppose to be there.

Tomorrow promises to be a good day. I am meeting my friend who celebrated 17 years in December. I celebrate in August although at my new group, we don't have inbetween birthdays. We generally see each other at the annual conference Autom Leaf Round UP in September. Last year we missed seeing each other as I only went on Sunday and she was unable to go. We have sat together on the Sobriety Count down for about five years. The person with the longest amount of sobriety gives the newest a Big Book. When you have about 600 people in one room, it is awesome. The Gathering of Eagles Conference in Texas is coming up in early May. I correspond with a woman who is on the committee. Hope anyone in that area will attend. Conferences are so inspiring and such a spiritual experience.

[caressa]

Even when I have awareness, it seems like I still have to act out on it anyway. Mind you, the acting out came back and bit us in the end. Pun intended. We were both tired and a bit sarky. My partner is a very gentle soul and very sensitive especially to aggressive people.

Our second hand at bridge last night was against two such people and got top boards; and we made the comment, whatever we do the rest of the evening, it can't top that. Only later to have a similiar situation against another team. Until the last scores were brought in, we were third, and then we plummeted to third from the bottom. Which means, we got three bottom boards.

What I give out, I get back. It might not be at the time, but eventually it shows up and I wonder why something is happening and it is often the result of a decision made. Putting someone down to make me feel better, doesn't work. I know this, but still find myself in that old pattern of hitting back and responding in kind.

[caressa]

It has been brought to my attention by several incidents, that I am where I am at as a result of choices made. Thanks to recovery, I can make healthy choices. yet sometimes those choices which seem right in the moment have their repercussions.

I have been reading books by the author Gilbert Morris and they have affirmed my faith that things shall unfold as they should. Not always I would have them be, but they will be God's will. People say "God is testing you." I think it is more like, "I am testng God." Life happens, but God is always there. It is often me who has grown complacent, lacks trust, and has no faith in myself. When things happen, I do have to ask myself what the lesson is. Do I need to look at some part of my life that needs changing. Is there a part of my life that I haven't turned over to my HP. Have I aligned my will to God's or am I running on self riot and acting out in my disease.

After being aware of intuitive healing, I see how my emotions come out physically. When I stuff emotions and don't deal with them, they make themselves known elsewhere.

Little things that turn into big things like rushing and stubbing my little toe on a cardboard box and breaking my toe. A persistent cough which doesn't seem to go away as a result of not speaking out and saying what I really want to say to someone and can't. A backache which isn't always there, but often makes itself known as a result of anger and resentment. A broken toe as a result of hitting an ottoman which made me aware of the insecurities of the relationship I was in.

This is when I find that I need to say the AA Third Step Prayer and follow it with the Seventh Step Prayer to get out of my own way so the God of my understanding can work through me.

[caressa]

Went to my sister's yesterday for a visit. Didn't get to talk to her much, she was babysitting 10 kids all under the ages of 5. It was a good thing it was sunny and warm and we could go outside to watch them and I could get the fresh air I was looking for. It was nice to breathe clean air after the city. I came home and snoozed before I went to play bridge.

I hadn't seen her since Christmas and she is busy, needless to say and we don't talk often on the phone. It just may be a few more months before I get a desire to go again.

I did enjoy the change and the kids were quite good on the whole. My sister made Shepherd's Pie with homemade Cheese Tea Bisquits, and had a Bumbleberry Pie for dessert. That was bonus!

[caressa]

Enoug is enough already! Now I have a case of broncitus. Maybe I am ignoring a message to stay home and not go anywhere and tend to my knee. I wrenched it the other day taking out garbabe and although I didn't fall down. I fell against the wall. I have had problems bending it since. I had a resentment against my son for leaving his running shoes by the door so I could trip over them. Then I had to get honest and realize I didn't have my glasses on. It is amazing what we don't see when we have tunnel vision and were rose-coloured glasses.

[caressa]

This past week has been a challenge. There must be a message somewhere that I am not getting. I hurt my left foot and couldn't put my weight on it, and with the wrenched knee it made it difficult to get around. Perhaps it is telling me to stop and look where I am going or at what I am doing. Last night the foot was bad, today it was good so I went to the library and treated myself to lunch. Took a cab home because it started to rain. After supper went to go to the store downstairs and couldn't find my billfold with $40. and all my ID and bank card. I think I may have lost it at the library because a woman came up and interrupted the woman serving me and I think I set my wallet beside my library card and never picked it up again. I just pray and hope it is there tomorrow. One day at a time I will get through this.

Thanks for letting me share.

[caressa]

Well this has to be a first. I haven't been on my computer for three days and it wasn't broken down, I was. Just in too much pain and no energy to do what needed being done.

