Expressing Our Feelings

[caressa]

Not all fights are bad; in fact they are preferable to disciplined serenity.

—William Atwood

eor.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=spuds&thread=9653

Really liked this reading. It made me think, of one of the most freeing tips that I heard in recovery was to say to my partner, child, parent, "This is how you make me feel."

There is nothing wrong with anger. It is how I express it and deal with it that is important. Often it is justified, yet it is not healthy for an alcoholic, especially when it is taken out on those around them. There is nothing wrong with sad as long as it doesn't take us into a long depression. Depression takes me to isolation which isn't only of the body, but of the spirit as well.

I still have problems being around people who are angry. I have to remember that it is their disease that is talking. Often you can't talk to them about their actions and your feelings until they are sober. One, they won't remember; two, they will probably react unfavorably and things are best left unsaid or discussed at another time; three, it is always best not to feed into the anger or any other feeling.

As the saying goes, "If there are two people in a room and there is only one emotion and one thought in a room, someone is not there. One person does not have a voice or a say, is being controlled by another, or living their life through the other person, which ever way you look at it, it is not healthy and it is not living.

Am I the controlling one or am I being controlled or am I the one who is able to speak up and be me?

[BW]

Great topic...I'd like to add if I may that sometmes we might concider listening for what is not said when folks are expressing their feelings...An example...I have often been accused of being angry when in fact what I was really feeling was scared and frustrated.....When driving, if someone cuts me off and was so close I could feel their breath on my neck and I let out an expletitive while laying on the horn....it may be because I was absolutely petrified that my passenger was going to be hurt or killed. When the hospice nurses were in my home, I was expressing my frustration and my fears at my illness; the nurse assumed I was angry and hid psychotrophic meds in my pill containers after telling the doctors I was an angry b***ch....

Sometimes it is really easy to defuse an angry situation but simply asking.."What are you afraid of?"...Sometimes it is just simply listening...that is all that is needed...just a listening ear....Is it really that simple? No...not always....the enrgy can be draining...it can ber frieghtening....However, a simple prayer has never failed me. I have been in many volitile situaltions and have always been able to stand my ground because God has always stood there with me with His protective arms around me. One gift some one gave me when I had expressed my fear of these volitile situaltions was to practice imagining myself surrounded by mirrors reflected out...Then when angry negitive individuals were around me their stuff was reflected back at them and I didn't absorb any of their energy...and guess what?...........it works!

[caressa]

Was just sharing with a friend yesterday about not taking on other people's feelings. It is important to say that prayer, especially for me, I use to take on everything but the kitchen sink.

Prayer does work. Negativity has a way of just taking a hold of you and not wanting to let go. It is hard to see what is going on when you are in it. As you say, some people can be really draining.

It is not just the words they don't say but the body language too.

[SunnyGirl]

(((((Caressa))))) & (((((Fluttering)))))

Thank you for sharing, you both made some really good
points. Learning to identify just exactly what I am feeling
has been quite a process, without recovery friends it would
have been a very long and trying journey.

If I keep my feelings bottled up I can end up like a volcano
and erupt! I've learned to allow myself to feel all of my feeling
and accept them, right now I am still working on how to express
them appropriately. Fluttering, was absolutely correct, often
our anger is a mask for our fears, just knowing that allows me
to deal with the fear and hopefully preventing the fit of anger.

Recognizing my feelings has helped me to make decisions more
wisely. In the past, I have chosen what I think will make another
person happy, without thinking about how I really feel about it.
Today, I am trying to go with the flow and when in doubt, I
will take it to my Higher Power and ask for help in sorting it out!

[caressa]

When I was in treatment, this girl kept saying, "But how do you feeeeeel? I got really annoyed. She knew she was pushing my buttons. I finally replied, "If I knew what I was feeling, I wouldn't be here." I think there were a few cuss words in there somewhere.

I had a problem with labelling the feelings. I didn't know what it was I was feeling. When they did come out, I didn't want to show or express them.

We were never shown affection and it certainly wasn't demonstrated. It took a long time for me to be comfortable with them. When I decided to take the 'hugs' to my family, they were not comfortable with them, especially my son. Eventally my sister and my aunt would come to me and ask for one.

Hugs not Drugs! Feel the love. It should be an exchange of positive energy, not copping a free feel.

[SunnyGirl]

"A silent hug means a thousand words to an unhappy heart."
- -unknown

I have always expressed my love with hugs and kisses.....
My father was not a demonstrative person, so I must
have inherited it from my mother and grandmother. I show
my emotions, I cry when I'm sad and can be moved to tears
when I'm filled with happiness.... On the negative side, I
also show my feelings when I'm angry, but I am trying to
not over react as this can cause me pain in the long run.

I am pretty good at identifying feelings, both mine and
those of people around me. When I see someone's
body language it tells me so much about a person.
If they're in physical or mental pain it shows up all over
them.

Our on-line meetings mean a lot to me and receiving
cyber-hugs can pick me up when I'm feeling down.
The meetings also give me a chance to share what I
am feeling! Just being able to share with others
who have been where I am is a relief.

Hope all of you have a great Monday and it leads into
a wonderful new week.... Hugs, SG

[BW]

Hugs back to ya SG

[Lin]

For me i try to rememebr that whatever my feelings ,. it's OK to have them. I just have to be careful how I act on them. If I am angry and I kick the dog, that's not handling my anger well. If instead I journal, or scrub the bathtub, to take a brisk walk...I am using my anger for something good instead of lashing out and hurting others.

LIN

[SunnyGirl]

Good point Lin.....

Emotions and feelings are what separate humans from
animals.... But then again my "fuzzy face kids" can look
pretty sad at times!

When I'm watching a movie and it makes me sad, I can't
help shedding a few tears and this is appropriate. Same
line of thought, when I'm happy I'll smile or laugh! But,
learning to deal with anger takes a little more work on my
part. There are appropriate ways to deal with it and when
I cross the line and know I am out of line, I need to apologize
and make amends for my bad behavior. I'm not perfect and
I have never met anyone that is.... When something has
really angered me, I will use the steps to work my way
through it .... The more I get in touch with my feelings, it
helps me to make more sense out of life.... ODAT

Peace on the journey, SunnyGirl

[caressa]

Thanks SG, so true. They say no emotions in animals but it sure seems to me that they speak to me all the time, that is why I use the pictures of animals when I post.

After all these years, I am still dealing with anger issues that were so buried that I wasn't aware of them. There was no memory on my part, I just have had to have it taken from me, as my spirtual advisor said, "It doesn't matter what the source is, it is about you and the fact that it is there. Often things in today trigger things from the past. As a result, I have two issues to deal with.