I cancelled my doctor's appointment and rescheduled for next week. My sponsor says it is good, "I'm taking care of me." Yet that old tape keep running that I should be doing this, I should be doing that, I should.....

Old habits die hard.

[caressa]

It is amazing how things turn out when you turn them over. Last week I had to cancel bridge because of my bronchitus. Was just stitting here at the computer wondering if I should go tonight as I am sitll coughing, but don't figure I am contagious. My partner phoned to inform me he has to work late and wouldn't be able to make it.

Yesterday my TV went down and I never turned it on until 4 p.m. to see what was happening on Opra and just got snow. Called repairman and they are coming today but I have to stay home from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. because they are going to work me in when they can. There would have been a time I would have ranted and raved about this, but it is good to be able to find the patience and the acceptance of what is in today. It isn't always easy. Often it is those little things that are a real challenge. My sponsor always told me, "Problems you can stay stuck in, challenges you can overcome."

[caressa]

It never ceases to amaze me how I can ignore something until such a time I can't stand it any more and how the light will go on and the solution is there and has been for a long time although I didn't see it.

A good example is my Dr. Scholls foot bath. I bought it and have only used it about three times. Last night my feet were burning, paining so bad that I felt like they were cut into pieces and if I had walked, I would leave bloody footprints. I took extra-strength tyenol and lad down and put them up but the pain was so bad I couldn't sleep. I finally got up, decided to use the foot bath and after soaking for 20 minutes, out for 15 minutes back in for another 15 minutes, I got up and did three loads of laundry. Then because I felt okay, I decided to wash blankets and pillows because no one was in the laundry room.

I remember at the time questioning the thought of this foot bath. Told myself that it was too much money and that I should just get a basin which would have been cheap. This bath, has attachments for accupressure, a whirlpool device, and a heater which keeps the water hot.

Just another way for me to remember that when I turn my day over to my Higher Power I will begiven the direction, the courage and the knowingness I need. I know that the next time I will be more willing to use it more often, because I know it works.

Thanks for letting me share.

[caressa]

Today has been busy with visits to my chiropractor, physiotherapy, x-ray dept to get pictures of my sore left foot and right knee, then to the labratory for urine test, and finally to the pharmacy to get the prescription for my tremon disorder. I ran out of medication on Friday and didn't get the the pharmacy as planned because my TV went all snowy and I had to wait for the repairman. I regretted my decision on the weekend. Yesterday the shake in my hand was so bad I couldn't hold food on my fork. It is shaking so bad that it is visible to others. It really use to bother me and I had big self-conscious issues concerning it. It was real embarrassing and often got remarks from stangers and snide remarks from acquaintances.

When I was on my way uptown, I stopped at a grocery market in the Italian section of the city and walked four blocks to the mall. I bought some grapes, an orange and a banana. I am going to sit out on a park bench and enjoy the sunshine and read my book.

I have shared this before somewhere else on the board. The recommended treatment is alcohol. If I drank, the tremon would go away. When the pain is bad, it is something I have to fight continuously. Again, one is too many, a thousand isn't enough. I know I couldn't stop at just one to take away the shake.

When I came got uptown I came to the library and decided to book a computer. They have large flat screen monitors. They are awesome. Now I know what I am going to do, save up my pennies and get me one.

[caressa]

My computer isn't operating at the moment. I need a new splinter to plug it to the wall. Yesterday I went to the Library and used their free internet and had the pleasure of using a large flat screen monitor. Now I know what I want for Christmas, but will save my pennies just in case Santa decides I have been a bad girl.

[caressa]

Well I moved the computer to a new jack and now the monitor won't plug into the modum. I waited for my son to help me, he lost his patience, and I think he did some yanking and some yaking at it, and as a result, I still have not computer. I may have to get a new monitor and if so, it will be a while before I am back on line.

My son has been angry for a very long time. He has been acting out his anger quite a lot lately and I am fearful of where it will take him. Raising his voice to me is not acceptable and I told him so. It is so important to set boundaries, but more important to enforce them.

[caressa]

A few days ago I realize that I hadn't been honestly and consciously turning my day over to my Higher Power. I found myself at the stage when things went wrong asking for help, instead of asking for help so things didn't go wrong.

Little things started to change. Arriving on time for the bus. Phoning to physio to say that I slept in and they said, "Come anyway." Finding specials when shopping. Meeting people I hadn't seen for a long time. All little things, yet when I notice, I try to say "Thank You."

Tonight I hope to go to bridge. I also want to meet up with my son to get the money he owes me. Hopefully both will happen on my time schedule and that my will is aligned with the God of my understanding.

[caressa]

It has been very frustrating. I guess the key has been lack of acceptance, patience and tolerance. Not having my computer was bad enough but not being able to post when I went to the library or to the internet cafe was a real test of serenity.

Along wth this came a lot of heat, not much sleep, my son in an ugly mood and it was difficult not to take on his anger and letting go of my own.

My eating disorder kicked in. Too hot to eat, too hot to cook, too lazy to make the effort to eat healthy and snacking on quick and easy things that don't take any effort. It wasn't that I didn't have the food, my fridge is full and overflowing but I just never seem to have what I want but if you ask me what I DO want, I don't know! If I do know, it generally isn't good for me or harmful to my diabetes. I recognize a part of it as the old tape and fear of not having, of doing without and stocking up just in case instead of trusing nad living in the moment.

Thank you for letting me share.

[caressa]

Have been fighting depression. Not having a computer, not being able to get out and about to physio, meetings, and even having to cancel bridge, has been a real challenge.

As my sponsor use to say. We can over come challenges. Problems we stay stuck in. Last week I got to my doctors, made it to bridge Friday and Saturday and tonight I am going to a special Pro/Am game which promises to be fun along with good eats. Pizza! Saturday night marked the 10 year anniversary of our bridge club.

Life happens. It is how I choose to handle it. I choose to do it clean and sober. I try to stay positive but sometimes I can be my own worst enemy and have go get out of my own way. I had a friend I hadn't heard from for a long time call me and say, "When was the last time you balanced and cleaned your chakras?" Sometimes I find that I can get so bogged own in negativity that I forget to let it go and don't see where I am at until it is brought to my attention.

Thanks for letting me share.

[caressa]

Not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing, but I forgot my own anniversary. I remembered it was coming up the week before it happened but forgot about it until 11:30 p.m. on my way home from playing bridge.

Normally around anniversary time I go to extra meetings to remind myself that I didn't get sober and stay sober on my own. I joined a group a year ago that only celebrates one year anniversaries so if I had gone to my group, there wouldn't have been a celebration. I didn't feel right in celebrating anyway because I have not been to the group in almost a year.

My focus for the last few years has been on Al-Anon and that has been what I have needed for my sobriety (soundness of mind). If it wasn't for Al-Anon, I am not sure that I would be sober. It keeps the focus on me and helps me to detach from my alcoholic.

Sometimes it feels like yesterday instead of 17 years. One day at a time does work. Time goes instead of standing still.

[caressa]

Have not been too patient with myself or my doctor. I am awaiting a call from a specialist to see about having an internal scope done to see what is causing the pains in my stomach.

I am also awaiting the results of ultra sound to see if there are any more cysts and see if the ones that showed previously have grown. It seems like a very long time since they found the first one six months ago. At first they said it wasn't cancer, then they said it was a 2% and in my mind it has grown bigger.

This weekend was the AA convention and I was unable to go for the whole thing. Hope to get there tomorrow morning for the spiitual panel, the sobriety countdown and the closing speaker.

My computer is still down. Not sure I can afford to have it fixed. I am afraid to ask how much it will be. I haven't been well enough to get to the internet cafe this week so am trying to play catch up today.

[caressa]

Not much is happening, just living in today and taking things as they come. My computer is still not up and running although I hope to take it to the shop this week to get an accessment done. Not sure if it is fixable. As they say, acceptance is the key to all my problems today.

Fall is my favorite time of the year. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving.

[caressa]

It really hurts to be continually attacked about what I post here. I try to come as often as I can and I really miss not being here regularly. This site was my lifeline and for many winters when I couldn't leave my apartment, this site was here for me.

I can only share my experience, strength and hope with others. Because I don't get out to meetings and play bridge once a week, it doesn't give me much new experience. What I share here are things I get in my inbox which gives me spiritual food to continue growing on when I don't have contact with others.

I don't want to focus on what was, the drinking years, the pain of seeing my son follow in my footsteps. I try to share something positive, somethng spiritual that is food for the soul and continues to give me hope and strength.

Today I made the effort to go downtown. All I wanted to do was crawl into my bed and go to sleep. That is an old behavior. It was the way I chose to escape reality and not face life on life's terms. My son came by, but I left anyway. I went to the library, took myself out for Chinese food, bought an apple turn over (two for $1.39 + tax= !.46) at McDonalds for dessert and came into the Internet Cafe even though it was closed, used my volunteer key so I could come here to post.

Just for today, I didn't use my bed to hide from my feelings. I went out to get fresh air and exercise. My HP utilized three people who were using to give me the message that using isn't the solution. Two of them have had time in the program, the other has never made it there although she did go to the meetings I use to chair ten years ago. There is always someone with more problems than I have.

Today I never had it so good. I am clean and sober.